Connie (Mrs. WebSlave)

I picked up Connie's cremains from the funeral home today. Was rough, but at least I didn't fold up like a wet noodle.

Not sure if it would have been worse seeing a hole in the ground she was going to go into, but she was adamant about being cremated. Even her sister said Connie had been emphatic about that even as a teenager. She didn't want any sort of service, and didn't want any fancy urn for her ashes. So the ashes are in a black plastic container that they handed to me in a cardboard box.

Didn't seem fitting for what the wonderful person she was in my life, but that is what she wanted.

Now I just have to figure out what I am going to do with the rest of my life. But I really can't see past today.

one day at a time Rich... you will pull through this..

I am so very sorry for this loss, my friend. Please know that you are loved and supported by so many.

Been one month since Connie passed away.

I would like to say that I am getting better, but honestly, I am not.

Too many things here to remind me of her. But if I were to get rid of them, then the place would feel like and empty lifeless shell.

I know I should distract myself with something, but just trying to work up the enthusiasm to do ANYTHING is pretty tough to do. I keep asking myself, "Why bother? What is it going to matter?"

I go to bed when I get tired, and I get up the next day when I can't stay in bed any longer because my body begins to ache. Which might be 2 or 3 in the afternoon. Can't come up with any good reason to get out of bed at all, to be honest.

I guess I will get over it eventually and get used to living alone for the rest of my life. Maybe..........

My sympathies for your loss. In my experience keeping busy is the way to keep your mind on other things. Cant promise the pain of loss will go away but It will get better day by day. Find a friend to call when you need to talk. Ill keep you in my thoughts and prayers..

When someone asks me concerning Connie, "What is your relationship to the deceased?" How do I answer that? Ex-husband? Past husband? Husband? Widower? Dead Man Walking?

I would probably say 'husband', Rich.

I'm not sure there's any one right answer, and if there's a wrong one you're quite allowed to say it and anyone who doesn't like it can just deal with it. So long as you don't hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it, and are doing what you need right now, and are working to make tomorrow a little brighter, I think anything goes.

Well, OK. Which would mean Connie will always be my wife. But I wonder if Connie up in heaven still refers to me as being her husband when asked?

Last Christmas we got rid of our artificial Christmas tree after Christmas was over. It was unsaid, but I don't think either of us believed that Connie was going to make it to Christmas, 2023.

Consequently, there was no Christmas here. No decorations beyond my wrapping the garland of medical ID arm bands that Connie had made around the container with her cremains in them. I guess it is a sign of a damaged mind that I would think of doing something like that, but heck, I did it anyway.

What brings that to mind is that I was looking to see if she had stored away another crab steamer pot, and there was a box in the laundry room up on a shelf for one of those pots. Had to get a step stool, and it was above the washer, which made it real awkward to get to. It had other boxes piled on and around it. And to make matters worse, any of those boxes sitting on that shelf were like they were glued to it. So I am thinking we put those boxes up there LONG ago. Anyway, prying them off of the paint at that awkward angle really threw a kink into my lower back. Getting better, but I know it is waiting form me to make just one wrong little move and it will whack me again.

Nope, no crab pot in that box. But LOTS of Christmas ornaments and decorations which haven't seen the light of day in many a moon. And so were most of the other boxes filled with that stuff. So since I had them down from the shelf anyway, I piled those boxes near the front door with the intention of getting rid of all of them. But I know there is more in the front living room, and as well as in the closet in the bed room, with some spill over into the bed room itself. I am going to get rid of all that stuff. I don't ever expect to "celebrate" Christmas again in my remaining lifetime.

Maybe there are some things in those decorations that will have some special significance to me concerning Connie, but not sure how much I am going to want to be digging into that stuff.

I can't bring myself to go through her clothes yet to get rid of them. That might take me a while. I almost really lost it when she had one remaining night gown she wore a lot while she was sick that I needed to wash and dry, and I DID lose it quite a bit while I was folding it up to put it away. Unavoidable. I think she was actually cremated in one identical to that one which probably set the trigger on that trap.

She has lots of depression era glassware in multiple display cases and cabinets that I know should go to her family members. But not yet. The thought of seeing all those cabinets emptied and barren would be a whole lot worse than seeing that glassware she loved so much. So they will just have to wait till I am ready for that. Which very well could be never. Or at least till I kick the bucket too, of course.

Today (Saturday) will be 8 weeks since Connie died. I had a doctor's appointment on 01-04 so he could check on me and how I am doing on the Escitalopram he prescribed to me. It must have cumulative effects, as I felt much calmer than in the past. I felt like I could actually stand on a stage and give a speech in front of an audience of naked female chainsaw hookers from Mars and not stutter even once. I don't know how many of you have seen the Eddie Murphy movie called "Meet Dave", but I feel exactly like that. Like I am sitting in the control seat in my head moving levers and pressing buttons to make my body do things. Rather odd.....

Maybe I should have experimented with recreational drugs in my younger band playing years. Maybe I missed something.....

So I am still a husband and still have a wife that is up in heaven. Hmm, interesting. I wonder what THIS lever does...................................

Well, today would have been my 46th wedding anniversary with Connie.

Sorry my friend. I know it is painful