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Lonely Hearts Club Forum Looking for someone with a common interest? Why not go where they hang out? Have fun, but not TOO much fun in here. ONLY members over 18 are welcome here. |
10-09-2010, 09:02 AM
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#1
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So...what to do when you're told "If you breed snakes this season, I'm leaving you?"
Hi all. New here. Out in the middle of nowhere with pretty much no friends, so didn't really know what to do to talk about what's going on or how to vent.
I'm 27, and have been in about 3 serious relationships that lasted 2+ years with the significant other male living in my home with me. After the first one ended because of my heavy involvement with horses and horse shows, I made it very abundantly clear to the next serious prospect that animals come first in my life and always will. They will always have food before I do, if it comes down to it. Thankfully, it never has. The second relationship ended because of money/animals/job relocation/him wanting to be a "swinger", long story - but I have been involved with my current boyfriend for 2 years. I was very up front with him when we got together, about my horse plans, snake plans, etc. I do have a lot of animals, but I have my own large, nice home and a relatively good, stable job. I do have a lot of debt but the house always has food, the electricity has never been turned off, I've never been late on a mortgage. My boyfriend works as a kennel tech at a local vet hospital, and that helps with the vet discount for the cats/dogs/etc, but he makes very little money and I understand that. That being so, he pays for electricity and phone bills, and helps with horse feed and groceries when possible.
Lately we had a bunch of things go wrong with the house that needed repairs that we can't afford. His car desperately needs replaced, my truck had some repairs needed, and a few other things. I've been trying to sell snakes and/or trade them for projects without any luck.
The snake thing has always been my deal, and he got into it when we got together. He's been to two Daytona shows with me, got into the western hognose stuff and last time insisted he needed Leopard Geckos. I've always talked about my projects, the genetics, what it will mean when I have double hets - etc, and have always been open about my plans and he has always been supportive - until yesterday. I guess it started because I did a trade for 9 more baby corn snakes , and then I did another trade where I had to pull $75 out of savings to complete the trade. When i first told him I did this, he was okay with it, and then he had huge problems with it. He started freaking out about feeding the snakes I would be breeding, and the new ones. The discussion continued...and then I guess the truth came out?
He said had he known that I was going to be breeding snakes like this, he never would have started to date me or move in with me. He said if I breed snakes this season, he's leaving. He also believes "we" should sell my horses. He literally said he believes he is "suffering" because of my animals. I was very flabbergasted...especially considering before we started dating, he was living on my cousin's futon, barely working 20 hours a week and was so skinny he looked anorexic because he couldn't afford to eat every day. In the past 2 years, I've bought him Wii/Ps3, a custom built $700 computer...clothes..etc...I just don't understand how he thinks he is suffering because of the animals?
So...1. We aren't married 2. He is much younger than me. 3. I cannot afford to buy him the things he wants (car, extreme dental work, etc), even if I hadn't spent the $75 on a snake trade. 4. He has no desire to go to school or get a better job to make the financial strain a little easier.
I do love him very much, and I've thought this whole time how lucky I was to have finally met someone who values the animals and loves them as much as I do, but now it's all falling to pieces. I don't even know what to say
Sorry to ramble on and on.
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10-09-2010, 09:29 AM
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#2
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I'd say breed the snakes only if it's something you can afford. Being second to an animal is not a place I personally would want to be, but - if he has a roof over his head, clothes on his back and food in his belly, he should not complain about plans that you had before you met.
If breeding fits into your plans without getting in the way of other debt issues, I'd say go for it. If he loves you for you and not as a "sugar mama", he'll stick around....if not, he can hit the bricks!
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10-09-2010, 09:34 AM
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#3
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There are several different issues here, and you need to separate them and deal with them separately. The first is money. Money is one of the most common reasons couples fight. If he is anxious because of the economy and because of money, talk together and try to arrive at an understanding of what is reasonably to be spent. Tell him that your critters are like family and of course you need to feed them.
If he is however just making a power move and telling you what you can and can't do as far as having snakes, ditch him. People who love each other don't try to control stuff like that.
Just my two cents.
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10-09-2010, 09:47 AM
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#4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wyldwurm
I'd say breed the snakes only if it's something you can afford.
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I have been working on certain projects for 6+ years, snakes that I have been raising and had plans for before I even met him. It's not like I am out acquiring new stuff every month, I usually only buy a few very small things (Less than $1000 worth, and I save up all year) at Daytona. The trade I did was very out of the ordinary for me, but it was a fantastic deal on a project that I couldn't pass up, and ultimately it only cost me an extra $200. It's not that I can't afford to breed them, he is I guess not liking the fact that the majority of the stuff for this coming year I will not be selling, but keeping for my future projects.
I think he is concerned about feeding them, but I have a very, very reasonable supplier nearby and I have been working and raising my own colonies to feed my own animals. They just aren't quite ready yet.
It's all very confusing because he was so excited with me for the stuff we have planned this year, and then now all the sudden it's a complete 180 in attitude.
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10-09-2010, 09:51 AM
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#5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lucille
There are several different issues here, and you need to separate them and deal with them separately. The first is money. Money is one of the most common reasons couples fight. If he is anxious because of the economy and because of money, talk together and try to arrive at an understanding of what is reasonably to be spent. Tell him that your critters are like family and of course you need to feed them.
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I thought maybe this was the problem because of his car problems - but I have already explained to him that due to my debts and obligations I *cannot* buy him a new car. If he needs one he has to go find one and then try and get a loan. He believes, I guess, that if I didn't have snakes I could buy him a car? I don't know.
I think maybe he is worried because some things aren't selling, but sometime, somewhere, somebody will come along and need whatever it is I am selling (I hope). It just may not be immediately. He is overlooking the fact that I have in fact sold 8+ snakes in the past 2 months, I guess, because I had to turn around and spend that money again on feeders/debt on a snake I got from a friend.
I am starting to think that he is blaming the animals for money problems as a way for him to get out of finding a better job/going back to school.
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10-09-2010, 10:08 AM
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#6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snakechaarmer
no friends
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Work on this. Life is always easier if you have a few people who will listen, local people where you can actually sit and have coffee and talk.
Of course, we here will listen but due to a recent spate of events, you may find that there are those who will want to see you around for a while before getting caught up in your life.
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10-09-2010, 10:11 AM
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#7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lucille
Work on this. Life is always easier if you have a few people who will listen, local people where you can actually sit and have coffee and talk.
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I will try. I've been trying. I wish it was that easy. Thanks for reading and commenting, at any rate.
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10-09-2010, 12:26 PM
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#8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snakechaarmer
I thought maybe this was the problem because of his car problems - but I have already explained to him that due to my debts and obligations I *cannot* buy him a new car. If he needs one he has to go find one and then try and get a loan. He believes, I guess, that if I didn't have snakes I could buy him a car? I don't know.
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This sounds like he is more interested in a sugga momma then an actual romantic relationship.... I don't know you... but I do know you deserve something better than that.
Quote:
I think maybe he is worried because some things aren't selling, but sometime, somewhere, somebody will come along and need whatever it is I am selling (I hope). It just may not be immediately. He is overlooking the fact that I have in fact sold 8+ snakes in the past 2 months, I guess, because I had to turn around and spend that money again on feeders/debt on a snake I got from a friend.
I am starting to think that he is blaming the animals for money problems as a way for him to get out of finding a better job/going back to school.
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If the last part is true... then your better off without him because he will suck you dry. If he is unwilling to help improve the situation.... then he needs to be in the situation by himself. IF you have to do all the work eventually ya'll will split anyway or you'll just end up hating him for his unwillingness to help the family.
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10-09-2010, 12:37 PM
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#9
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I don't know you personally, so my advice may mean nothing... but if I had ever heard "my animals come first in my life, and always will", there wouldn't have been a second date. Heck, I might have cut the first one short after hearing that. I understand the mind of someone who treats animals like people, I really do... I have family members today that have unhealthy attachments to animals because of loss in their lives.
But the thing is, animals are not people... even if they *seem* like family and like they are "closer" to us than people. That's not a natural or healthy way for a human being to live. Human beings are social creatures, and require the associations of other human beings. My guess is that he didn't really think you were serious when you said animals would ALWAYS come first, and now that he's finding out it's actually true, he's realizing that he needs to see if you will ever choose him over animals... and if not, he's ready to go.
I think his need for a decision on this issue needs to be respected. If you'll never be able to put his needs before your animals, then let him go. Regardless of how he's acting now, everyone deserves to be with someone who will put their needs above everything else... that's love. Love is NOT telling someone "tough luck, I warned you about the animals..."
And maybe use this as a chance to honestly think through whether or not your animal "projects" are really appropriate right now... animals CANNOT "come first" in relationship between two humans. I LOVE my animals, but if they ever put a strain on my marriage, they would be gone. no questions. Some things really are more important than animals...
Anyway... food for thought. I'm only replying to how the situation *seems*, so if I've overstepped in my assumptions, I apologize... best of luck....
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10-09-2010, 01:04 PM
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#10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mister Internet
I don't know you personally, so my advice may mean nothing... but if I had ever heard "my animals come first in my life, and always will", there wouldn't have been a second date.
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These are animals and responsibilities I have had since I was 15 years old. If he, or anybody else, didn't respect my lifelong involvement with my animals, then he never should have gotten involved with me to begin with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mister Internet
If you'll never be able to put his needs before your animals, then let him go. Regardless of how he's acting now, everyone deserves to be with someone who will put their needs above everything else... that's love.
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Again, it's not about an "unhealthy association" with animals, It's about taking care of the things that are your responsibility. My animals ARE like my children, and they are a big part of my life. Children need to be taken care of. I have raised and shown horses for years, as well as the snakes. However, my general well-being has never suffered because of them. My bills have been paid. I've never not had food. I'm not an idiot. If it came down to losing my home, you can guarantee some of my snakes that I love dearly would be up for sale. However, for my boyfriend to say "if you breed snakes, I'm leaving" because I need a car, etc... Is totally unacceptable.
Considering that he was living on a futon without any food before he moved in with me, and since he has gained 45+ lbs, has brand new clothes, endless amount of entertainment/computer/etc and someone that cooks, cleans, and does his laundry for him - I am NOT failing to address his needs. Just because I can't buy him a car, or because we aren't married and I can't send him to the dentist he wants to go to is not failing to put his needs above everything else.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mister Internet
And maybe use this as a chance to honestly think through whether or not your animal "projects" are really appropriate right now... animals CANNOT "come first" in relationship between two humans. I LOVE my animals, but if they ever put a strain on my marriage, they would be gone. no questions. Some things really are more important than animals...
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My commitment to my projects with the snakes, my horses, etc - were made well known to him before we even started dating. I made sure well before he moved in that he understood my priorities and where we stood with all of it. He has gotten heavily involved in a few of the projects. He has insisted on new animals, has brought cats home to be "rescued" from his work, wanted to bring 3+ dogs home, bought more snakes himself for "his" projects, and has not been innocent in the adding more animals to the menagerie.
Sorry for being snarky, but I don't feel that people should make accusatory comments without fulling understanding the situation. If you had questions, you should ask instead of accuse and make assumptions about me?
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