My Head is Spinning

I need some advice...or...some wisdom...something.

My boyfriend and I started dating 3 years ago (our three year anniversary is on the 24th). We had a few problems in the first year, but managed to get through it. In the beginning we decided no kids, and no marriage. Then, he decides one day he does want to get married, and I'm OK with this. Then he decides he wants kids...I'm not OK with this. We've talked and talked about it, and he changed his mind, but I don't think he TRULY changed his mind. I just know he still wants kids...We have just about nothing in common, which was intriguing, at first. Now we can't even find something to do together that we both enjoy, and I hate that.

So, fast forward...we have an apt. together, he's talking about marriage in the future, buying a house, etc. Now it's almost at our 3 year mark...and I'm scared. I'm 21 years old and somehow managed to end up 'settled down'. It's like it finally hit me...I haven't even experienced half of what I should have, and I'm already settled down? What happened? I wasn't supposed to be here until I was in my late 20s, how did I get here?

Now, all of these 'what ifs' are going through my mind...What if I'm not supposed to spend the rest of my life with him? What if I am? What if I feel stuck in the future? What if? What if? What if? I'm freaking out a little bit I guess.

I love him, and care a LOT about him, and we've been through our ups and downs. I'm not entirely sure I could spend the rest of my life with him though, and I HATE myself for not knowing. I hate myself for thinking any of this. My head is going to explode though, and I just don't know what to do. Am I seriously this freaked out by long term commitment?

Advice? Wisdom? Advil? Ugh....

Don't know what to tell you, sweetie, but I'm sad that you're beating yourself up over this and have so many "what if's".

Maybe a 90-day "vacation" is in order?

Time to re-evaluate what brought you two together, where you go from here, time to explore what YOU want...and time for him to do the same!!

That whole "If you love someone set them free" schtick.

What I'm saying is, can you spend 90 days without him in your life without being miserable??

If so, he may not be "the one".

Talk to him. Tell him that you care about him-that you LOVE him, but you need time to see if this is the right thing for YOU & HIM.

Talk to him on the phone, meet for lunch or whatever, but don't spend the night with him.

In other words, DATE him...get to know him.

If you can't say you truly love him enough to spend your life with him in 90 days, it might be time to call it quits!

I hope this helps!!

IMHO, 20yo is way too young to be talked into getting married and having kids, especially if there are ANY second thoughts about the guy OR the situation.

My own daughter is 26 yo and very happily unmarried, for the moment. I have teased her for years about not getting married until she was 30, and she teases me back about her ovaries getting cobwebs and her eggs expiring, LOL. I definitely want to see her with a good guy, but not so soon that she misses her fun and sacrifices her professional career to care for damn rugrats...er...I mean "my beautiful perfect little grandchildren".

As it is, she is independent, has most of her paycheck, and most of all, her decisions unclouded by excess and premature responsibilities to others. She's pretty serious about the current guy, and if she moves forward with him, fine, at least I know it has been an informed decision and so does she.

My advice to her has always been that "if it is not right, it is wrong", and I'd suggest that same concept to you too.

You really have to talk earnestly with him about this and be satisfied with both what he says and how he says it. Tell him that you're willing to consider it, but are in no hurry to dive in. Seriously, if you both do love each other and there are no mitigating circumstances, there really isn't any huge urgency, and pressure on you isn't what I'd expect from someone who loves you. He may not realize the impact of his statements, or exactly how you feel, or, pinning him down with specifics may reveal something you missed before, so talking this over is important from several aspects and possible outcomes.

If you two cannot talk, it's done. It will never get better than it is right now (while you're dating and both on your best behavior), and if you can't talk about this, what if something really serious comes up down the road?

To stay together in a relationship you obviously find threatening and oppressive is probably not going to help your stress levels, especially if you're dodging conversations about kids and weddings.

Is he saying these things because he thinks you expect them, in spite of your assurances otherwise?

Is he talking kids/wedding to alienate you, knowing how you feel, to make you uncomfortable enough to bail? Sounds passive aggressive in a way, and it wouldn't be the first time one partner didn't have the guts to confront and take responsibility for a break up.

You say you have nothing in common...are you sure? This is a major issue that doesn't usually get better with time without work from both parties. What brought you together, what has kept you together?

Having things to do together gets tougher as you get older, I'm 54 and have seen a bit of it...Physical excitement/attraction fades with age, so there MUST be more than just that. The problem with not having things to do together is that it leads to spending too much time apart, and it gets more challenging as you get older to find something besides mundane activities to share. Things get either oppressively boring as neither of you ever do anything except nothing together, or more and more isolated from each other as you each find your thrills elsewhere.

Can you find something related to things he likes that might work for you? If not, I have a hard time seeing you guys happy in a few years, and if you're breeding kids for him, it may not be an easy decision to reverse. You will be trapped. Like a rat. In a cage. Unless you're really doing it because you want to.

I use the term "breeding kids" because the urgency to have children at your age reminds me of my younger brother, who married his **first** wife for the express intent of having a son, LOL.

I'd agree with taking a break, but I guess we all know that 90 days is like forever at your age and a "break" of that duration essentially means "goodbye". Unless this is what you really want, it might be a good idea to just take a few weeks off to catch your breath. In any case, I'd say you are pretty far apart on this children/marriage thing and if he sincerely wants all this now, you'll either have to be able to get with the program or be able to say "no, not now!".

Originally Posted by Katie.Shinkle

My boyfriend and I started dating 3 years ago (our three year anniversary is on the 24th). We had a few problems in the first year, but managed to get through it. In the beginning we decided no kids, and no marriage. Then, he decides one day he does want to get married, and I'm OK with this. Then he decides he wants kids...I'm not OK with this. We've talked and talked about it, and he changed his mind, but I don't think he TRULY changed his mind. I just know he still wants kids....

What you are talking about hits home, speaking from my own sorid history and outlook... I've never wanted children. A lot of guys (during the first few years) will agree that is great or say they don't want them either. Then later you hear 'maybe we should have kids' or something along those lines just like you did. I've had this happen three times... and the relationship always ends. The guy wants kids. He thinks you'll 'come around' after some time. Maybe he sees you as young and thinks you'll change your mind. At least that's what I've been told when I ask 'but when we got together you said you were okay with no kids'...

don't get stuck in the 'what ifs'... that led me to be in an unloving relationship for 6 years cause I kept asking myself 'what if he IS the one...' Also don't forget, if it really is 'meant to be', you may reconnect later in life when you are both in the same frame of mind, you never know what the future holds. Asking the questions you are is a good sign that you are ready to move on, sometimes it's hard to accept it in your heart and brain even if it is in your gut. You are only 21, you have a lot of life ahead of you and many more experiences, don't settle. Don't hate yourself for questioning, it's normal! If you decide to stay, you have my best wishes as well! It is of course always your choice.

good luck!!
-April
(I feel really stupid giving relationship advice when I have sworn off relationships.. so take what I said with a grain of salt, I'm rather bittter)

It's funny-not ha ha funny-just odd.

My oldest daughter married a guy, they both wanted kids when they married-or so she thought.

As the years went by, every time Jen said she thought they should work on a family, Mike would get her a new pet, thinking it would shut her up.

Later, Jen confronted him and he admitted that-

A-He never loved her, but didn't want to lose her because he didn't want to be alone, and he really liked her cooking, and didn't want to go back to living with his mother or have to find a roomie.

B-He never really wanted a family, but didn't know how to tell her, so he'd just substitute a new pet.

He absolutely broke her heart.

She high-tailed it out of there, and now she and her new boy-friend have a beautiful baby girl.

And he's stuck with the mortgage on the house he refused to put her name on along with his.

Sorry I haven't responded. I thought the other day that maybe I had this figured out, only to find myself thinking on it today and having mini-anxiety attacks over it. Gah, how do I get so worked up? Anyways, I'm going to answer all of these the BEST I can, in separate replies, because the quoting is going to get a little confusing.

Originally Posted by SamanthaJane13

Don't know what to tell you, sweetie, but I'm sad that you're beating yourself up over this and have so many "what if's".

Maybe a 90-day "vacation" is in order?

Time to re-evaluate what brought you two together, where you go from here, time to explore what YOU want...and time for him to do the same!!

That whole "If you love someone set them free" schtick.

What I'm saying is, can you spend 90 days without him in your life without being miserable??

If so, he may not be "the one".

Talk to him. Tell him that you care about him-that you LOVE him, but you need time to see if this is the right thing for YOU & HIM.

Talk to him on the phone, meet for lunch or whatever, but don't spend the night with him.

In other words, DATE him...get to know him.

If you can't say you truly love him enough to spend your life with him in 90 days, it might be time to call it quits!

I hope this helps!!

Donna, thanks so much. I've thought about a break, just have NO idea how we would do it. We live together and work together (we are both security for my apt. complex), so it would be quite difficult. I'm still undecided if I'll try this or not, but I do like the idea of dating him again.

James, first, thanks so much for this. It's amazing how complete strangers can come to your aid in your time of need, and I really appreciate it.

Originally Posted by E.Shell

IMHO, 20yo is way too young to be talked into getting married and having kids, especially if there are ANY second thoughts about the guy OR the situation.

He's not really trying to directly talk me into anything really. We had already agreed that we could get married, and that isn't too big of a deal for me, as long as it's way down the road, and things are good of course. It's the kids thing that scares me. I just don't want kids, and he didn't at first, but now he doesn't understand why I wouldn't want children. I try to explain, and he can't understand how I could feel that way about bringing life, his and my blood, into the world.

About 2 weeks ago he said in a conversation 'Since we've pretty much decided we aren't having kids...'. I thought that was it, he'd made his decision and I had mine, and they just so happened to be the same, and we were good. Then not 2 nights ago he brings up kids again. Not in a 'So, I think we should have kids' way, but 'WHY don't you want kids?' conversation. Which brings me back here. He obviously wants kids, and I just...don't.

Originally Posted by E.Shell

My own daughter is 26 yo and very happily unmarried, for the moment. I have teased her for years about not getting married until she was 30, and she teases me back about her ovaries getting cobwebs and her eggs expiring, LOL. I definitely want to see her with a good guy, but not so soon that she misses her fun and sacrifices her professional career to care for damn rugrats...er...I mean "my beautiful perfect little grandchildren".

As it is, she is independent, has most of her paycheck, and most of all, her decisions unclouded by excess and premature responsibilities to others. She's pretty serious about the current guy, and if she moves forward with him, fine, at least I know it has been an informed decision and so does she.

Your daughter sounds like she's really got her head on her shoulders, I'm glad to hear that. The first paragraph had me laughing, seems like you two have a wonderful relationship, and that's just great to see.

Originally Posted by E.Shell

My advice to her has always been that "if it is not right, it is wrong", and I'd suggest that same concept to you too.

You really have to talk earnestly with him about this and be satisfied with both what he says and how he says it. Tell him that you're willing to consider it, but are in no hurry to dive in. Seriously, if you both do love each other and there are no mitigating circumstances, there really isn't any huge urgency, and pressure on you isn't what I'd expect from someone who loves you. He may not realize the impact of his statements, or exactly how you feel, or, pinning him down with specifics may reveal something you missed before, so talking this over is important from several aspects and possible outcomes.

I plan to talk to him. Get him to actually tell me, honestly, if he wants children, and I guess we'll have to go from there. When he first decided he wanted kids, I was 19 I think, and we actually fought about it, and I left, only to come back and talk to him. I told him then that I would consider kids, but there were no promises. We took a somewhat 'break', still together but me living with my mom and only staying with him on weekends. It didn't last long before I told him that I was either moving in with him again, or finding me a nice cardboard box, but I could not stay at my mom's (step-dad issues...). So I was back with him.

He now knows my decision on it, and his has gone a little back and forth. From the way he talks though, I know he wants kids. I've tried compromising, saying I'd rather adopt, but he wants his own flesh and blood child.

Originally Posted by E.Shell

If you two cannot talk, it's done. It will never get better than it is right now (while you're dating and both on your best behavior), and if you can't talk about this, what if something really serious comes up down the road?

In the beginning of our relationship, it was really tough, due to my horrid communication skills. I was quiet, very soft spoken, and just let him do all the talking. Eventually, with a lot of poking and prodding from him, I came out of my little shell and began to communicate better. It's still hard for me, just from crap in the past, but I've been getting better day by day, finally speaking me mind.

Originally Posted by E.Shell

To stay together in a relationship you obviously find threatening and oppressive is probably not going to help your stress levels, especially if you're dodging conversations about kids and weddings.

Is he saying these things because he thinks you expect them, in spite of your assurances otherwise?

I'm not dodging the conversations, we just never come to a conclusion, if that makes any sense? It's just been back and forth, not in an argument way, just conversation.

I think, in a way, he's just trying to convince me to change my mind, without forcing it on me, but by pointing out good things about having children. Which I understand, and I've put a LOT of thought into. Children are amazing, and I'm sure being a parent is magical, it's just not for me.

Originally Posted by E.Shell

Is he talking kids/wedding to alienate you, knowing how you feel, to make you uncomfortable enough to bail? Sounds passive aggressive in a way, and it wouldn't be the first time one partner didn't have the guts to confront and take responsibility for a break up.

I've thought about this, but he isn't one to be passive aggressive like this. If he felt this wasn't going anywhere, he'd sit me down and tell me.

Originally Posted by E.Shell

You say you have nothing in common...are you sure? This is a major issue that doesn't usually get better with time without work from both parties. What brought you together, what has kept you together?

We have very similar/identical moral values, ideas, etc. But as far as activities, interests, etc., we have nothing/close to nothing in common. It's very hard for us to figure out things to do together, and have tried doing things new to both of us, and haven't really found anything. We've tried getting into each other's hobbies, and it doesn't work.

I was actually going through a rough spot in life. My boyfriend of (on and off) 5 years and I had been hanging out again, and I was trying to get back with him. It was stupid, and I just didn't realize it (he was emotionally/verbally and physically abusive to me). Finally, one day, I woke up. Justin was living with him, but they were no longer friends, and I had been talking to Justin a lot, and that's what started it.

It's like...we've ran out of things to talk about I guess...

Originally Posted by E.Shell

Having things to do together gets tougher as you get older, I'm 54 and have seen a bit of it...Physical excitement/attraction fades with age, so there MUST be more than just that. The problem with not having things to do together is that it leads to spending too much time apart, and it gets more challenging as you get older to find something besides mundane activities to share. Things get either oppressively boring as neither of you ever do anything except nothing together, or more and more isolated from each other as you each find your thrills elsewhere.

Can you find something related to things he likes that might work for you? If not, I have a hard time seeing you guys happy in a few years, and if you're breeding kids for him, it may not be an easy decision to reverse. You will be trapped. Like a rat. In a cage. Unless you're really doing it because you want to.

Guess I already answered this, but we've both tried, and it just isn't working.

Originally Posted by E.Shell

I use the term "breeding kids" because the urgency to have children at your age reminds me of my younger brother, who married his **first** wife for the express intent of having a son, LOL.

YIKES

Originally Posted by E.Shell

I'd agree with taking a break, but I guess we all know that 90 days is like forever at your age and a "break" of that duration essentially means "goodbye". Unless this is what you really want, it might be a good idea to just take a few weeks off to catch your breath. In any case, I'd say you are pretty far apart on this children/marriage thing and if he sincerely wants all this now, you'll either have to be able to get with the program or be able to say "no, not now!".

He's not trying to say 'Lets get married now and have babies'...he just wants it in the future. I honestly have no problem getting married, but I never want children. If he had told me he wants to try to have a kid now, I'd tell him he's nuts.

Again, Thanks James

April, thanks for adding your experiences here, it really helps!

Originally Posted by AbsoluteApril

What you are talking about hits home, speaking from my own sorid history and outlook... I've never wanted children. A lot of guys (during the first few years) will agree that is great or say they don't want them either. Then later you hear 'maybe we should have kids' or something along those lines just like you did. I've had this happen three times... and the relationship always ends. The guy wants kids. He thinks you'll 'come around' after some time. Maybe he sees you as young and thinks you'll change your mind. At least that's what I've been told when I ask 'but when we got together you said you were okay with no kids'...

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. I think his decision changed to wanting kids, instead of began that way and him hiding it. He's just not the type to do that. He's a very honest person, and speaks his mind (and sometimes I have to tell him to shut it...lol). I think he just realized one day that he doesn't want to be the minority, and wanted a family, and to pass on his name ().

Originally Posted by AbsoluteApril

don't get stuck in the 'what ifs'... that led me to be in an unloving relationship for 6 years cause I kept asking myself 'what if he IS the one...' Also don't forget, if it really is 'meant to be', you may reconnect later in life when you are both in the same frame of mind, you never know what the future holds. Asking the questions you are is a good sign that you are ready to move on, sometimes it's hard to accept it in your heart and brain even if it is in your gut. You are only 21, you have a lot of life ahead of you and many more experiences, don't settle. Don't hate yourself for questioning, it's normal! If you decide to stay, you have my best wishes as well! It is of course always your choice.

good luck!!
-April
(I feel really stupid giving relationship advice when I have sworn off relationships.. so take what I said with a grain of salt, I'm rather bittter)

I think I am getting a little caught up in the 'what ifs' and it wouldn't be the first time. This time, it's harder, because he's actually a GOOD guy. I don't want to lose him from my life, ever, whether we are 'married with 2.5 kids' or just friends. My mind is just a whirlwind of questions and I just can't find one damn answer.

Thanks again April, and I don't think you should ever feel stupid for giving me this advice, or anyone. Especially since you've had this experience. I can also understand swearing off relationships, heh...they are incredibly complicated!

Originally Posted by SamanthaJane13

It's funny-not ha ha funny-just odd.

My oldest daughter married a guy, they both wanted kids when they married-or so she thought.

As the years went by, every time Jen said she thought they should work on a family, Mike would get her a new pet, thinking it would shut her up.

Later, Jen confronted him and he admitted that-

A-He never loved her, but didn't want to lose her because he didn't want to be alone, and he really liked her cooking, and didn't want to go back to living with his mother or have to find a roomie.

B-He never really wanted a family, but didn't know how to tell her, so he'd just substitute a new pet.

He absolutely broke her heart.

She high-tailed it out of there, and now she and her new boy-friend have a beautiful baby girl.

And he's stuck with the mortgage on the house he refused to put her name on along with his.

Wow, Donna, that guy is nuts! Sounds like he got some of what he deserved for deceiving her. I'm horrible at communication, but I'd never say something as big as 'I want kids one day' to someone I didn't love, much less use them for company. I'm glad she's found her a better man, and has her little girl now



Again (I'm saying this a lot...), Thanks Everyone. I thought I had it figured out Tuesday morning when I woke up in his arms. Thinking 'Why would I give up such an amazing man?', but after today, and truly thinking about our difference wants for the future, I don't know it will be good for either of us to be together, because we are only holding each other back. I love him, and this is just incredibly hard, but I'll be talking to him about our future decisions, and what we are wanting, here in a few days. I just need to get stuff straight in my head, and maybe this weekend, not seeing each other much (wonky hours for us both on the weekends between all the jobs), will help build up my courage.

He's not trying to say 'Lets get married now and have babies'...he just wants it in the future. I honestly have no problem getting married, but I never want children. If he had told me he wants to try to have a kid now, I'd tell him he's nuts.

Again, Thanks James [/quote]

Just wanted to ask......are you SURE about that?? Like REALLY sure??
You said you are only 21 right? I knew for a fact, just like you, that I NEVER wanted kids! I know have 2 little girls ......!
I wouldn't change it for the world! I often laugh now that I was SOO set on NOT having kids. I THOUGHT I had an idea of what I wanted in life.......THOUGHT!

I am NOT saying "deep down maybe you do want them one day, so have kids with him and find out".....but I am saying if you love him anyway, I would just keep it at "I do not want kids now, MAYBE one day." This way you are NOT lying to him, and it would give you both plenty more time to think about things....

I am also only 21 years old, my husband being younger than I am. Neither of us wanted kids, and we both honestly agree that it was the best thing for US. Again, my husband and I DO agree that we COULD have waited......fact is god wasn't playing it that way, and we had our children now.

Katie, good luck with whatever you decide. I hope everything turns out AMAZING for you and yours!!