Rodney Dangerfield’s Best One Liners.

Rodney Dangerfield’s Best One Liners.


1. I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to
play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home.
"I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night
she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said
to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came
home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning put a shirt on and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept
covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me
that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came
with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my
father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find
my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"I
don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm So ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big
I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I
look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He
said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite
in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a
pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper
four times -- three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy -- for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the
electric chair.