SEX: 5 Jokes

LOUD SEX:

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"



QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"



DECEPTIVE SEX:

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.

One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair.

Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"


CONFOUNDED SEX:

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".



WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,

Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'

You forgot HALLWAY SEX:

Husband and wife pass each other in the hall way and say "Screw you!" to each other.

After Lorainna Bobbitt did her thing and she was driving down the road with this thing in her hand, she threw it out the window.... just by coincidence, an old couple was driving in the other direction and it smacked up against their windshield.... the old man looks at his wife, and says.... "Honey, did you see the size of the dick on that bug??"


There's a Dr. in with his patient, and his patient wants to have sex with him.... A little voice in his head says, "Bob (the Doc), you knew this day would come, maybe you should!".... Another little voice says, "You have to act professional!".... The other voice says, "Bob, just do it, you have to think of your patients!".... The other voice says, "Yes, Bob, but YOU'RE A VETERINARIAN!!!"

....Neil

You forgot the last part of the Bobbit story. After the old couple commented on the size of the dick on that bug, they turned on the wipers and flung it off the windshield. It hit a pedestrian in the head. Now he's cock-eyed.

That reminds me of what happens when you cross a telephone pole with a rooster....


a 40 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!

....Neil

A young boy is feeding chickens. One of the chickens pisses him off, so he hauls off and kicks the chicken. The father see's this and tells the boy "You shouldn't be kicking chickens son, because you kicked the chicken you may not have any eggs for a week."

Later the boy is milking a cow, the cow pisses him off, so he hauls off and kicks the cow. The father see's this and tells the boy "You shouldn't be kicking cows son, because you kicked the cow you may not have any milk for a week."

Later, after a hard days work Father and son go for a well deserved break drinking lemon-aid on the porch with Mom. Dad finds the cat in his favorite chair, so he hauls off and kicks the cat out of his chair.

The boy looks at his mother and says "You want to tell him, or can I?"