Heaven Or Hell???

Heaven Or Hell???


Duhbya
While walking down the street one day, George "Duhbya" Bush is shot by
a disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.
Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there
is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not
sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer."
says Duhbya.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself:
He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven.
Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him
to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course;
the
sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees.
In
the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his
dad...and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the
years: Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell.... The whole of the "Right"
was there...everyone laughing...happy.... casually but expensively
dressed.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they
had
getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants." They play a
friendly
game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita
and relax, Duhbya!"
"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and
it
just gets better from there!" Duhbya takes the drink and finds himself
liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells
funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull
and
Bones brother with real horns.
They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time
to
go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator
and
heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is
waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says,
opening
the gate. So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of
honest,
good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things
other
than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy
joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great,
it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see
anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! Worst
of
all, to Duhbya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his
endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive. "Whoa," he says uncomfortably
to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day
in
Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for
eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Duhbya
reflects
for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say
this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think
I
belong in Hell with my friends." So Saint Peter escorts him to the
elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren
scorched
earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste.. kind of like
Houston.
He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained
together,
picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning
and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes
over
to Duhbya and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Duhbya, "Yesterday I was
here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and
caviar...
drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were
campaigning; today you voted for us."