Teenagers, a rant

[Lucille]

I love my teenage son and he is a good kid, but he deftly and charmingly gets out of most of the chores he is assigned to do around here, which actually are not all that many. The most important one is the yard work.

He is off with his friends. When he returns, I am thinking of telling him he has to decide between doing a good job on his assigned tasks, or contributing so I can hire a yard person. Between a full time job and school, Mom does not have either the time or inclination to be the yard person, and I am still, between other things, doing the grass trim today which he should have done yesterday.

What do y'all think of that idea?

[Sasheena]

Sounds like something worth trying!

I can completely understand. Sometimes it's very frustrating for my husband and myself. We're not Mr. and Mrs. Homemaker, our house is untidy at the best of times, but our daughter really tries our patience. She's quick to jump on us for our untidiness, and then turn around and do the same thing or worse. When I dare to glance in her room I wonder if she needs to hire a mini-bobcat (zat what those little tractor things are called?) to shovel out her room.

In general she gets ONE major chore a day, whether it's vacuuming the swimming pool, or pouring five gallons of water in five gallon jugs and taking them out to fill the "mouse house jugs", or emptying or filling the dishwasher, or taking out the trash. It's never very much, just one job a day. But her problem is that she doesn't see the amount of work we do, since we all go in to school in the morning together, and she usually gets home after a hard afternoon of "hanging out", she thinks that since we're home sooner we should get more work done.

We used to give her money for her incidental supplies, and she would buy the $1-store packs of razers. When we found that she was buying cigarettes with her money, we stopped giving her money, so now she wants to buy $12 razors every other week. She has no concept that we're POOR and we can't afford that kind of luxury.

In other words she's a snotty little kid. :) Not really. When she's being good, I love to have her around (she's my stepdaughter) and when she's being her worst I wonder if she's had enough of us and wants to go back to mommy and good riddance. Am I awful or what? One consolation... three more years of high school and then she's off to college. It DOES get easier when they're in college, doesn't it?

[Rebel Dragons]

I love my teenage son and he is a good kid, but he deftly and charmingly gets out of most of the chores he is assigned to do around here, which actually are not all that many. The most important one is the yard work.

He is off with his friends. When he returns, I am thinking of telling him he has to decide between doing a good job on his assigned tasks, or contributing so I can hire a yard person. Between a full time job and school, Mom does not have either the time or inclination to be the yard person, and I am still, between other things, doing the grass trim today which he should have done yesterday.

What do y'all think of that idea?


I know it were me, I would not be going anywhere with my friends until my chores were done. Going out with friends was a privilege that was earned. You didn't do what you were told to do you sat your butt at home.

Tell him he can't go out until the yard is done or he has helped contribute for a yard man to do it. Either way I bet your yard gets done in a hurry.

[KelliH]

I think you should give him a big hug and tell him how much you love him.

[Lucille]

I do that every day, Kelli, even though he is 19 and taller than I am. I do love him, but someday I will not be here to house him and feed him and the gift of learning responsibility is one I want to give him.

He makes his own choices which are not always mine; yet if he knows that what he does is valued as a family contribution, and if by taking time to teach him I can let him know that taking responsibility is the mark of a good person, then I will have done part of my job as a parent. He is already a fine person: good to animals, good to people, and a person of integrity and thought. I am proud of him.

[Lucille]

Tell him he can't go out until the yard is done or he has helped contribute for a yard man to do it. Either way I bet your yard gets done in a hurry.

He came home for a moment just now, and we had a conversation about this. I calmly told him that I would not have this conversation again, and that the next time he fell short I would hire a yard man and he would contribute.

He agreed, and as a peace offering offered to buy a new battery powered weedeater since the gas one is decrepit.

A great kid.

[Sasheena]

That's the best advice of all, Kelli. Sometimes we're too caught up in the little stupid things, and don't focus on the big important stuff.

I was thinking about my stepson Eliot, whom I only see every summer and once every other Christmas. I was thinking back to some of the "issues" we (the family) had and realizing that really only 10% of the issues had any real substance. 90% of it was fluff, and shouldn't have ever gotten to be issues in the first place.

I don't know how good a step-mom I am. I know that if I had had children of my own I doubt that they would have grown up so well-balanced as my husband's kids are. I'm grateful to the work that my hubby's ex has put into the development of their characters. I know from my work with young people that my stepkids are some of the best people in the universe. It's just sometimes hard to remember the big picture when the little issues creep up.

I enjoyed the time my husband and I had to ourselves this summer when all the kids were at his ex's house, and in some ways was not looking forward to having them back, but once they got back, I found myself wondering what I was dreading because having them around is very special indeed, especially the one who has chosen to come and live here with us.

When I go through the zillions of blessings I have one of the top blessings I count is that of being able to be a mom to my husband's three kids. I know that their place in my life is a super special thing that could not have been discovered anywhere else.

[Rebel Dragons]

I do that every day, Kelli, even though he is 19 and taller than I am. I do love him, but someday I will not be here to house him and feed him and the gift of learning responsibility is one I want to give him.

He makes his own choices which are not always mine; yet if he knows that what he does is valued as a family contribution, and if by taking time to teach him I can let him know that taking responsibility is the mark of a good person, then I will have done part of my job as a parent. He is already a fine person: good to animals, good to people, and a person of integrity and thought. I am proud of him.


Oops.......... Didn't know he was 19. Things are a bit diffrent at that age.

[ms_terese]

After my "adult" children moved home (either for the summer from college, or to get back on their feet after discovering how kind the real world was), I made 2 lists.

LIST ONE: Rent - $300; Groceries - $100; Utilities - $50

LIST TWO: Floors - once weekly; Bathrooms - once weekly; Garbage - once weekly; Kitchen - twice weekly; Lawn - once monthly.

They got to pick which they wanted to contribute, cash or effort. It was a pretty easy choice. They each tested it once by slacking on the effort part and waiting to see if I noticed, which resulted in me asking them for $$$ at the first of the following month. They didn't slack again. :)

Yes, I'm a mean mom, but they're all pretty damn independent and responsible adults now.

[Sasheena]

Excellent set of lists. I very much hope to remember this when the time comes, if it does. Though our daughter has proclaimed her plan to go to the university her sister is attending (private$$) back in Oregon once she is done with High School.

One thing I worry about is when it comes time for our daughter to start to drive. Frankly we can't afford the sort of insurance raise that we've heard comes with the territory. Those lists might come in handy sooner rather than later. (She'll be 15 in September)

[LakesideBoas]

Can I hire you to be the "Mean Mom" around here!:dgrin:

J/K, I have to play bad guy to my kids now that they are here, but I wouldn't trade them for the world, even though they try me to the point of breaking at times.

I just let mine know that this family is a unit and we all must contribute if we are to survive. They get it for the most part, so I don't have to be "Mean" often. I will be glad when they move out, not because I don't want them around, rather, that they will be stable enough to be on their own and that is my measure for myself as to how well I have done.

Hubby and I get frustrated at times and talk about just "letting them fly" but we both know when life knocks them down we'll always be there to pick up the pieces.

My Granddaughter is addicted to the Lion King 2 movie (hey, she's two, give the kid a break!:hehe: ) There's a song in that movie that I just think suits this thread. It's called "We Are One". Here are some of the lyrics:

"As you go through life you'll see
There is so much that we
Don't understand

And the only thing we know
Is things don't always go
The way we planned

But you'll see every day
That we'll never turn away
When it seems all your dreams come undone

We will stand by your side
Filled with hope and filled with pride
We are more than we are
We are one..."

Fits, I think.

[Jim O]

One thing I worry about is when it comes time for our daughter to start to drive. Frankly we can't afford the sort of insurance raise that we've heard comes with the territory.I believe that it is worse for teenaged boys than for girls in most states. But also remember to remind her that driving is a privilege and not a right.

[ms_terese]

As strange as it sounds, I really looked at parenting as a responsibility first, a relationship second. I love my kids more than life, but I realized early on that I didn't need to be their buddy, their friend, the 'cool' mom, I needed to raise them into responsible, caring, well balanced adults.

Yeah, it would have been great to have those "Leave It To Beaver" moments when they would pause, think about their transgression, thank me for my wisdom, and absorb the lesson permanently....yeah, right. Didn't happen.

While their teenage years could certainly have been worse, and we stayed fairly close individually and as a unit, there were times when they absolutely loathed me. I could (and did) live with that.

As for insurance, boys ARE worse than girls, but the most important factors for either sex is A) certified driver's education course; and B) grades. If you have good insurance, it's not too terribly horrible.

[Chris@TSE]

Wish I had parents like you when I was younger..... Hell, if they were still alive today and set rules or guidelines like previously mentioned I'd have to seriosuly consider moving back home! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I think the woman may put up a stink though... :raspberry

[KelliH]

Maybe it takes a really special kid, or a really special parent, or both.. but I promise you, you can be a responsible parent as well as a best friend and a cool Mom. All the while raising a wonderful, caring, intelligent and open minded human.

[Jim O]

Kelli is right. You can be both but the chemistry has to be there. My parents had some strict rules which of course I understood a whole lot better the first moment that I held my son in my arms (he's 18 now, never had to have the police at my house, finally turns off the occasional light switch, does his OWN laundry, is an excellent student, and has only totalled one car -- his mom's :rofl: ).

My mother and I were the best of friends until the day she died but there was never any doubt that she was the parent and I was the kid. There were times when I was unhappy, even angry, with her rules and decisions, and times when I broke the rules, but that tight bond never changed over the years. My father was crazy (literally) and hard to know. At his funeral, when I gave the eulogy, it was hard to be honest without mentioning that he struggled in his relationship with his two sons. But one thing that was true, and that I said, was that I knew that he always had our backs, no matter what. His love was unconditional, even if it was expressed in some odd ways.

Go hug and kiss your kids. Do something special with them, even if they are 19. You never know when death will "do you part". I hope for all of your sakes it is the way that I have experienced it, that being parents going before child, not as Kelli has experienced, or my own mother's mother, who lived to see her only child die.

[KelliH]

Great post Jim. Yeah, our kids aren't perfect (but then not a single one of us is either), but I wouldn't trade that closeness I shared with Hayden, and the closeness I share with my remaining two boys for anything in the world.

I have never had any serious problem with any of my kids... well that is of course until Hayden decided to take the "shortcut" home from the skatepark and that DPS Officer decided to go 100 mph on a 60 mph road, with no emergency or any other good reason to be. Oh yeah, and not pay attention to the freakin road!

Any other "problems" don't mean jack anymore. I'd gladly deal with him not mowing the lawn or doing his laundry or keeping his room clean or any other problem you could come up with to have him back here with me. Actually, I'd give my own life to have him back here on Earth.

So anyway, the moral of this post is: be happy with what you are blessed with, of course one must have rules and definitely enforce them.. but don't be sweatin the small B.S.

[Sasheena]

Growing up for me was a minefield. I never felt like I got much "mothering" from my mom, and dad was always gone. My sister was a "stoner" and my parents frequently had dealings with the police regarding her issues. My brother was ADHD, Epileptic, and prone to uncontrollable rages that, more than once brought him to the edge of killing my sister or myself. (We're talking butcher knifes and axes here). My parents had a bit too much on their plates dealing with my siblings, so myself, "the quiet, unattractive, brainy one" was often forgotten. (The relatives heard SO MUCH about my sister and brother, they never brought presents for me, because they actually forgot I existed). I used to harbor a lot of resentment until a year ago when two things happened simultaneously.

My husband's daughter chose to come and live with us permanently, and my mother collapsed in her kitchen with a ruptured colon which was diagnosed as colon cancer. As I've learned to deal with a stepdaughter who is wonderful, yet sometimes deceitful, and as I myself had a close brush with cancer, I have come to be closer to my mother than I ever was as a child. I understand a lot of the things she went through now that I've had to "be the mom". And the cancer sure puts a big exclamation point on things, esp. when the second time they went in earlier this year they say "oops, more, its stage four".

I am hoping that when Lydia (stepdaughter) is older and wiser she'll look back on her time living with her dad and I, and realize that we cared, and we only wanted what was best. Of course, I know from my teaching that she is already far and above more mature and more well-grounded than the average teenager. I just hope she keeps it up!

[KelliH]

I am hoping that when Lydia (stepdaughter) is older and wiser she'll look back on her time living with her dad and I, and realize that we cared, and we only wanted what was best. Of course, I know from my teaching that she is already far and above more mature and more well-grounded than the average teenager. I just hope she keeps it up!

She'll know you cared! You've obviously done a great job and you are an awesome stepmom. Hey, at least you aren't a "stepmonster" LOL.

[Jim O]

Sasheena, no one ever said that luck didn't hurt either.

[Wilomn]

The only guarentee is that there are not guarentees.

My son is 15 and 9 times out of 10 when I talk to him on the phone, and frequently though not frequently enough in person, I tell him I love him.

Every once in a while the little bugger gives me one back. But he knows and I know.

There are those I would kill or die for, as all good parents should. Knowing that THEY know that and that it will carry on to when THEY have children is a good thing. It's a slim straw, that knowledge, but sometimes you have to know that you've done what you can to the best of your ability and let it go at that, which is slightly off topic but pertinant nonetheless.

[PaulSage]

Well I just finished typing a big reply to this thread, and apparently if it takes more than 30 minutes you get kicked off. Maybe it's the log-in thing, maybe it's just to prevent long-winded bozos like me from babbling too much! :raspberry

Either way, you're all welcome! lol