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Old 03-01-2005, 02:46 PM   #1
Blazin
Wink Need a laugh?

> Lizard Birthing Story...
>
> If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
>syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
>below will have you laughing out LOUD!
>
> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
>
> Here's what happened:
>
> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
>"something wrong" with one of the 2 lizards he holds prisoner in his
>room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
>Dad. Can you help?"
>
> I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed
>him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his
>back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I
>called, "come look at the lizard!"
>
> Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
>babies."
>
> "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
>mom!"
>
> I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said
>we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
>
> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
>she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
>
> "No, but you were supposed to get 2 boys!" I reminded her, (in
>my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
>
> "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>
> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
>she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
>
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going
>on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to
>be a wondrous experience, I announced." We're about to witness the
>miracle of birth."
>
> "OH, Gross!" they shrieked.
>
> "Well, isn't THAT just GREAT! What are we going to do with a
>litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really
>do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
>
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
>like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
>"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
>
> "It's a breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>
> "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
>
> "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
>when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried
>several more times with the same results.
>
> "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe
>they could talk us through the trauma."
> (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
>
> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
>
> We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
>"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
>
> "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
>(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is
>one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for Heaven's sake.)
>
> The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
>little animal through a magnifying glass.
>
> "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
>scientifically.
>
> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may
>I speak to you privately for a moment?"
>
> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to
>be okay?" my wife asked.
>
> "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in
>labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You
>see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
>maturity, like most male species, they get Erections!"
> My wife said in a questioning manner, " Erections?????"
> The Doc replied, " yes, you know WOODS, BOONERS, he's raising his own pup TENT!"
> The three of us were silent for a minute.

> He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm
>saying, Mr. Cameron."
>
> We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's
>just...just...Excited," my wife offered.
>
> "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
>
> More silence.
>
> Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And
>then even laugh loudly.
>
> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that
>the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
>manliness.
>
> Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm
>picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..."she gasped for more
>air to bellow in laughter once more."
>
> "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and
>hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad
>everything was going to be okay.
>
> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he
>told me.
>
> "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with
>laughter.
>
> 2 - Lizards......... $140
>
>
> 1 - Cage........... $50
>
>
> Trip to the Vet... $30
>
>
>
> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's little wiener...
>
> PRICELESS
 
Old 03-01-2005, 02:54 PM   #2
Bringerofdoom
Thats soooo funnny!
 
Old 03-01-2005, 02:57 PM   #3
Chris@TSE
youve got issues lol
 
Old 03-01-2005, 03:14 PM   #4
FreakOfNature66
haha

that story just totally made my day
 
Old 03-01-2005, 05:07 PM   #5
groovygeckos
whoa !

that was pretty funny , Thanks man !
 
Old 03-01-2005, 06:50 PM   #6
Vince
was that in reptile mag befor?
 
Old 03-02-2005, 03:15 AM   #7
StinaUIUC
I've DEFINITELY seen that before...although I could swear it was about hampsters last time....lol
 
Old 03-02-2005, 03:33 AM   #8
SableLynx
That was GREAT Chad. Thanks for the laugh, I really needed a good one.
 
Old 03-02-2005, 07:43 AM   #9
MatthewK
It was going around a white back with hampsters in place of lizards.
 
Old 03-02-2005, 01:05 PM   #10
USAGECKOS
That was a RIOT! I needed that laugh, thanks Chad!
 

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