Connie (Mrs. WebSlave)

Well, gathered up ALL of the Christmas stuff throughout the house. I had been on some local forum that connected local people in your neighborhood, and posted there that I was giving away all the Christmas decorations. Had a bunch of people say they were interested. So I had everything out on the porch and let them all know to just come by at 3:00pm and take what they wanted. I figured Connie would have liked knowing that some of the *good* decorations she had collected over the years went to people who might appreciate and enjoy them.

Not a single soul showed up. So I just boxed up everything and took it all to Goodwill.

I guess that was my first and only attempt at doing a good deed for 2024. Got my quota in early this year.

Eh, then those folks can pay for it at Goodwill, and in the process create a nice job for someone who might otherwise have a hard time finding employment.

I've not had much luck giving stuff away online either (Craigslist, for what that's worth). I think there are people who get a thrill out of making plans to get something, and not so much out of actually getting it. Online window shopping of some sort.

I do have to admit that it was a bit traumatic driving Connie's Silverado pickup truck. Every time I looked into the driver's side rear view mirror I remembered seeing that giant smile she had on her face in that mirror when I bought it for her and was following her home in another vehicle. She LOVED that truck. She said she had been wanting one all her life.

Been 10 weeks since Connie passed away.

Really odd. I only have fleeting flashes of memories from those past 10 weeks. It is like my mind has just stopped recording since 11-11. Sort of how you can almost remember a dream you just had, just bits and pieces of it that you just can't put together into a whole memory.

Didn't go to bed till after 5am this morning. Always seems the worst when I go to bed. And I couldn't think of a good reason to get out of bed and consequently didn't get up till after 5pm. I just hate facing the day ahead of me once memory returns of what transpired 10 weeks ago. Oh yeah........

Everything just seems to be so gray, empty, and devoid of reason.

Originally Posted by WebSlave

Everything just seems to be so gray, empty, and devoid of reason.

That's normal, and will persist for awhile, unfortunately. You'll eventually get back to normal sleep patterns too; or at least what was normal for you.
Are you at least eating once in awhile? Taking your meds?

Yeah, still taking the meds. But just the Escitalopram. Haven't touched the Diazepam in a while.

As for eating, well, now and then. I have to get hungry enough to have the incentive to make something to eat. Sometimes that might be nothing more than a tangerine and a banana. Or maybe a handful of nuts. But most often just a sandwich when I get really ambitious in the kitchen. I have lost 25 lbs in the past few months. I think I need to buy some new belts for my pants pretty soon.

Maybe I made a mistake buying that air fryer. Maybe I SHOULD be eating foods that are fattening and unhealthy for me instead of the air fried stuff.

Frankly I feel better physically. Now if I can get motivated enough to work out in the yard again to keep my strength up............ But I guess I will need to get up earlier before the day is gone. Honestly, though, sleep is such a comforting escape for me.

Not a good day today.

Got a voice mail on my cell phone early this morning. I listened to it early and figured it would wait. But when I went to listen to it again, the phone started playing messages saved from the beginning. Damn... First message was from Connie back when I was running her to the emergency room about once a week. During one stint I had to come home for a change of clothes and she had called while I must have been in the shower to tell me she was scheduled to go through a scan. Ripped my heart to shreds hearing her voice.....

Then later today I had to move her truck in the garage to work on the tractor. I was OK moving it out, but when I pulled it back into the garage, I became paralyzed remembering when we bought that truck and I was following her while she drove it home. I could see that huge grin in the rear view mirror the whole way. Yeah, I lost it for a while...................................

I am never going to get over this am I?

Crap, and Friday is her birthday. I got through our anniversary on 01-08, but these constant slashes to the heart so close together are taking a toll............

Originally Posted by WebSlave

Not a good day today.

I am never going to get over this am I?

I'm so sorry Rich; those days are absolutely horrible. You won't get over it, because that would mean that Connie wasn't the most important person in your life. However, you will learn to cope better with losing her. Feelings are very raw for awhile, but in time, the pain lessens. Believe it or not, you will actually smile when you think of her, instead of sobbing. So, grieve however you need to, for as long as you need to. No one else gets to decide how you get through it.

Well, it is officially Connie's birthday today. Not sure how it is going to go. I might just try to keep myself occupied as much as possible, and if things get to me, pop a valium or two and try to sleep through as much as I can to get the day over with.

Of course, then there is Valentine's Day coming up. First time in a LONG time that I will not have a valentine partner. Guess it doesn't matter much, but I sure am going to miss those special dinners Connie would make during such days.

Well, I guess I have lost some of my marbles lately. I counted on the calendar, and today marks 13 weeks since Connie passed away. Yet tomorrow, the 11th will mark 3 months since she passed away. Used to be that there were 4 weeks to a month, but now, apparently, there are 13 weeks and 1 day in three months instead of 12 weeks. Does not compute....

Before she passed away, she made me promise that I wouldn't do anything "drastic" until 3 months had passed after she died. So come Monday, I am free of that promise. Problem is, I don't have the faintest idea of anything "drastic" that I would feel like doing. At the time, I was talking about selling the house and property and just going gypsy or something to escape all the memories that are lurking to pounce on me at unexpected and random times. But I soon realized that all of the memories are really in my head, and they will follow me where ever I go, no matter what I do. The only solidity I have in my life right now IS my home. I don't think it would be wise for me to throw that away.

I would like to say I am getting used to this, but that would be a lie.

I remember once reading something by William Shatner where his third wife had died on him and he said he cried for three days over it. At the time, I thought that had to have been a tragic event for him. But heck, now, I think, damn, he sure was cold hearted to have cried for only THREE DAYS.

Even now, three months later, I can be walking around the house or the yard doing anything when some memory will hit me and pretty much take me to my knees in tears. No warning, no escaping it.

I sure hate to think that this might be how the entire rest of my life is going to be like.