Connie (Mrs. WebSlave)

Originally Posted by WebSlave

I sure hate to think that this might be how the entire rest of my life is going to be like.

It won't be forever, but it does take time to get to a point of peace.
I was in a department store at the mall, about a year after my mom died. I saw a bathrobe exactly like the one my mom wore for years. My eyes sprung leaks, and I had to leave. I was kind of surprised that an article of clothing could make me feel that way.
You'll have a lot of "robe moments", but they become less frequent as time passes.
I think you're wise to stay in your home, for now. Marketing a home, and the packing/moving ordeal is a trauma I wouldn't wish on anyone. Personally, I find comfort in familiar places and things. It was so hard to sell my mom's condo, and pack up her things.
Are you in contact with Connie's sisters? Sometimes it helps to talk with people who were also close with her, and reminisce.

Oh no, it wasn't going to be anything like that concerning me selling this place. I have no where else really to go. I was thinking about buying a motor home or a tag-a-long camper and whatever couldn't fit in that would be left behind to be sold with the home and property. Too many memories attached to most things here to be bringing them along with me.

Connie has two sisters, but honestly not much in the way of shared memories with them. Besides the SerpenCo business pretty much sucking up all of our time when we had it, Connie and I were pretty much only dependent on each other. We were each other's complete worlds. For which now I am paying the price. But to be honest, I couldn't even think about the situation now much less plan for it.

I haven't been able to even touch any of Connie's clothes. I have no idea when I will be strong enough to be able to do that to box them all up and do whatever someone does with such things.

Anyway, after today I will have kept my promise to Connie. Now I just have to think of anything "drastic" that I may feel like doing.

How are you doing, Rich?

Originally Posted by Insomniac101

How are you doing, Rich?

I don't really know.

Everything just seems unreal and vague like I am just drifting through life now with no point to anything.

Flowers are beginning to bloom around here and I have to mentally slap myself when I think "I need to tell Connie and bring her out to see them."

I had to clear some messages off of my answering machine, so I played them back to see which ones could be deleted. Come to find out I had several messages from Connie on there from when she was in the local hospital and also when she was down in Mexico for treatments. I was paralyzed and could do nothing but sit there and listen to her voice. That was a very BAD day.

I bought a book that I thought might help me called "The Widower's Journey." I dunno. Seems the main premise of the book is to expose the reader to the thought "You aren't alone. Lots of other people have experienced and are experiencing what you are right now." Yeah, I see lots of comments that mirror what I have been thinking. But honestly, if I went to the emergency room with a sharp stick stuck in my eye, it would be no comfort to me to see lots of other people sitting there with the same issue.

I'm sorry 😥
I think that the self-help books are good for letting people know, that what they're feeling is normal. They don't make the pain go away, but many people wonder if they're going crazy, thinking thoughts they've never had before.
At the very least, the books let people know that their thoughts and feelings are to be expected. I know; small consolation.

I have the entire X-Files series on Bluray disks and late at night have been watching them again to take my mind off of things. I thought this would be a pretty safe harbor for my mind. Until I got to the episode where Dana Scully gets diagnosed with cancer. Not sure I can watch any more episodes now.

Been working with the tractor a lot lately. My friend told me it would be good therapy for me. He said it helps to get out in the woods and "tear up crap". Well, maybe. But the thought intrudes in my mind more often than I think is normal "I can't wait to show Connie what I have done when she gets back........" And then reality smacks me real hard. Yeah, Abbie Normal, that's me.

Last week I went to the local seafood market to pick up some stuff and a customer showed up there that started talking about his cancer. He was telling the people there how he had multiple tumors here and there throughout his body, but he had stopped treatments. He said he had always led a good Christian life and hoped that God would step up and save him. I am glad he couldn't read my thoughts, because I wouldn't have wanted to pop his bubble with what I was thinking.

Cracked the 135 lbs weight barrier this morning weighing in at 134.9. I need to buy new belts for my clothes.

Definitely all the flowers blooming is rubbing salt into my mental wounds.

They say that that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Wonder how strong I will be a year from now? I am betting that making it through 11/11/2024 is going to make me one hell of a strong sonofabitch.

Well, today marks 4 months since Connie died.

I feel like I have become a modified form of "bipolar". Sort of like having a diode in a circuit. I don't get the swings of any "highs" above just feeling neutral, but definitely get the swings down into the pits of depression whenever something sparks a memory or else a situation arises where I find myself wishing that Connie was there with me to see something. Like for instance, it hit me hard when I was coming back from Tallahassee and saw that the wild azaleas are beginning to bloom near our stream. She always loved this time of year and we would take walks down to the stream just to look at the flowers.

And the citrus that remain from that cold spell during Christmas, 2022 are blooming as well. She always loved smelling the citrus tree blooms.

I can't figure out how my heart keeps on beating after these slashing assaults upon it.

And I have to ask myself, how long can I bear up with feeling this way? Sooner or later my mind is just going to head off for greener pastures and leave me behind.

I have never in my life been any place that felt as quiet and empty as my house feels now.

Figured I had better get started on doing my taxes. Thought just keying in the data for the vehicles would be a safe thing to do. Wrong.... Looking at receipts with Connie's writing on them is bad enough, but looking at the dates getting closer and closer to 11-11-2023 is really tough. Almost as tough as seeing the dates AFTER that date.

I have no idea how signifying "spouse deceased" on the forms is going to hit me.

Is insanity a valid defense for not doing your taxes?

Rich, My friend. I just read this thread. I am so sorry I have not been around. No words can even come close to making anything better. We have known each other for years. Through ups and downs.

I am thinking of you my friend. My family sends all the love we have. I am so sorry.

Thanks Gary.

I think I may be seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Trying not to get my hopes up quite yet, though.

I hope you and yours are doing well and life is treating you fairly.