If horses could sell themselves...

[timebider]

Actual Craigslist ad.

http://www.getmyfix.org/2691/if-horses-sold-themselves/

$1000 Best. Horse. Ever.

Konichiwa compadres. Are you looking for the most kick-ass horse that ever lived? If so, look no further. You found him. I’m a 15-year-old professional packer with experience at bad-ass barns in the United States of AMERICA. That’s right! I graduated from Penn National racetrack, and moved to NYC at the tender age of five. After deciding that New York was a ragin’ stink hole, I moved back to Pennsylvania to cultivate more professional experience on the A circuit. Why? So I can pack your *ss around the show ring and not have to post sh*t like this on Craigslist.

Anyway, so I lost my job in the recession and I have no clue where to live. Honestly, I’ve got three weeks of board left, so I don’t give a rats behind if I have to sleep in your round pen.

A bit about me: I’m respectful, quiet, clean and I won’t touch any of your crap. If you leave a bucket of oats outside my stall at night, I’m just like, “Sweet Jesus, I better not mess with this crap, because it’s not mine.”
I’m never lame. I don’t eat much. I’m always ready to work. Heck. I’ll even do ALL THE WORK for you. That’s right! My dad is an international champion and taught me everything there is to know about show jumping. I’ll memorize the course, make ridiculously tight turns, and jump at least six inches higher than the jump. I’ll make you look like a f*$&ing superstar. EVERY. SINGLE. CLASS.

Don’t want to run at jumps? That’s FANTASTIC! I’ll canter on the slowest 12’ stride you ever imagined and find the distances for you. Imagine all the ribbons you’ll win!

Do you like trail rides? I LOVE TRAIL RIDES. I can ride the sh*t out of trails. Water, ditches, gates. Whatever. You want to go there. It’s my life’s mission to take you. Or we don’t have to go on a trail ride ever. It’s completely UP TO YOU!

A lot of people ask me, “Hey, you’re a Thoroughbred. Are you batsh*t crazy?” And, the answer to that question is, no. I’m not crazy. I’m not even judgmental. I LOVE PEOPLE. I want to help human beings for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion, sexual preference, or personal hygiene. Pretty cool right?

I own almost nothing! Last I checked, I had a halter and lead rope with my name on it. I have one pair of shoes. You can HAVE THEM. See?! I’m the most considerate horse you’ve ever met. I’m offering to give you things already!

Am I interested in your barn? You bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require a bit of grass, four fences, water and a tree to shelter me from the elements. Anything beyond that will be considered a bonus.

I’m taking being a show horse to the next level. Email me! I’ll hook you up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of Pony Club trophies and a list of the top 10 things I’d like to eat before I die. If you want a next-generation horse that consistently blows your mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I’ll give you the ride of your life.

 

[Melinda]

love it!! I wish my horses resume's are that good!

 

[Shadera]

That's an awesome ad. I hope they find him an equally awesome new home.

 

[SamanthaJane13]

That's an awesome ad. I hope they find him an equally awesome new home.

I totally agree!!

I hope the poor guy finds his perfect Forever Home!!

 

[timebider]

That's an awesome ad. I hope they find him an equally awesome new home.

Hear, hear! I suspect with a resume like that, he can't lose.

 

[Tiki108]

I agree, my horses just haven't mastered the keyboard yet, but when they do, oh you will see some killer resumes, lol

 

[Wilderness]

LOL have you ever seen the 'other' horse ad? It's almost as funny. If my horses were up for sale, this is moreso what their ads would look like....



I have a used bright purple pony halter for sale. Adjustable and in fairly good condition.

A pony will be included with the halter. I currently call this pony "Juicy" although he goes by many other names as well, depending on my mood and his behavior.

This pony is just waiting to become someone's little dream pony.

This 12.2 hand, 7 yr old pony is fantastic, if you are into the type of equine that is is constantly invading your space/vehicle, etc.

He believes he needs to be everywhere you need to be, especially when food is present.

He is in great shape, if you consider round a shape.

He never met a horse trailer he didn't like and climbs in them every chance he gets, whereupon he immediately puts his feet up on the manger so he can look out the window. He made it halfway in the back of my car the other day before I noticed and sped off.

He LOVES little kids, especially little kids with treats. He will eat them. (the kids, not the treats) Just kidding.


This pony has been worked over 2'6" jumps and lunged over 3'3" jumps. However, he likes jumping my 4 ft. pasture gates the best.

He could absolutely be someone (else's) dream pony.

He's very affectionate, both with people(especially women) and horses(especially mares). This little guy is the neighborhood gigolo. By affectionate, I mean he will have no issue invading your personal space/private parts, if you know what I mean. He sticks his nose wherever he wants. With mares, he is lucky he is quick because he will mount mares, even the ones who have "a headache." He is not at all discriminating, although I've noticed he likes the fuller figured gals. His absolute favorite is mounting a mare while a woman is on the mare. Ask my friend Lisa, I'm sure she considered that a good time.

And when rejected? You can see that he is clearly thinking that the female is merely playing hard to get. This just makes him more determined.

This porky little guy very much thinks that he's got what the ladies want, even if they don't know it yet. He reminds me of the little guy at the bar who hits on everybody, whom you practically have to blow an air horn in his face to get rid of.

This pony has been on television, which probably adds to his ego trip.

He could be the perfect little dream pony(for someone else).

He walks/trots/canters/jumps, takes trips to the mailbox and to check the waters, goes trail riding, swims, poses on stripper poles(ask me), tests your trailer floor weight limits, tests your trailer emergency walk through doors, taste tests anything and everything, steals food from blind horses, tried to mount my dog(it is a big dog), stands tied patiently to the swing set while my son swings, loves to roll in the sand box, allows little kids to mount him from lawn chairs, buckets, swingsets, clubhouses, ladders, gates, side of the trailer and anywhere else, pulls little kids on sleds in the snow, tries to decapitate adults by running them under arena railings, and so much more.


Did I mention that he could be the perfect little dream pony(for someone else)?

"Juicy" is also a fantastic workout companion. I think I've lost at least 15 lbs since I've had him. I've never run so much in my life, either after him or from him. Though his little flabby butt cheeks closely resemble two pigs fighting under a blanket, he got me in wonderful shape.

I firmly believe he's a dream pony (someone's else's dream, that is).

Call me if you want a used purple halter and are a glutton for punishment.