Perfection in Parenting

[Sasheena]

Lately my husband and I "stand condemned" by our daughter (his daughter, my stepdaughter) because we are not perfect parents. So I've done a lot of thinking. See, she's been very rebellious lately, and of course she blames this on us because of our failings. I try to be optimistic, but usually can only see by the measuring stick of my own childhood. For me, I never acted up because I couldn't stand the conflict that getting into trouble would produce for me, so I find it hard to see and understand. For hubby, who was a real rebel, it is easier for him to see the light at the end of the tunnel, he knows that he was rebellious and yet has a good relationship with his mother now.

I find myself, however, relating very strongly with my stepdaughter's complete disgust at our imperfection. My adult life has helped me to understand my parents better, realize that they are not now, nor ever were, perfect people, and that 1/2 to possibly 3/4ths of my disappointment and teenage distress was related to the unrealistic presumption that parents should be perfect and my own were "reject parents" because they weren't perfect. I see it now. I didn't see it then. So I can see how she thinks we are so awful in our imperfections.

I'm curious how prevalent this is, to look back and realize that you expected your parents to be perfect. So I thought I would post a little poll. Plus, of course, it helps for me to "talk" about the difficulties I'm having as a "reject parent" and a stepmom (You Can't Tell Me What To Do!).

So I would love to hear other insights. I love my stepdaughter. It would be so much easier to NOT care for her... Not care that she's breaking laws and being a little you-know-what and smoking and etc. But darn it, I never was one to take the "easy" way!

 

[Serpwidgets]

I don't beleive there was a time where I was aware I believed that adults were perfect, but it was "understood" in my mind for a LONG time. Nor was there a time when I suddenly had a eureka moment and said, "hey, wait a minute!" It was a slow realization over the course of years, for me.

I think what makes a good parent is deciding to do what is right, as opposed to doing what will win a kid's approval. Sounds like she's trying to manipulate that right now, but you are the one with the wisdom to see beyond it and the patience to hold your ground.

And as a side note, I can't believe how many parents fall for the "hypocrite" thing... I can't tell my kids not to ____ because I did it when I was young, so that would make me a hypocrite to tell them it's bad. Well, if that's true, doesn't potty training your kids make you a hypocrite because you pooped your pants when you were 2 years old? I know better now, therefore it does not make me a hypocrite, it makes me someone who has grown.

IMO the fact that you care, and (I believe) you will figure out and then do what you know is best for her in the long term (even though it may hurt your feelings in the short term) is what makes you a good parent.

 

[Abish]

I can't remember ever living with the delusion that parents were perfect. My father was quite open and honest about the fact that all humans are flawed and have shortcomings. His patience with my weaknesses helped keep me from judging him too harshly for his. Watching him work to improve really helped us have a close, supportive relationship.

My mother was a different sort. Parents were always right and always beyond questioning, end of discussion. She also expected her kids to become perfect. It made it very hard to accept correction or criticism from her, and really made me afraid to be too truthful with her. It caused a ton of friction between us.

If you are honest about your imperfections ('your' meaning yours, your husbands, and your daughters), but continue to be both authoritative and loving, I don't see you guys as being in any danger of becoming 'reject parents'. It sounds like there is a lot of genuine love there, and that's what counts the most, whether or not you are June Cleaver.

 

[Sasheena]

Thanks for the words of wisdom guys. I need them more than you know! I told my stepdaughter when she arrived (in a friendly conversation while working with the animals, not in a "TALK") that I hoped she understood that I was brand new at this whole parenting business, that her father and I were overjoyed (no exagerration) at her being with us, and that I hoped she would understand that while we weren't perfect, we really were glad she was with us. I told her we would learn the whole family thing together. It seemed to be a touching moment, where honesty flowed both ways. The biggest problem we had, following this, was that as soon as she started to have issues, she claimed that every loving thing she ever said was a lie, how she hated being with us, etc etc etc. I know that a lot of the things were said in the heat of the moment. One of our most recent arguments, where she called me every name in the book, she did apologize about... "I'm sorry about our argument. I shouldn't have used profanity. I can't apologize for the things I called you, because I believe those, but I shouldn't have said it in that way." Jeeze... thanks very much.

The biggest issue is that we're teachers at her school. That makes it difficult for her. We don't want our students in our personal space. Love of teaching and dedication to the job doesn't mean we want to live it 24/7. It's hard for our daughter because she doesn't care for our having so much control over her life even while she is at school.