JColt

These are genuine extracts from letters sent to a council housing office. There are double entendres galore but the senders wrote their words in all innocence.

Lady tenant complaining about DIY repairs next door:
"He has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more."

Problems with the garden foilage:
"My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it"

Noisy neighbours:
"... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs apartment and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night."

Dangerous paths:
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle badly; then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

Kitchen furniture problems:
"I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers."

Repairs needed:
Send a man round with a big tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

"I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction."