Teenagers, a rant

I love my teenage son and he is a good kid, but he deftly and charmingly gets out of most of the chores he is assigned to do around here, which actually are not all that many. The most important one is the yard work.

He is off with his friends. When he returns, I am thinking of telling him he has to decide between doing a good job on his assigned tasks, or contributing so I can hire a yard person. Between a full time job and school, Mom does not have either the time or inclination to be the yard person, and I am still, between other things, doing the grass trim today which he should have done yesterday.

What do y'all think of that idea?

Sounds like something worth trying!

I can completely understand. Sometimes it's very frustrating for my husband and myself. We're not Mr. and Mrs. Homemaker, our house is untidy at the best of times, but our daughter really tries our patience. She's quick to jump on us for our untidiness, and then turn around and do the same thing or worse. When I dare to glance in her room I wonder if she needs to hire a mini-bobcat (zat what those little tractor things are called?) to shovel out her room.

In general she gets ONE major chore a day, whether it's vacuuming the swimming pool, or pouring five gallons of water in five gallon jugs and taking them out to fill the "mouse house jugs", or emptying or filling the dishwasher, or taking out the trash. It's never very much, just one job a day. But her problem is that she doesn't see the amount of work we do, since we all go in to school in the morning together, and she usually gets home after a hard afternoon of "hanging out", she thinks that since we're home sooner we should get more work done.

We used to give her money for her incidental supplies, and she would buy the $1-store packs of razers. When we found that she was buying cigarettes with her money, we stopped giving her money, so now she wants to buy $12 razors every other week. She has no concept that we're POOR and we can't afford that kind of luxury.

In other words she's a snotty little kid. Not really. When she's being good, I love to have her around (she's my stepdaughter) and when she's being her worst I wonder if she's had enough of us and wants to go back to mommy and good riddance. Am I awful or what? One consolation... three more years of high school and then she's off to college. It DOES get easier when they're in college, doesn't it?

Originally Posted by lucille

I love my teenage son and he is a good kid, but he deftly and charmingly gets out of most of the chores he is assigned to do around here, which actually are not all that many. The most important one is the yard work.

He is off with his friends. When he returns, I am thinking of telling him he has to decide between doing a good job on his assigned tasks, or contributing so I can hire a yard person. Between a full time job and school, Mom does not have either the time or inclination to be the yard person, and I am still, between other things, doing the grass trim today which he should have done yesterday.

What do y'all think of that idea?

I know it were me, I would not be going anywhere with my friends until my chores were done. Going out with friends was a privilege that was earned. You didn't do what you were told to do you sat your butt at home.

Tell him he can't go out until the yard is done or he has helped contribute for a yard man to do it. Either way I bet your yard gets done in a hurry.

I think you should give him a big hug and tell him how much you love him.

I do that every day, Kelli, even though he is 19 and taller than I am. I do love him, but someday I will not be here to house him and feed him and the gift of learning responsibility is one I want to give him.

He makes his own choices which are not always mine; yet if he knows that what he does is valued as a family contribution, and if by taking time to teach him I can let him know that taking responsibility is the mark of a good person, then I will have done part of my job as a parent. He is already a fine person: good to animals, good to people, and a person of integrity and thought. I am proud of him.

Originally Posted by Rebel Dragons

Tell him he can't go out until the yard is done or he has helped contribute for a yard man to do it. Either way I bet your yard gets done in a hurry.

He came home for a moment just now, and we had a conversation about this. I calmly told him that I would not have this conversation again, and that the next time he fell short I would hire a yard man and he would contribute.

He agreed, and as a peace offering offered to buy a new battery powered weedeater since the gas one is decrepit.

A great kid.

That's the best advice of all, Kelli. Sometimes we're too caught up in the little stupid things, and don't focus on the big important stuff.

I was thinking about my stepson Eliot, whom I only see every summer and once every other Christmas. I was thinking back to some of the "issues" we (the family) had and realizing that really only 10% of the issues had any real substance. 90% of it was fluff, and shouldn't have ever gotten to be issues in the first place.

I don't know how good a step-mom I am. I know that if I had had children of my own I doubt that they would have grown up so well-balanced as my husband's kids are. I'm grateful to the work that my hubby's ex has put into the development of their characters. I know from my work with young people that my stepkids are some of the best people in the universe. It's just sometimes hard to remember the big picture when the little issues creep up.

I enjoyed the time my husband and I had to ourselves this summer when all the kids were at his ex's house, and in some ways was not looking forward to having them back, but once they got back, I found myself wondering what I was dreading because having them around is very special indeed, especially the one who has chosen to come and live here with us.

When I go through the zillions of blessings I have one of the top blessings I count is that of being able to be a mom to my husband's three kids. I know that their place in my life is a super special thing that could not have been discovered anywhere else.

Originally Posted by lucille

I do that every day, Kelli, even though he is 19 and taller than I am. I do love him, but someday I will not be here to house him and feed him and the gift of learning responsibility is one I want to give him.

He makes his own choices which are not always mine; yet if he knows that what he does is valued as a family contribution, and if by taking time to teach him I can let him know that taking responsibility is the mark of a good person, then I will have done part of my job as a parent. He is already a fine person: good to animals, good to people, and a person of integrity and thought. I am proud of him.

Oops.......... Didn't know he was 19. Things are a bit diffrent at that age.

After my "adult" children moved home (either for the summer from college, or to get back on their feet after discovering how kind the real world was), I made 2 lists.

LIST ONE: Rent - $300; Groceries - $100; Utilities - $50

LIST TWO: Floors - once weekly; Bathrooms - once weekly; Garbage - once weekly; Kitchen - twice weekly; Lawn - once monthly.

They got to pick which they wanted to contribute, cash or effort. It was a pretty easy choice. They each tested it once by slacking on the effort part and waiting to see if I noticed, which resulted in me asking them for $$$ at the first of the following month. They didn't slack again.

Yes, I'm a mean mom, but they're all pretty damn independent and responsible adults now.

Excellent set of lists. I very much hope to remember this when the time comes, if it does. Though our daughter has proclaimed her plan to go to the university her sister is attending (private$$) back in Oregon once she is done with High School.

One thing I worry about is when it comes time for our daughter to start to drive. Frankly we can't afford the sort of insurance raise that we've heard comes with the territory. Those lists might come in handy sooner rather than later. (She'll be 15 in September)