Need a laugh?
> Lizard Birthing Story...
> > If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet >syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story >below will have you laughing out LOUD! > > Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. > > Here's what happened: > > Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was >"something wrong" with one of the 2 lizards he holds prisoner in his >room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, >Dad. Can you help?" > > I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed >him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his >back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I >called, "come look at the lizard!" > > Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having >babies." > > "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, >mom!" > > I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said >we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. > > "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" >she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) > > "No, but you were supposed to get 2 boys!" I reminded her, (in >my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). > > "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. > > "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," >she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?) > > By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going >on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to >be a wondrous experience, I announced." We're about to witness the >miracle of birth." > > "OH, Gross!" they shrieked. > > "Well, isn't THAT just GREAT! What are we going to do with a >litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really >do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?) > > We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked >like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. >"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. > > "It's a breech," my wife whispered, horrified. > > "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. > > "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot >when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried >several more times with the same results. > > "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe >they could talk us through the trauma." > (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) > > "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. > > We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. >"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. > > "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. >(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is >one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for Heaven's sake.) > > The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the >little animal through a magnifying glass. > > "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested >scientifically. > > "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may >I speak to you privately for a moment?" > > I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to >be okay?" my wife asked. > > "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in >labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You >see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into >maturity, like most male species, they get Erections!" > My wife said in a questioning manner, " Erections?????" > The Doc replied, " yes, you know WOODS, BOONERS, he's raising his own pup TENT!" > The three of us were silent for a minute. > He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm >saying, Mr. Cameron." > > We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's >just...just...Excited," my wife offered. > > "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. > > More silence. > > Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And >then even laugh loudly. > > "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that >the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless >manliness. > > Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm >picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..."she gasped for more >air to bellow in laughter once more." > > "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and >hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad >everything was going to be okay. > > "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he >told me. > > "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with >laughter. > > 2 - Lizards......... $140 > > > 1 - Cage........... $50 > > > Trip to the Vet... $30 > > > > Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's little wiener... > > PRICELESS ;) |
:rofl: Thats soooo funnny!
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youve got issues lol
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haha
that story just totally made my day
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whoa !
that was pretty funny , Thanks man ! :rofl:
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was that in reptile mag befor?
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I've DEFINITELY seen that before...although I could swear it was about hampsters last time....lol
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:dancer01: :rotflmao: :lol01: :hehe: :rofl: That was GREAT Chad. Thanks for the laugh, I really needed a good one.
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It was going around a white back with hampsters in place of lizards.
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That was a RIOT! I needed that laugh, thanks Chad!
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