James, first, thanks so much for this. It's amazing how complete strangers can come to your aid in your time of need, and I really appreciate it.
IMHO, 20yo is way too young to be talked into getting married and having kids, especially if there are ANY second thoughts about the guy OR the situation.
He's not really trying to directly talk me into anything really. We had already agreed that we could get married, and that isn't too big of a deal for me, as long as it's way down the road, and things are good of course. It's the kids thing that scares me. I just don't want kids, and he didn't at first, but now he doesn't understand why I wouldn't want children. I try to explain, and he can't understand how I could feel that way about bringing life, his and my blood, into the world.
About 2 weeks ago he said in a conversation 'Since we've pretty much decided we aren't having kids...'. I thought that was it, he'd made his decision and I had mine, and they just so happened to be the same, and we were good. Then not 2 nights ago he brings up kids again. Not in a 'So, I think we should have kids' way, but 'WHY don't you want kids?' conversation. Which brings me back here. He obviously wants kids, and I just...don't.
My own daughter is 26 yo and very happily unmarried, for the moment. I have teased her for years about not getting married until she was 30, and she teases me back about her ovaries getting cobwebs and her eggs expiring, LOL. I definitely want to see her with a good guy, but not so soon that she misses her fun and sacrifices her professional career to care for damn rugrats...er...I mean "my beautiful perfect little grandchildren".
As it is, she is independent, has most of her paycheck, and most of all, her decisions unclouded by excess and premature responsibilities to others. She's pretty serious about the current guy, and if she moves forward with him, fine, at least I know it has been an informed decision and so does she.
Your daughter sounds like she's really got her head on her shoulders, I'm glad to hear that. The first paragraph had me laughing, seems like you two have a wonderful relationship, and that's just great to see.
My advice to her has always been that "if it is not right, it is wrong", and I'd suggest that same concept to you too.
You really have to talk earnestly with him about this and be satisfied with both what he says and how he says it. Tell him that you're willing to consider it, but are in no hurry to dive in. Seriously, if you both do love each other and there are no mitigating circumstances, there really isn't any huge urgency, and pressure on you isn't what I'd expect from someone who loves you. He may not realize the impact of his statements, or exactly how you feel, or, pinning him down with specifics may reveal something you missed before, so talking this over is important from several aspects and possible outcomes.
I plan to talk to him. Get him to actually tell me, honestly, if he wants children, and I guess we'll have to go from there. When he first decided he wanted kids, I was 19 I think, and we actually fought about it, and I left, only to come back and talk to him. I told him then that I would consider kids, but there were no promises. We took a somewhat 'break', still together but me living with my mom and only staying with him on weekends. It didn't last long before I told him that I was either moving in with him again, or finding me a nice cardboard box, but I could not stay at my mom's (step-dad issues...). So I was back with him.
He now knows my decision on it, and his has gone a little back and forth. From the way he talks though, I know he wants kids. I've tried compromising, saying I'd rather adopt, but he wants his own flesh and blood child.
If you two cannot talk, it's done. It will never get better than it is right now (while you're dating and both on your best behavior), and if you can't talk about this, what if something really serious comes up down the road?
In the beginning of our relationship, it was really tough, due to my horrid communication skills. I was quiet, very soft spoken, and just let him do all the talking. Eventually, with a lot of poking and prodding from him, I came out of my little shell and began to communicate better. It's still hard for me, just from crap in the past, but I've been getting better day by day, finally speaking me mind.
To stay together in a relationship you obviously find threatening and oppressive is probably not going to help your stress levels, especially if you're dodging conversations about kids and weddings.
Is he saying these things because he thinks you expect them, in spite of your assurances otherwise?
I'm not dodging the conversations, we just never come to a conclusion, if that makes any sense? It's just been back and forth, not in an argument way, just conversation.
I think, in a way, he's just trying to convince me to change my mind, without forcing it on me, but by pointing out good things about having children. Which I understand, and I've put a LOT of thought into. Children are amazing, and I'm sure being a parent is magical, it's just not for me.
Is he talking kids/wedding to alienate you, knowing how you feel, to make you uncomfortable enough to bail? Sounds passive aggressive in a way, and it wouldn't be the first time one partner didn't have the guts to confront and take responsibility for a break up.
I've thought about this, but he isn't one to be passive aggressive like this. If he felt this wasn't going anywhere, he'd sit me down and tell me.
You say you have nothing in common...are you sure? This is a major issue that doesn't usually get better with time without work from both parties. What brought you together, what has kept you together?
We have very similar/identical moral values, ideas, etc. But as far as activities, interests, etc., we have nothing/close to nothing in common. It's very hard for us to figure out things to do together, and have tried doing things new to both of us, and haven't really found anything. We've tried getting into each other's hobbies, and it doesn't work.
I was actually going through a rough spot in life. My boyfriend of (on and off) 5 years and I had been hanging out again, and I was trying to get back with him. It was stupid, and I just didn't realize it (he was emotionally/verbally and physically abusive to me). Finally, one day, I woke up. Justin was living with him, but they were no longer friends, and I had been talking to Justin a lot, and that's what started it.
It's like...we've ran out of things to talk about I guess...
Having things to do together gets tougher as you get older, I'm 54 and have seen a bit of it...Physical excitement/attraction fades with age, so there MUST be more than just that. The problem with not having things to do together is that it leads to spending too much time apart, and it gets more challenging as you get older to find something besides mundane activities to share. Things get either oppressively boring as neither of you ever do anything except nothing together, or more and more isolated from each other as you each find your thrills elsewhere.
Can you find something related to things he likes that might work for you? If not, I have a hard time seeing you guys happy in a few years, and if you're breeding kids for him, it may not be an easy decision to reverse. You will be trapped. Like a rat. In a cage. Unless you're really doing it because you want to.
Guess I already answered this, but we've both tried, and it just isn't working.
I use the term "breeding kids" because the urgency to have children at your age reminds me of my younger brother, who married his **first** wife for the express intent of having a son, LOL.
YIKES
I'd agree with taking a break, but I guess we all know that 90 days is like forever at your age and a "break" of that duration essentially means "goodbye". Unless this is what you really want, it might be a good idea to just take a few weeks off to catch your breath. In any case, I'd say you are pretty far apart on this children/marriage thing and if he sincerely wants all this now, you'll either have to be able to get with the program or be able to say "no, not now!".
He's not trying to say 'Lets get married now and have babies'...he just wants it in the future. I honestly have no problem getting married, but I never want children. If he had told me he wants to try to have a kid now, I'd tell him he's nuts.
Again, Thanks James
....EXACTLY what I was trying to say
