Roommate Advice

Hey all :-)

I'm trying to figure out a potential roommate situation, and decide what the best action would be. Let me give you a little background...

I'm looking to move into a three bedroom apartment with my best friend and her roommate (another girl). Now I know that doesn't sound like any sortof an issue to start out with but here comes the rest. My best friend and I were actually a couple for a little under a year (10 months), but due to familial differences, the fact that we were both stubborn as all hell, and because I tended not to hold my tongue and was brutally honest for some things that I shouldn't have been, we broke up (I'm a guy, by the way).

We broke up about a year ago, and since then have become very good friends. Neither of us have any intention of ever getting back together as a couple (we already know it doesn't work, nor do we actually have any romantic feelings left for each other). We haven't fought at all in the year since we broke up (it was nearly constant for the year we were together).

Some more details... we've already lived together and it lasted for about a month until she moved out. The kicker, though, is that we were living under my parents roof when I was home for winter break during my senior year at college. It was also during Christmas time, which was a particularly bad time for her. Her mom had passed suddenly about a year and a half before, and she was still having a very difficult time with it. She had moved into my parents house, temporarily, because she was having some financial difficulty while putting herself through college, living on her own and working a full-time job.


Since then (this past September) her dad also passed, but it was expected (multiple organ failure, and a whole host of other medical issues), and she had had a couple of years to prepare for it. We became much better friends through the process, and I've started to re-learn how to empathize with people. I've had a tough time through the last few years trying to understand peoples emotions because I 'turned off' to stop myself from constantly feeling hurt, abandoned and lonely when I couldn't find friends in college, or in early high school (I moved during for my last 2 years of high school, and had a great time). I've found it strange that I've had a hard time, since I tend to be fairly personable and friendly, and I'm even pretty good looking, but whatever, I digress...

In the year since we broke up, we both graduated from college (different ones). We hang out very often, and get along great. I currently have my own apartment, and she's living in a house with a roommate, but her landlord is selling the property, which is what prompted the thought of moving.

So now my reasons behind wanting to move:
1. Financial
Right now I have a large amount of student debt (~$40K), I'm taking some more classes to satisfy the pre-reqs for another degree. My apartment is far from cheap, making it difficult to try and save money for a new car (mine is on it's last legs) and to try and put any money into a 401k. After everything is all said and done, I'd be saving in the neighborhood of another $300 a month.

2. I'm bored/lonely living by myself
I've been living by myself for the past couple of years (with the exception of breaks when I was home from school). I'm ready to try the roommate thing again, since I wasn't going to have it when I was cramped into a small bedroom with a roommate that didn't shower.

3. She likes reptiles/more space for reptiles
She's sortof the person that got me back into being interested in reptiles. I used to have a couple of anoles as a kid, but that was a long time ago. When we were a couple, she bought a turtle (RES) that would be 'ours', which quickly turned into hers, after we had agreed to share 'custody' (one month, one of us takes care of him, the next we switch) while we were still a couple. Since then, she acquired a stinkpot turtle, and I have acquired a bearded dragon. My best friend's roommate likes the turtles and is cool with my beardie. She's not a fan of my roaches (feeders), but will allow for them, if they're kept in the basement. She's also not a fan of my wanting to keep snakes in the future, but she says they're fine as long as they don't escape from their enclosures. She'll also allow for keeping of rats (in the basement, with the roaches for feeders).




Sooo.... after this very long winded post, advice anyone? Yes, no, maybe?

1.Financial: You need to be very sure of your co-renters. If money is tight now, imagine how it will be if one or both of them break the lease, lose their job, etc and you're on the hook for the rent. If you are in an expensive apt. now, perhaps you should move to more modest quarters.

2. Bored/Lonely: Get a dog. y''all are young people, how will you feel if your ex gf starts dating? You'll still be bored and lonely.

3. She likes reptiles: She sounds terrific. Invite her to our board!

Originally Posted by lucille

how will you feel if your ex gf starts dating?

This question occurred to me immediately as well. Think about it. How will you feel if/when she has overnight male guests?

Since you've already had issues while living together in the past, I wouldn't think moving in together now would be a good idea. Especially not when it is so close to her unsettled time with losing a parent recently. If you are friends, stay friends. If you are lonely, have friends over more often, or go to other people's places. Even if you did move in, what if they(as a already paired set of female friends) go out on the town together all the time? Are you going to end up the fifth wheel is social situations?
Not tomention Lucille's comment of the finances. Better to find a cheaper apartment and not worry about someone else's finances as well as your own. Nothing spoils a friendship faster than money troubles.
From reading your explanation, you seem to have a lot of reservations already, that you are finding excuses for. I'd listen to that inner voice trying to warn you.
Just my two cents, I'm pretty darned anti-social myself.
Wolfy

I don't recommend it at all. Just because you both are getting along now, does not mean issues will arise later(she dates, you dates, sleepovers). What happens when someone can't pay rent one month or short on bill money? Chores, how are they going to be handled? That can usually become the big area of arguing since everyone's idea of how tidy a place is varies.
If you decide to go through with it, get it all in writing. I mean the lease, bill payment, chore duty, desires for parties, get togethers, etc.

Plus, what if you get a person you like, and start dating. that person might become jealous that youre living with someone you once dated. OR the person you dated might become jealous.

Just a Bad idea to even bother.

Thanks for all your replies so far :-)

To answer a couple of questions... she has already been dating and whatnot, and I've met and hung out with the guys she's been dating without feeling even a slight pang of jealousy or strangeness (only slightly uncomfortable if they're making out when saying goodbye, but id feel uncomfortable with anyone making out in my presence).

As far as financials go, to give a bit of a breakdown of mine personally, I'm paying in the neighborhood of $700/mo. for my apartment, electricity, gas (heat and water), plus basic cable and internet. i have about another $400 of spending money (which I'm doing my best to save for a new car and school), beyond that, and the rest of my income goes to bills (loans, phone, food, etc). we all have steady, fairly well paying jobs, the roommate has been at her job 6 years (some sort of manager), my best friend works in a hospital as a tech for about 2 months (a position in such high demand that it's highly unlikely that she'd lose her job), and i've been at my position about 7 months in a very stable company.

I've seen enough court shows to know that it's a very good idea to get everything in writing, even with friends.

I believe the majority of the issues that we had when we lived together in the past were due to the stress of us dating, living together with my parents in the same house while trying to carry out a romantic relationship, the stress of the holidays, me being stressed about finding a job before I graduated, etc. A LOT of factors that are all absent at this point.

We've already all gone out to the bars and whatnot together and had a good time, and I'm already friends with the rest of her friends (again, we've all gone out to the bars, had parties, just hung out, etc) so being a '5th wheel' isn't really a concern. And for lack of a better term, I'm a bit of a loner anyway, so hanging out and staying back by myself is nothing new.

We've already had initial discussions on cleanliness, basically revolving around how we both had left previous campus apartment situations due to our lack of cleanliness in the kitchen (leaving dirty dishes, etc), but have both since matured. so we've discussed that shared areas are to be kept straightened, and our rooms are our own personal space to do with as we please within reason.

granted, there could be a little jealousy from a person that either one of us is dating, but it doesn't necessarily need to be known that we dated at one point, and only that we're best friends.

idk, just my thoughts :-P

Originally Posted by RowingMunkeyCU

granted, there could be a little jealousy from a person that either one of us is dating, but it doesn't necessarily need to be known that we dated at one point, and only that we're best friends.

idk, just my thoughts :-P

You must be honest with who you date! i cant emphasize this enough! Not trying to scold either though, i just know, if something like that was kept from me and i found out through someone else indirectly... i would be furiously jealous and very angry about it! but i suppose im just that kind of gal too.

I totally agree with being truthful, but I wouldn't think it would be that big of a deal, or even a potential significant other's business. I mean, the relationship happened in the past, and it's turned to being friends without any romantic interest... Plus, most people don't reveal the intimate details of their past relationships, at least not immediately.


Best way to introduce the fact that I live with my best friend who happens to be my ex (if I made the decision to move it) (even if it is a year since we were together)? Necessary to tell about it immediately? After a few dates? After she meets her?

I figure if someone I date knows me well enough, they'll quickly learn that I don't cheat, have never cheated, nor ever will cheat. Also if someone is worth my time, and isn't someone I'm going to have trust issues with, it really shouldn't be a concern in the first place.

Am I being a bit too narrow minded? :-P

Originally Posted by RowingMunkeyCU

Best way to introduce the fact that I live with my best friend who happens to be my ex

We are saying that this would be an unwise move. We've given advice that you do not, it appears, want to hear.

Now you are asking for advice to cope with the inevitable fallout from the actions we counselled against in the first place.