So...what to do when you're told "If you breed snakes this season, I'm leaving you?"

Originally Posted by Mister Internet

I LOVE my animals, but if they ever put a strain on my marriage, they would be gone.

Tom, I understand what you are saying, and I admire the way you put your spouse first (do you have a brother?)

By the same token though, I am thinking that your wife, absent some very compelling reason and knowing how you love your critters, would not ask you to make a choice.

Here, the guy in question has been showered with clothes, gifts, and so on, but home repairs and car issues are making a temporary inroad on finances.

My point of view which of course does not have to be yours, is that a tight budget with the critters staying might make for a stronger relationship than the critters going and a down payment on a car.

I know that my critters have gone through tough times with me and the kids never thought to ask that I sell them. I do put my kids first, if there was some kind of all or nothing choice they would be #1, but really, I do not think that the fact pattern here supports such a drastic choice and that the bf would frame it that way is an issue that needs clarification between the couple of why he framed it that way.

Originally Posted by lucille

By the same token though, I am thinking that your wife, absent some very compelling reason and knowing how you love your critters, would not ask you to make a choice.

This. Very much THIS.

Originally Posted by lucille

I know that my critters have gone through tough times with me and the kids never thought to ask that I sell them. I do put my kids first, if there was some kind of all or nothing choice they would be #1, but really, I do not think that the fact pattern here supports such a drastic choice and that the bf would frame it that way is an issue that needs clarification between the couple of why he framed it that way.

From my own experiences... I gave up my speed boat and alot of other stuff to try and make a family with my ex fiance and her son. Guess what... she's gone and so is all the stuff that I once loved. From that point on I decided not to change who I was becuase.... At least I know my animals will still be here if someone decides to leave.

Some folks may think Im wrong for thinking that way... but the way I currently look at it is.... if you are into what I am into.. then that means we have even more in common and there is a greater chance the relationship will work.

Oh how I wish I had my speed boat back.

Tell him to get a better job (or any job if he doesn't have one), and to stop telling you what to do with your money. Don't buy him a car and tell him he needs to start helping with bills.

Don't be scared to lose someone who is unwilling to contribute to you both having a life you both enjoy.

Originally Posted by garweft

Tell him to get a better job (or any job if he doesn't have one), and to stop telling you what to do with your money. Don't buy him a car and tell him he needs to start helping with bills.

Don't be scared to lose someone who is unwilling to contribute to you both having a life you both enjoy.

I'm gonna go with this one (Lucille and others make some good points too).

and I just want to say that.....just because we are older doesn't mean we have to settle for men that do not recognize our value in their lives and treat us as if we are only there for their satisfaction (while you did give monetary value, he has contributed by working with you, correct? I give credit where credit is due.)

Honey, I know that you know that it is possible to have a younger man with a job that likes spending money on you! But if you love him and you are determined to see this though...I hope it all works out for you.

I woud say find a real man that respects you and what you enjoy. He honestly sounds life a selfish prick that doesn't have a leg to stand on. I've been through the same crap and honestly feel like saying screw dating. It's seems like I have to justify myself for having them and I don't even talk to a lot of my family because of the what they say about them. Listen to I'm gonna his her and change if around some.

Originally Posted by snakechaarmer

Hi all. New here. Out in the middle of nowhere with pretty much no friends, so didn't really know what to do to talk about what's going on or how to vent.

I'm 27, and have been in about 3 serious relationships that lasted 2+ years with the significant other male living in my home with me. After the first one ended because of my heavy involvement with horses and horse shows, I made it very abundantly clear to the next serious prospect that animals come first in my life and always will. They will always have food before I do, if it comes down to it. Thankfully, it never has. The second relationship ended because of money/animals/job relocation/him wanting to be a "swinger", long story - but I have been involved with my current boyfriend for 2 years. I was very up front with him when we got together, about my horse plans, snake plans, etc. I do have a lot of animals, but I have my own large, nice home and a relatively good, stable job. I do have a lot of debt but the house always has food, the electricity has never been turned off, I've never been late on a mortgage. My boyfriend works as a kennel tech at a local vet hospital, and that helps with the vet discount for the cats/dogs/etc, but he makes very little money and I understand that. That being so, he pays for electricity and phone bills, and helps with horse feed and groceries when possible.

Lately we had a bunch of things go wrong with the house that needed repairs that we can't afford. His car desperately needs replaced, my truck had some repairs needed, and a few other things. I've been trying to sell snakes and/or trade them for projects without any luck.

The snake thing has always been my deal, and he got into it when we got together. He's been to two Daytona shows with me, got into the western hognose stuff and last time insisted he needed Leopard Geckos. I've always talked about my projects, the genetics, what it will mean when I have double hets - etc, and have always been open about my plans and he has always been supportive - until yesterday. I guess it started because I did a trade for 9 more baby corn snakes , and then I did another trade where I had to pull $75 out of savings to complete the trade. When i first told him I did this, he was okay with it, and then he had huge problems with it. He started freaking out about feeding the snakes I would be breeding, and the new ones. The discussion continued...and then I guess the truth came out?

He said had he known that I was going to be breeding snakes like this, he never would have started to date me or move in with me. He said if I breed snakes this season, he's leaving. He also believes "we" should sell my horses. He literally said he believes he is "suffering" because of my animals. I was very flabbergasted...especially considering before we started dating, he was living on my cousin's futon, barely working 20 hours a week and was so skinny he looked anorexic because he couldn't afford to eat every day. In the past 2 years, I've bought him Wii/Ps3, a custom built $700 computer...clothes..etc...I just don't understand how he thinks he is suffering because of the animals?

So...1. We aren't married 2. He is much younger than me. 3. I cannot afford to buy him the things he wants (car, extreme dental work, etc), even if I hadn't spent the $75 on a snake trade. 4. He has no desire to go to school or get a better job to make the financial strain a little easier.

I do love him very much, and I've thought this whole time how lucky I was to have finally met someone who values the animals and loves them as much as I do, but now it's all falling to pieces. I don't even know what to say

Sorry to ramble on and on.

Kind of along the lines of every one else, time to have an adult conversation with this man child and tell him to step up or step out. Period.
In my opinion he sounds like a greedy spoiled child that's all the sudden pissed off because their sibling got something they wanted. So he's going to throw the only card he can on the table to manipulate and get what he wants.

Not cool.

Tell him that it's time to get a job that will truly help to contribute to the household and /or allow him to get a newer car (he DOES NOT need a brand new car or anything a year old or newer) or he needs to find a new place to live. Give him a time limit.

Regardless of where he was before you he's clearly decided to take advantage of you now. To me, and this is only my opinion, you don't have even remotely a healthy relationship. He's taking advantage of you and you're still trying to save him. Not gonna work hun.

Get real or get left. Those are his motto words now. Be empowered to TAKE CARE OF YOU!

I'd be Craig's List-ing the toys you bought him selling his Hoggies and Leos, and telling him not to let the door hit him in the ass when he leaves.

You were up front with him when you started seeing him, and he's done little to assist with the budget, so he doesn't get to tell you how to spend your money.

He isn't even carrying his own weight!!

Tell him to get out and grow a pair.

Originally Posted by garweft

Don't be scared to lose someone who is unwilling to contribute to you both having a life you both enjoy.

The only bad part about that, which I know is another bad situation altogether, is if he did leave, I would be in a serious bind on paying the other bills that he does pay (electricity, phone) and the things I am responsible for.

I've been advertising like crazy trying to find a room-mate, but with the animals, as I'm sure you all could guess, it's a challenge. I thought I had found a couple that were going to move in but that fell through

Originally Posted by TailsWithScales

Kind of along the lines of every one else, time to have an adult conversation with this man child and tell him to step up or step out. Period.
In my opinion he sounds like a greedy spoiled child that's all the sudden pissed off because their sibling got something they wanted. So he's going to throw the only card he can on the table to manipulate and get what he wants.

I kind of thought the same thing. I was literally so shocked when he said not to breed the snakes this year, I kind of open-mouth gaped at him and was like "You can't be f*&@ing serious? Really?" - After all the plans we'd made. And his exact words were..

"I feel like I'm suffering. All of the money goes to them."

Which absolutely isn't true. He wants to bring up the car, and the dental work, and so on - but really, the dental work is something that his parents shouldv'e taken care of. Not me. The car I can't help with at all. And he keeps saying "we" and he's already flat out told me he has no intention of even considering the THOUGHT of marrying me for 5+ years.

So it's like Kevin said, why would i modify plans that I've had for years before I even knew he existed to help him take care of things that aren't really my responsibility? I love him very much, and I would help in any way I could, but all the money does NOT go to the animals and I have no idea why he is trying to play that it does.

It doesn't really matter - He hasn't spoken to me since about 3pm on Friday. If he decides he wants to talk, my response is pretty much going to be "Um, unless you've come to your senses, are going to apologize profusely and beg my forgiveness and claim that an alien took over your body for the last 48 hours, I'm done."