A trip to the vet

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
Dad.
Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called to
my wife, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife gasped. After a minute , her diagnosis was "She's
having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I
was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce,! " I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, " I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle
of birth."

"OH, GROSS!," they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we
going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted
to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too.)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, and then vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered , horrified. "Do something, Dad!"
my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the
foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared.
I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to ! the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he
urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one
thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. an! d Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to you privatel y for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be
okay?"
my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You
see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the
way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.
Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited,"
my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
understood.

More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then
even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to
my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's
just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its... teeny
little..."

she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly
bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad
everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker.....Priceless...

Thank you!!!