Wives and Snakes

It all boils down to the fact that she does not like me spending time with the animals, spending time online, or paying for animals. The unproven male was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back.

It all boils down to the fact that she does not like me spending time with the animals, spending time online, or paying for animals.

Damn.... sorry. Do you think selling the animals will fix the real issue?

I don't know if it will work for you~ But try this

Ask her if she REALLY wants to play the "unreasonable spouse" game. In this game you also get to deny her something she really wants because it is expensive, unhealthy, or time consuming. Take a look at her hobbies~ at something you know she really doesn't want to give up but you could give a rats arse about.......point out to her that it's only fair if she gives up as much as you do.

OR

You can both compromise by establishing a place and a $$ allowance in the household for each of your own "things". Your hobby may not take up anymore space than hers, and it may not use up any more money than hers. Establish boundaries, and a weekly or monthly allowance for expenses. If you (or she) wants a particularly pricey item you may have to sell some of your other stuff or save up for several months to get it......but it may only come from your allotted hobby money or money made from your hobby. Same with her.

Don't approach her nasty~ sit her down and tell her you want to have a serious adult discussion and do not want to play the "Unreasonable spouse" game~ so you need her to discuss alternatives with you.

Good luck!

Cheryl''s Idea sounds really great. I told my BF on the first date that I had a child and pets. (just cats at the time) I told him when we moved intogether that I will always have pets. A house is not a home to me with out a warm fuzzy or two. He was never really excited about it (the pets, he loves the kid) but he excepted it. When we decided to get into herps, he really suprized me and loves them. I guess I got lucky.
Good luck, hopefully she can be reasonable.

Originally Posted by ms_terese

Do you think selling the animals will fix the real issue?

I think this is a very good question Steve. It sounds to me like your wife's objections to the snakes might only be a symptom.

Originally Posted by ms_terese

Damn.... sorry. Do you think selling the animals will fix the real issue?

Beat me to it Terese.

I just very very recently ended a 2 plus year relationship myself. None of it had to do with my critters though. Although the problems that ended our relationship got right down to my core beliefs.

If you are not there to make each other happy, to improve each others quality of life, to support one another in every way, to accept each other for who they are, including the things they enjoy in life, then there is no reason in being together. Life is too short for it to be any other way.

I am not a jealous man nor a controlling man. I am about trust, sharing and encouragement. I would never want a significant other to quit doing the things they enjoy because we are a couple now. I have never had a wife/girlfriend that I did not flat out insist that they maintain doing the things they did when they were single. Be it their hobbies, going out with their friends and most importantly dont stop doing things you enjoy just because I aint into them. I know 100% for certain that I am not going to sacrifice the things I enjoy in life just because someone else dont like or dont want me doing them. Again, life is too short for that.

I am not telling you to run out and get a divorce Steve, but maybe a heart to heart or some marriage counseling will help you and your wife get a better understanding about what it truly means to devote your lives to one another.

Originally Posted by SPJ

It all boils down to the fact that she does not like me spending time with the animals, spending time online, or paying for animals. The unproven male was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back.

Exactly - one of my exes and I used to fight regularly about the animals. It wasn't a money issue (because she had no idea how much I spent on anything), but it was time and attention...she also decided somewhere along the line that she didn't like some of the animals I dealt with (crocodilians, venomous, etc). It became a recurring battle - monthly even - with comments about the whole other life I was leading that didn't include her or the kids.

Originally Posted by ms_terese

Damn.... sorry. Do you think selling the animals will fix the real issue?

That's exactly what I was thinking when reading Steve's last couple of posts.

If you do decide to participate in this "compromise" where you keep only three snakes, then I wouldn't actually sell anything, at least not anything that I would really regret selling later.
I'd try to place my animals with a couple of friends I trusted for a few months and just wait and see.
I may be completely off base, but to be honest it wouldn't surprise me if once you caved in on the snakes she would just move on to another target in your lives and direct her complaining toward that. If that's the case then you've already begun the decline and if that's what's really in her mind you'll be glad you didn't liquidate everything in the end.

Just remember, appeasement is never a solid foundation to build on. It usually only leads to further appeasement being required later on to shore things up again.

Wow, I am soooo sorry to here this Steve.

What I have learned over the years of raising children, husbands, dealing with family, and in-laws is that we all need something to enjoy. Hobbies keep my mind active and alive.

When I was married, the biggest issues with my passion was the cost. He wanted me to make money not spend money to make it later. He didn't like the fact that I was spending time with my reptile friends and not my 12 step friends.

In reality what was happening (I can see it so clearly now but couldn't at the time) is that we were changing and moving in different directions. He ignored what I was doing and I encouraged his growth, thinking that I was right and trying to justify my own need for self expression. He turned to the Bible and religion, I was more involved with my animals, being club President, attending shows, giving presentations, an being on line with my friends.

In the end, there was no room for compremises, he was done with my crazy friends, club responsibilities and spending time in my snake room. I could on about his on line computer games etc. etc. but I have to take personal responsibility for my actions and not his.

If she loves you, really loves you, she will respect your need for self expression. You also need to respect hers. I hate ultimatums, I am the kind of person that will stand my ground to make a point and end up standing alone.

I hate to see anyone loose a relationship over reptiles when there are so many other self destructive vises out there. You're not spending your time and family money at a strip club, bar, drugs or gambling. All of those could be used as a reference when trying to change her mind.

Cheryl, as always has an excellent point. Set a budget and or spending allowance, try to find a way to compromise. I hope that you both find some peace in your final decision together. Please keeps us updated as this develops and changes.

Sorry about the car thing lol! All she had to do was ask me to move it and it would have been done. You should have told her I was there for dog grooming tips instead of reptiles lol, then she wouldnt have any ammo. Good luck, and if I can help in anyway I'd be glad to! Take care, Dan M.