Rollercoaster of life

So my 14 year old daughter comes to me and is crying sunday night. She is very upset and I ask why she is crying. She tells me she will be right back and runs to her room and brings back her pillowcase and says the dog tore it.
Now I am thinking to myself that she is crying way too hard for a mere tearing of the pillowcase, so I go to her and hug her and tell her it is only a pillowcase that we can easily put another on her pillow, get a new one or if she is so fond of that one we can sew it up.
She lets me embrace her for a minute or two as she sobs. I ask her what is really bothering her as I can't believe she is crying over a pillowcase to this degree. She then pushes away from me and calls her older sister a "B" (but actually says the word) that she hates her and it is all her fault for not closing her bedroom door and allowing the dogs access to her room to rip the pillowcase, she is screaming this.
I am stunned. I raise my kids to be outspoken but respectful so this outburst came as a complete shock to me. All but three kids I have raised,helped to raise ect are now over 18 and have never spoken to me in this manner.
I react. So many thoughts are going through my mind in a matter of seconds, I know there has to be something else wrong, I know she is not above theatrics, she is 14 (that in itself says tons) yet she is here in front of me cussing and screaming at me. I get angry, tell her to go to her room so I can think about this and calm down. She stomps off wailing.
I give it about a 1/2 hour and I go to talk with her. I tell her that no matter the reason, what she just displayed was unacceptable and that she could not go to her monday snowboarding. This is a big thing, something she loves. Grounding is not a big thing around here as we have family meetings and such to get things out in the open.
She nods her head in understanding, although still crying, says she understands and is sorry.
Later that evening after Kelly(the 14 yr old) has cried herself to sleep my 11 year old comes in to tell me that she thinks Kelly was upset because one of her good friends, she believes, got into a car accident.
Come monday. Kelly comes home from school and comes to talk with me. She says that she deserved the punishment, that her friends asked why she wasn't going and she simply said she did something wrong at home.
She then cries again as she opens up to me that indeed her friend (one that does not go to her school) did indeed get into a car accident and had died. Kelly had been on the phone with her as it happened, they were talking about the next dance and her friend was telling Kelly something about not worrying about something when she heard the crash over the phone and then the Mother screaming. Soon after the phone went dead. It was confirmed in school that there was an accident and the girl had died of internal bleeding.
I held her again, feeling so bad for her and wondering if there was anything I could or should have done differently.

Couldn't read and not post but I have no advice, sorry.
I don't think there is anything you could have done differently, you didn't know and you could only go by what she told you.
Is she talking to you openly about it now? Does the school have a councilor(sp?) she can talk too?

Knowing only what you did, what you did was appropriate.

I'm sure Kelly knows that.

I would not have done anything differently. I think you handled it very well.

wow,i feel really bad for your daughter.To have something like that happen while shes talking to her,and hear what she heard will effect her for a long,long time.
shes in my prayers.

Thank you for your comments and support!
I just talked with her some more. She does not want to talk with anyone at school as it is a small community and what she says will get out and does not want to face that.
My 11 years olds best friends Mother died over the summer so the best friend is here frequently as I was friends with her mom as well.
I just feel like I am stumbling in foreign lands here as I had never lost anyone or known anyone who lost someone in my youth. The first lost I had came at 20 and was my great grandmother, devasting yes, but I rationalized it with having her for as long as I did and she lived such a full long life.
Kelly did not know that her friend has died until monday in school. She had indeed heard everything through the phone, the mom screams and crying, a man talking to someone assessing the situation, the phone went dead shortly after. She thought something was terribly wrong but couldn't confirm it until the next day.
She is doing things to keep herself busy, as I talked with her today I saw her trying to hide her tears and not cry again. I did not push it. I just can't imagine what it is like to have to hear that, to call to her friend and no reply back. My heart breaks for her and I want to do or say more, I just do not know what. I am so at a loss. I hugged her again but I know that too much will cause another melt down in her.
I know what you all say is right and sounds right in my mind, but my heart feels so differently. I just did not think that the other nights antics were about something so important. Ug, I think I am going to get off here again and I don't know, do something, anything...

I do, and it was.

Ah, I see that Kelly is your daughter's name ;-)

Anyway, you did the right thing under the circumstances.

Don't beat yourself up, I think you did all you could have done.

As someone who lost loved ones in my childhood, I can tell you that it helped me tremendously to learn that my grief was normal, that it was ok to cry, and that death is hurtful and frightening even to adults. Welcome conversation (i.e. reminiscing) of her friend, because memories can be like a comforting blanket over time.

You weren't to know the other night. You did the right thing. All you can do now is be there for her, if she needs to talk or needs a hug.
Thinking of you.