[SOLD!!] The dude

If you like "Orange Is The New Black" you will not like this orange creamsicle because he is ALLLLL MAAANNN.

On a sadder note, like most young manly men these days, he is experiencing failure-to-launch syndrome. Though he was first out of the egg, he's last to leave the nest. He is seemingly content to hunker down in his dad's basement for the foreseeable future, whereas all his siblings have moved out and sought education, careers, and the hollow pursuit of documenting their best moments on Instagram.

But enough is enough. Daddy has grown tired of enabling this slothful and embarrassing behavior. It's time Son got a glimpse of the world beyond his little hide box. I am seeking a life coach on the boarder of confident and arrogant; the Li Shang to my Fa Mulan--someone to make a man out of fragile boy.

For an arm, leg, and $250 that person can shoulder the responsibility of cancelling the Xbox Live subscription, confiscating all Rockstars and Cheetos the pantry holds, and help my son become as mysterious as the dark side of the moon (another Mulan reference, not a Pink Floyd one).

2018 Male Banana Cinnamon Enchi het Ghost Lazy Pants, weighing over 350g of junk food and wasted years. Eats f/t and/or live mice (gross) and pork grinds (yum).