If you could do it over again.....

I have a few huge events that I wish that I could go back and change and so many countless thousand small things that I wish never occurred and I am only seventeen. The thing that matters now though is that I do realize that I can't go back and change them and that I am going to keep this never ending proccess of bettering myself so over the years I'll have fewer and fewer things to regret. I'll never be perfect, but the goal is to strive to be as close as possible. I have changed my ways and though I am still the same in some peoples eyes, I can see that I've changed and I am noticing a lot of difference in my life. I am happy thanks to my "Higher Power."

There is only one thing I would change, but it would possibly change everything in my life.

When I was 21 I made a choice that changed the course of my life and left someone I deeply loved behind. I believe I could have made a better choice, one that would have included this person. At the time I didn't believe that I had the right to affect someone elses life with my own wants and needs, and the change I made was with his blessing as he thought my life would be better without his influence.

After some time had passed he met someone he decided to marry and called me. He wanted me to meet her and give him my opinion. I believed his happiness was more important than mine and that they were really in love, so I didn't tell him the truth. I told him she seemed sweet and that I hoped they would be happy together. What I really wanted to do was to scream at him that he had FORGOTTEN that was supposed to marry me when I got out of college and that I really loved him and she didn't. I left that bar drunk off my ass and went and confessed to a friend how I really felt. Never once did I tell the person I should have told.

Here it is 18 years later and I still wonder what would have happened if I had been honest about what I thought and felt. I waited for three years after he married her to see if they would stay together before I got involved in another relationship, After she had his baby they decided to stick it out. He always told me that when he married it would be for life....I just wish it would have been for MY life

Of course, he still doesn't have a clue. I miss him, especially the friendship we shared. I will always consider him to be my friend and will always be there if he needs me. I just hope he never does. So far he has only called me once and that was when he found out she was cheating on him. He called, I was there for him, then I left again. I still want him to be happy in the life he chose and I do not interfere.

Stupid romantic story. I don't do romance anymore....it costs too much.

Well I have thought about this for a little over a week now and can honestly say there is nothing I would change at all. If I did change even one small rudeness to a person or one tremendous mistake on my part it could change who and what I am.

Now I am not proud of more than alot of things and I feel like more than most of the things in my life big and small were complete mistakes.

I do truly wish that my actions could have happened without harming others in any way, emotional or otherwise and realize that is very unlikely.

I like who I am good and bad, I love my family, good and bad, I need every little thing, good and bad that I went through to make me who and what I am and I hope that any pain I caused others helped them in some way and was not useless pain. That is what gets me through the day, that one hope, that every bit of pain I have caused was somehow, someway transformed into good by the person/people I have hurt while I was on my way to being me.


On a side note: Shelly I feel for you and know some of the pain you feel, but I fessed up with my true love and we are very good friends to this day, I cannot imagine holding that amount of emotion inside for that amount of time, we even joke form time to time about "who knows what will happen, maybe when we are 80".