Update please

Was thinking of you and Connie today, and hoping all is going well for y'all and hoping you are doing better from the horrible health issues you both have gone through.

Really not sure how to answer to that. Definitely not any short answer, anyway.

If Hell is anything like we are going through, I would guess the worst part of Hell would be the thinking that there is an exit door out of it, when there probably is not. But we still keep looking.

I keep thinking of the marriage vows Connie and I took. In particular the phrase "till death do you part." Never gave that much thought at the time. Never realized what a curse that actually is.

A year ago, life for us was so completely different, that it almost seems like a dream. Connie had a persistent cough, but we were thinking it was likely just a bout of bronchitis that she would get about every year ago. Then two weeks later we find out that there was fluid around the right lung that contains cancerous cells, and she had three malignant masses in her abdominal area. Along with the diagnosis for stage 4 ovarian cancer, which no matter how you look at it, is just not in any way, shape or form, good news. Life, as we knew it, basically crashed down all around us at that time.

To be perfectly honest, I am surprised that Connie is still alive today. Many people diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer don't fare nearly as well. I don't know how long I was actually in shock. Maybe I still am.

She has been through a complete chemo regimen, although she did have a really bad reaction to one of the chemo drugs (Taxol), and they had to go to an alternative. Around September of so, we decided to go to a different oncologist, as the one Connie started out with wound up earning our distrust. Some things took place that pretty much convinced me that the original oncologist had some issues, and didn't appear to have Connie's health and best interests fully at heart. Both Connie and I discussed this and feel pretty strongly that had we not left there, Connie would likely be dead right now. Connie remarked MANY times that she just felt like some sort of lab rat to that woman.

So right now Connie is getting what they are calling a "maintenance regimen" of Avastin every three weeks, even though the "tumor marker" CA 125 never got down into the "normal" range, and has actually been ratcheting upwards lately. But the new oncologist told us that the CA 125 actually indicates peritoneal inflammation, and there are other things (including Avastin) that can cause that blood test number to be elevated. Physical exams have showed no more tumors forming. A couple of CT scans have not found any more tumors forming. But honestly, that CA 125 number rising does have me feeling pretty nervous about it. The rest of Connie's blood work she gets every three weeks does look pretty good, as best I can tell, and from what others tell me, but that sword hanging over our heads is awful sharp, and appears to be held up by so few threads.

And Connie has actually been feeling pretty good lately. Several times she told me that she almost feels normal. Her weight us up to around 114 and she has a real good appetite. But she does tire easily and just feels like she is not getting enough sleep at night. She tries to do normal things around the house and yard, but she really doesn't have the stamina she used to.

But on the other hand, more than once Connie has said to me "we really need to do this now while I still feel pretty good." Meaning that she is expecting to get worse sooner or later.

So I pray she will be able to pull through this, and pray even harder that this just isn't the calm in the eye of the hurricane.

As for me, well after having the two coronary stents put into my heart, I seem to be doing OK. Hate the anticoagulant drug I am taking as I bruise so easily, and while doing yard work the thorns on the sticker vines seem to leap out at me to get me bleeding like crazy from their slashing. I don't worry about my heart much, as it has been about 10 months since my heart attack, but I really hate the bruising and bleeding when I get the inevitable skin violations from something pointy and sharp. Push come to shove, all I ask for of my heart is to keep me going as long as Connie needs me to help take care of her. After that, well, quite frankly, I won't give a damn.

So physically I am doing OK. Mentally, well, not so much. This is all just a continual and apparently never ending stressful time that seems to have sucked away our future. I hate thinking about what it will be like if Connie passes away prematurely (which actually means any time before I would be ready for it, which honestly, I NEVER will be ready for). And to be quite honest about it, sometimes I do fall apart at that thought. My imagination does things like that to me, and can be quite uncontrollable.

Earlier this week Connie met her sister over in Apalachicola for a couple of days for a "girl's day" sort of thing. So I was here at home alone. That was actually kind of rough. Several times a day I would be in the den, sometimes working on something and other times just nodding off, when I would suddenly realize that I hadn't heard from Connie for a bit, and I would get up to see what she was up to. Then I would realize she wasn't here. And some of those times I didn't know for sure if I was in the future sometime after she had passed away, and she was NEVER coming back. But then I remembered she was just away for a couple of days and the panic subsided. What a just awful, awful feeling that was.

So I guess in a nutshell, our status is "still kicking". So far.

Oh the plus side, if I should wind up in Hell after I die, it will be a piece of cake compared to this.

It sounds as if you both have been through a lot of health challenges and may face further ones; but hopefully not for some time; you deserve some non crisis time where you both can do the things you love to do. I hope and pray that you both continue to have quality time together for years where you can enjoy each other's company.

I will keep Connie and you in my prayers. Nothing disrupts happiness like illness.

I know what you mean about the bruising. Everyone at work were asking what in the hell happened to you? Last Friday I moved a heavy cabinet as we are having new flooring put in at work. My right arm got tweaked pretty good. I woke up Saturday morning and looks like my right arm was run over by a car. Doesn't really hurt all that much though. I bump into a wall and I look beaten.

Hope you get some fairly good news soon and can enjoy summer.

Sometimes it is a real challenge just trying to figure out where the new bruises came from. I had one show up on my right forearm one day. Finally figured out it was from just carrying a rifle with the butt under my arm pit and the weight laying on that spot on my forearm.

Then I had a rather large bruise on the inside of my right thigh. That one was caused from my using my extended hedge trimmer whereby I would brace the backend of the trimmer there when going through some tougher undergrowth. I figured that one out the next time I used the hedge trimmer and had an "ouchie" moment.

The other day I was trimming off some small branches on Connie's lemon trees (that got devastated by the Christmas freeze we had here) and somehow a small branch got caught between the inside of my right ankle and my upper left calf while I was walking. Hurt like a sonofabitch and nearly brought me to my knees in pain. Didn't get a bruise on my calf, but the muscle swelled up a LOT and really hurt for a few days. Still is a bit tender to the touch, but surprising that I didn't get an immense bruise from that impact. But my ankle got a spectacular bruise and still today when I get out of bed it takes about 10 minutes before I can walk on it without limping.

I swear it feels like I have aged 10 years in just the past year. Used to be I could hit myself with a ball peen hammer *HARD* and never get a bruise.

Connie and I were outside working in the yard yesterday. Probably more than we should have, because we really got worn out. We have been walking a lot, but not doing nearly as much physical activity with the yard work as we usually do. I was using the battery powered tiller to clean up some spots that Connie wanted to put some plants in the ground. This helps getting the roots and crap out of the area. She spent most of the time cutting off dead branches (that cold spell damage again) from some of the sago palms around the house. Then she wound up helping me with one area I was working on that had some particularly troublesome roots. One sort of looked like an underground boa constrictor. I think they were from the crepe myrtle trees, even though they were quite distant from where I was working. We probably shouldn't have put them near the pool. The root system of a crepe myrtle is downright scary. Puts bamboo to shame. And don't EVER put in wisteria as you have no idea how extensive the root system will get with that plant.

Anyway, Connie seems to be in real good spirits today. I bought her a cancer book a while back and she is finally getting around to reading it. World Without Cancer; The Story of Vitamin B17 She seems really impressed with what it is saying. I will put it in the stack of books I have marked to read "one of these days".

Seems to be so much BS related to pharmaceutical companies and their control over the health and welfare of people, with the willing assistance (and enforcement powers) of their government front, the FDA. Between COVID and now this cancer stuff, my eyes have been REALLY opened about things I never gave a second thought about. Heck, I never even gave them a first thought. Some things will irrevocably change your life.

So anyway, neither Connie nor I died from the workout yesterday. Lately I tend to fear the day AFTER I work hard, because of the way my heart attack went last Memorial Day.

Connie has another Avastin treatment scheduled on Monday. Plus another round of blood tests and a meeting with her oncologist. So yeah, another *fun filled* day.....

But at least today feels like being in the shallow end of the Hell pool, where I don't feel like I might be losing the battle trying to tread water.

Glad you had a couple decent days. Yeah people will point at one of my bruises and asked what happened. I usually say, I don't know, lol.

I'm hoping that after all your work and pain that at least some of the lemon trees snap back and give you lemons this year. You have put a lot of effort into all the things you have planted over the years.

Extremely unlikely. Some of the earlier new growth is dying back from a lot of our damaged citrus trees, which originally gave us hope they might bounce back. None of the damaged trees are going to produce any fruit this year, and perhaps never again. We have a changsha tangerine that originally came from seed that happened to grow from where it was spit while eating the fruit from one of our original grafted trees that appears completely unharmed from the cold. It has lots of fruits developing on it, and honestly I expect it may be only one of a few of the changsha trees we have to produce anything. All of the other varieties have either gotten killed, or so damaged that they didn't even produce any blooms this year. Real damn shame that a pumelo we had planted several years ago was going to be big enough this year to likely produce fruit for Connie. It looks like it is completely dead.

Two of the four satsuma trees have some new growth coming out real close to the graft, even though they are on the grafted part and not the root stock, but I suspect that is just the root stock itself coming out. Which will be useless.

As for Connie's Meyer lemon trees, well, photos are attached below. I will be surprised if they don't die back completely. We have had them for a good 20 years, I believe. All it took was a few days of cold to wipe them out. They survived easily everything else weatherwise that was thrown at them before. But not this hellish year of 2022.

Connie is talking about digging out the dead citrus trees and putting magnolia trees in their places. Personally, I really don't feel like putting that kind of effort into putting plants in the ground AT ALL. This burned me badly.

Connie used to really enjoy the spring citrus blossoms and watching the fruits forming.She LOVED giving away fruit to even perfect strangers we would meet at the seafood market when she would take fruits down there. That all got taken away from her this year on top of this cancer crap she is going through. I really and seriously HATE how much this has disappointed and saddened her.

If Connie passes away sooner rather than later, I just don't know what I will do with this place. I had thought that perhaps I should just do what I can to keep everything running, taking care of her plants for her as sort of a memorial and respect for the effort she put in caring for them all. I mean so much around here has her soul tied up in it. But now? What would be the point? I can't stand looking now at those dead and dying trees, so how would seeing those remaining citrus tree stumps a year or three hit me with her being gone?

I know people will say that when things get really bad, often you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Well, all I see looking down that tunnel is a damned black hole clawing at me, trying to suck down and devour everything that means anything to me.

Yeah, I am sure you have probably noticed, but this was a bad day today (Monday).

My grandmother died from complications of a fall. I recall my grandfather saying that he was lonely but was glad she has passed first, as he thought it would be a huge struggle for her to live on her own. He kept his large property, in a house he had built himself, and refused to move to Texas to live with me. If I could go back in time I would move back north to take care of him because his location was not conducive to him meeting up with acquaintances and of course the internet as we know it did not exist. He died some years later of a heart attack while walking to his mailbox, which was where his private road met the public road maybe a quarter of a mile.

I will guess that will pretty much be my fate as well.

There really is such a thing........

https://patient.info/news-and-featur...a-broken-heart

I wonder if already having a heart attack makes this much more likely for me?