Husbandry of human offspring?

There has been a lot of talk about these creatures lately, so the following info that I've gathered, as well as the input that I hope to receive, is for Christine's(crissabella) benefit, as well as mine.

Scientific name - Homo sapiens
Common name - Children, Devil Spawn (also occasionally referred to as..."That ain't mine")

I've dealt with many animals, yet I'm not acquainted with these creatures (not in their early stages of life). Soon, however, I will be met with the challenges of caring for these (as an occasional babysitter). First off, let me give you some background info...

The breeders are from different localities...the sire is German, and the dam (my sister) is Polish (no one-liners, please!) The dam is currently 23 weeks into the gestation period. She has been put on an diet of peanut butter and bananas. For the most part, she does not regurgitate too often.

The sire has shown an increased level of stress. He paces back and forth within his enclosure, and I've started noticing bald patches on his head. I initially believed this to be the bird equivalent of feather plucking, yet my research into this matter showed no correlation between the two.

From what I've read...human offspring have no musk glands, yet they do emit a rather strong odor. They bark like geckos, but are not necessarily nocturnal. They will also voice a scratching-at-the-chalkboard-like hissing noise...(great defense mechanism, by the way). They produce an overwhelming amount of urates and feces. Fortunately they do not have the tools necessary to inflict major damage from biting. However, they are aggressive and tend to dislodge their cage furniture and throw it (with surprisingly great force) at anything that approaches.

They're omnivores and their diet consists of...well...anything they can get their paws on. They've even been known to enjoy supplements of plastic legos. Apparently they are terrestrial, yet in later years, they will believe themselves to be arboreal and climb up anything that is within reach.

Based on my research, I've come to the conclusion that they are no different than rabid monkeys. I'll be honest...I'M TERRIFIED!!! And, as it turns out, the dam will be producing TWO of these creatures . So...can anyone let me know the proper techniques in Devil Spawn husbandry? Such information will come in handy when I babysit...and will be greatly appreciated by myself and Christine (I'm sure).

The following are photographs of their development...

Your sister looks fantastic!!!! I hope i look as good at 23 weeks as she does I definitely need the input as well, as i have never cared for an infant before. Both my nieces were well beyond the toddler years when i would babysit for them, so i am also a bit nervous, or terrified would be a better description

Trust me mama instincts kick right in. You'll be fine!!

Originally Posted by crissabella

Your sister looks fantastic!!!! I hope i look as good at 23 weeks as she does I definitely need the input as well, as i have never cared for an infant before. Both my nieces were well beyond the toddler years when i would babysit for them, so i am also a bit nervous, or terrified would be a better description

Yup, all jokes aside...I used to get stressed out with every new herp addition. I wanted to make sure that my care does right by them. Now, I'll find myself in a position where two little humans rely on me (even if it'll only be for a week at a time, or so). I mean, I'm going to be worried about so much as farting around them...as not to give them emphysema .

However, I agree with Seanna. Once mommy instinct kicks in, you'll have nothing to worry about. Your gut will tell you much of what you need to know.

So...can anyone let me know the proper techniques in Devil Spawn husbandry?

Get a nice clean baby bottle. The proper nipple is important, you want one that isn't too hard and uncomfortable in the mouth. Pour in 4 oz of tequila. Drink up and repeat as needed, usually before diaper changes, feedings and endless walking and swaying.

Buy lots of pacifiers, they are your friend.

Originally Posted by polasian

Yup, all jokes aside...I used to get stressed out with every new herp addition. I wanted to make sure that my care does right by them. Now, I'll find myself in a position where two little humans rely on me (even if it'll only be for a week at a time, or so). I mean, I'm going to be worried about so much as farting around them...as not to give them emphysema .

However, I agree with Seanna. Once mommy instinct kicks in, you'll have nothing to worry about. Your gut will tell you much of what you need to know.

You will be fine, Uncle Nick I know you are going to be the best Uncle these kids will ever have, and your sister is lucky to have a brother like you Wait til those babies say "Unca Nick" for the first time, it will literally melt your heart

Originally Posted by polasian

Yup, all jokes aside...I used to get stressed out with every new herp addition. I wanted to make sure that my care does right by them. Now, I'll find myself in a position where two little humans rely on me (even if it'll only be for a week at a time, or so). I mean, I'm going to be worried about so much as farting around them...as not to give them emphysema .

However, I agree with Seanna. Once mommy instinct kicks in, you'll have nothing to worry about. Your gut will tell you much of what you need to know.

I'm sure your "mommy instincts" will kick in too Nick, don't worry

Originally Posted by Melinda

Get a nice clean baby bottle. The proper nipple is important, you want one that isn't too hard and uncomfortable in the mouth. Pour in 4 oz of tequila. Drink up and repeat as needed, usually before diaper changes, feedings and endless walking and swaying.

Buy lots of pacifiers, they are your friend.

Lol. Why only 4oz? :O there are two, so shouldn't it be double the amount?

Originally Posted by polasian

Yup, all jokes aside...I used to get stressed out with every new herp addition. I wanted to make sure that my care does right by them. Now, I'll find myself in a position where two little humans rely on me (even if it'll only be for a week at a time, or so). I mean, I'm going to be worried about so much as farting around them...as not to give them emphysema .

However, I agree with Seanna. Once mommy instinct kicks in, you'll have nothing to worry about. Your gut will tell you much of what you need to know.

I know what you mean about preparing for a new herp... getting a snake soon and I'm trying to design a large terrarium... I'm kinda nervous and have even been having bad dreams about screwing up while taking care of a snake. Although I am not a therapist, I do have a psychology degree so I'm sure I'm not reading into that too much. Still have no idea why I was keeping a snake in a jar with water in it and opening it to feed it pieces of chicken...

Anyway, the fact that you care so much about them before they're born, makes me think that you're going to be a great uncle! ...and your sister does look great!

Originally Posted by Utta

Lol. Why only 4oz? :O there are two, so shouldn't it be double the amount?

Your absolutely right! I completely forgot about having 2 babies at once.

Originally Posted by Iguanachic

Trust me mama instincts kick right in. You'll be fine!!

You'll do great!

Nick, your sister looks great for being pregnant with twins! You'll be a wonderful Uncle!