My Head is Spinning

[April Homich]

I agree. I've known from a very young age that I've never wanted children. People, especially women, always questioned me and looked at me like I was crazy. I think a lot of girls are raised to believe that getting married and having kids is the number one goal in life, but it's not for everyone. It's really not. I wish more people wouldn't do it just because they feel that it's what you're supposed to do. I'm 36 now and still 100% sure that I never want a kid.

 

[radera5]

I am sorry to hear that

 

[AbsoluteApril]

I am sorry to hear that

 

[Katie.Shinkle]

Ok, I'll try to explain everything and reply to everyone once I'm at a computer but...

We talked yesterday, through text while I was working, which pissed him off (which I understand) and we broke up. He got home at 8:30 this morning from work and we sat down and really talked. Short story, we are back together and trying to work through all of our problems, and he says he doesn't care if we never have kids. I'll try to explain everything later because, well, we found one of my root problems and its just so obvious to me now and its something I may have to get professional help to fix it, since I havent been able to do so on my own. I've got some sort of an anxiety issue.

Thanks everyone, will explain more later!

 

[SirenSanJose]

Ok, I'll try to explain everything and reply to everyone once I'm at a computer but...

We talked yesterday, through text while I was working, which pissed him off (which I understand) and we broke up. He got home at 8:30 this morning from work and we sat down and really talked. Short story, we are back together and trying to work through all of our problems, and he says he doesn't care if we never have kids. I'll try to explain everything later because, well, we found one of my root problems and its just so obvious to me now and its something I may have to get professional help to fix it, since I havent been able to do so on my own. I've got some sort of an anxiety issue.

Thanks everyone, will explain more later!

Best of luck, hon. You know that we're all rooting for you, right?

Also, dang it, when I said you were my evil twin, I didn't mean you REALLY had to be my twin, right? You didn't have to develop an anxiety disorder just to "twin" me!*

*I say this light-heartedly because I am so sorry to hear it. I've struggled with anxiety my entire life, and it's rough. I'm so sorry you're realizing you've got the same issue to deal with.

 

[Katie.Shinkle]

Best of luck, hon. You know that we're all rooting for you, right?

Also, dang it, when I said you were my evil twin, I didn't mean you REALLY had to be my twin, right? You didn't have to develop an anxiety disorder just to "twin" me!*

*I say this light-heartedly because I am so sorry to hear it. I've struggled with anxiety my entire life, and it's rough. I'm so sorry you're realizing you've got the same issue to deal with.

LOL Thanks Diana aka my 'good' twin..lmao! Don't worry, I never took it as being rude or anything, had me laughing! *hugs*

Alright, I'm going to try to explain everything that happened now...

Saturday afternoon I texted Justin asking him if he wanted kids, and I wanted a yes or no answer. He kept saying he doesn't care if we never have kids, that he's just open minded about having them in 5-10 years or so. Then, it went to we have nothing in common. At which point he said that I wasn't opening up to anything we tried to do, and I just wanted to do the animal things. Which is true...I'm obsessed. I didn't think that was a bad thing. Eventually he said that maybe it's best that we separate, and that we would talk about arrangements after he got off work.

He got home about 8:30 am Sunday morning (usually home at around 4 am, but his back car window was broken into at the club, his night stick was stolen, and there were shots fired there, so he was busy). We got in the car and drove to get some cigarettes, talking about who's getting what, how we are going to do it, etc. When we got home we sat on the couch, and then actually started talking about the problems.

We came to the conclusion that the kid thing wasn't our big problem, he didn't care if we had them, I don't want them (which I do admit CAN change, but not saying that it WILL). We then got to the 'things in common' talk...

About 2 weeks ago I went to a bar with him, which is something he enjoys to do. It was the first one I've been to, it was dark, it was loud, and I was nervous. I wasn't necessarily scared something was going to happen, but my body went into 'anxious mode'. I was shaky, trying to pay attention to every little detail, etc. The same thing happens when in ANY situation dealing with people I don't know, places I don't know, etc. Working security has helped me a lot to deal with confrontations, but I still feel anxious.

When I was younger I had anxiety attacks, I thought I had it under control now though because I could control the attacks. What we think is I'm still having the anxiety issues, just not in the form of hyperventilating and such. I get chest pains, I get shaky, and I get nervous, easily. It's hard for me to communicate because of it, when I get frustrated with the conversation, or if I'm having trouble voicing my side, I explode. I cry, and I can't control it, and I HATE it. I'm not one of those touchy girls that cries over every little thing, and when that happens, it bugs the hell out of me. I can't talk when it happens, and I can't make it stop, so communicating is incredibly difficult.

We are going to be looking into someone I can talk to, to see if I can get help. I hate taking medicine, but I'm thinking it might come down to that, just to help me control it, and for me to be more comfortable in every day situations.

We also talked about some of his problems. He's constantly planning for the future, which is great, but it is every single day that he's wanting to talk about it and it drives me crazy. He gets wrapped up into work as well, and doesn't spend much time with me.

We decided to try to work through these problems. He's going to start spending more time with me, and less time worrying about 10 years from now, and I'm going to get help for my anxiety issues so it will be easier for me to feel comfortable in new places/around new people, and to help me communicate. We're hoping we can get through all this.

Thanks for all the advice and support everyone. I really appreciate it. Now I've got to get through this issue I have, and I want to fix it.

 

[lauraleellbp]

Best of luck to you, Katie.

Figuring out relationships is tough- and it never, ever ends. Sometimes it's better and easier than others, but relationships are always evolving. So my advice is to leave yourself room to evolve and change your mind down the road if you want to.

That being said- I've never wanted kids, myself, which turned out to be a blessing since as of a few months ago I now physically will never be able to have kids of my own. But my hubby and I are both on the same page that if we ever DO decide we want kids (he thought he wanted kids "eventually" when we first got married, but now, 11 years later, there's still never been a time when we wanted any...) adoption is definitely a solid option for us. IF we ever decide we want to...

Someone who loves and supports you unconditionally is a wonderful thing, and from what you've posted so far about your current guy he does sound like he's trying very hard to do that. "Having things in common" is something that people can easily get too wrapped up in- as interests and hobbies often change over time. IMO an ability for two people to communicate on an honest and vulnerable level and a desire to spend time together doing whatever- ANYTHING- is more important than having some checklist and matching up percentages of "things in common" to determine whether or not you're "compatible" with someone. Sometimes opposites really can balance each other out- though speaking from experience, that can also make a relationship pretty challenging to keep on track over the long haul.

I'm glad you're willing to go get help working through personal stuff- that's hard and takes courage.

You're a smart cookie, Katie, and you'll land on your feet whatever decisions you make.

 

[radera5]

LOL Thanks Diana aka my 'good' twin..lmao! Don't worry, I never took it as being rude or anything, had me laughing! *hugs*

Alright, I'm going to try to explain everything that happened now...

Saturday afternoon I texted Justin asking him if he wanted kids, and I wanted a yes or no answer. He kept saying he doesn't care if we never have kids, that he's just open minded about having them in 5-10 years or so. Then, it went to we have nothing in common. At which point he said that I wasn't opening up to anything we tried to do, and I just wanted to do the animal things. Which is true...I'm obsessed. I didn't think that was a bad thing. Eventually he said that maybe it's best that we separate, and that we would talk about arrangements after he got off work.

He got home about 8:30 am Sunday morning (usually home at around 4 am, but his back car window was broken into at the club, his night stick was stolen, and there were shots fired there, so he was busy). We got in the car and drove to get some cigarettes, talking about who's getting what, how we are going to do it, etc. When we got home we sat on the couch, and then actually started talking about the problems.

We came to the conclusion that the kid thing wasn't our big problem, he didn't care if we had them, I don't want them (which I do admit CAN change, but not saying that it WILL). We then got to the 'things in common' talk...

About 2 weeks ago I went to a bar with him, which is something he enjoys to do. It was the first one I've been to, it was dark, it was loud, and I was nervous. I wasn't necessarily scared something was going to happen, but my body went into 'anxious mode'. I was shaky, trying to pay attention to every little detail, etc. The same thing happens when in ANY situation dealing with people I don't know, places I don't know, etc. Working security has helped me a lot to deal with confrontations, but I still feel anxious.

When I was younger I had anxiety attacks, I thought I had it under control now though because I could control the attacks. What we think is I'm still having the anxiety issues, just not in the form of hyperventilating and such. I get chest pains, I get shaky, and I get nervous, easily. It's hard for me to communicate because of it, when I get frustrated with the conversation, or if I'm having trouble voicing my side, I explode. I cry, and I can't control it, and I HATE it. I'm not one of those touchy girls that cries over every little thing, and when that happens, it bugs the hell out of me. I can't talk when it happens, and I can't make it stop, so communicating is incredibly difficult.

We are going to be looking into someone I can talk to, to see if I can get help. I hate taking medicine, but I'm thinking it might come down to that, just to help me control it, and for me to be more comfortable in every day situations.

We also talked about some of his problems. He's constantly planning for the future, which is great, but it is every single day that he's wanting to talk about it and it drives me crazy. He gets wrapped up into work as well, and doesn't spend much time with me.

We decided to try to work through these problems. He's going to start spending more time with me, and less time worrying about 10 years from now, and I'm going to get help for my anxiety issues so it will be easier for me to feel comfortable in new places/around new people, and to help me communicate. We're hoping we can get through all this.

Thanks for all the advice and support everyone. I really appreciate it. Now I've got to get through this issue I have, and I want to fix it.

So glad to hear things are on track for you. Also very happy to see what you said there.....that is honestly all I was trying to say.....anything is possible right?

 

[Katie.Shinkle]

Best of luck to you, Katie.

Figuring out relationships is tough- and it never, ever ends. Sometimes it's better and easier than others, but relationships are always evolving. So my advice is to leave yourself room to evolve and change your mind down the road if you want to.

That being said- I've never wanted kids, myself, which turned out to be a blessing since as of a few months ago I now physically will never be able to have kids of my own. But my hubby and I are both on the same page that if we ever DO decide we want kids (he thought he wanted kids "eventually" when we first got married, but now, 11 years later, there's still never been a time when we wanted any...) adoption is definitely a solid option for us. IF we ever decide we want to...

Someone who loves and supports you unconditionally is a wonderful thing, and from what you've posted so far about your current guy he does sound like he's trying very hard to do that. "Having things in common" is something that people can easily get too wrapped up in- as interests and hobbies often change over time. IMO an ability for two people to communicate on an honest and vulnerable level and a desire to spend time together doing whatever- ANYTHING- is more important than having some checklist and matching up percentages of "things in common" to determine whether or not you're "compatible" with someone. Sometimes opposites really can balance each other out- though speaking from experience, that can also make a relationship pretty challenging to keep on track over the long haul.

I'm glad you're willing to go get help working through personal stuff- that's hard and takes courage.

You're a smart cookie, Katie, and you'll land on your feet whatever decisions you make.

Thanks Laura We are on a 'quest' to find things to do together ('in common'), but when we first got together, the differences were what we liked, but now it's just hard to enjoy each other's company with nothing to do. Hopefully we find something, or that I can warm up to things we've already tried.

So glad to hear things are on track for you. Also very happy to see what you said there.....that is honestly all I was trying to say.....anything is possible right?

Thanks. Yes, anything is possible, and I've always said I may have a change of heart one day, but as of right now, I'm pretty sure I won't. If in 5-10 years I haven't changed, Justin and I will figure it out from there.

 

[SamanthaJane13]

Ok, I'll try to explain everything and reply to everyone once I'm at a computer but...

We talked yesterday, through text while I was working, which pissed him off (which I understand) and we broke up. He got home at 8:30 this morning from work and we sat down and really talked. Short story, we are back together and trying to work through all of our problems, and he says he doesn't care if we never have kids. I'll try to explain everything later because, well, we found one of my root problems and its just so obvious to me now and its something I may have to get professional help to fix it, since I havent been able to do so on my own. I've got some sort of an anxiety issue.

Thanks everyone, will explain more later!

Awww, sweetie!!

Remember-there's a REASON that you have the anxiety disorder. They just don't come on themselves, from nothing.

Work with whomever you see. They can help you find the root to it.

And it doesn't mean that there's anything WRONG with you...like you're nuts or something. And you aren't a BAD person. Just "imbalanced"...chemically.

Most of the time it's a combination of a traumatic event and a chemical imbalance that makes you feel so "freaked out" about it. Your body puts out too much nor not enough of some chemical when you have a reaction to a triggering event.

I know how it works.

I have a panic/anxiety disorder, too.

 

[Katie.Shinkle]

Awww, sweetie!!

Remember-there's a REASON that you have the anxiety disorder. They just don't come on themselves, from nothing.

Work with whomever you see. They can help you find the root to it.

And it doesn't mean that there's anything WRONG with you...like you're nuts or something. And you aren't a BAD person. Just "imbalanced"...chemically.

Most of the time it's a combination of a traumatic event and a chemical imbalance that makes you feel so "freaked out" about it. Your body puts out too much nor not enough of some chemical when you have a reaction to a triggering event.

I know how it works.

I have a panic/anxiety disorder, too.

Thanks Momma Donna Yeah, I'm not sure how comfortable I feel about finding a psychiatrist and talking with him/her, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.

 

[SamanthaJane13]

As far as therapy goes, you'll most likely see a counselor-a case-worker who will talk to you from session to session.

Most likely a female.

Think of her as a aunt of sorts, who you can just DUMP you pain, fear and anxiety on.

It's not about laying on a couch and telling them that you hate your mother, love your father, have sex with goats, or any of that crap you see on TV.

You talk, and she listens. She may ask questions to help her pin-point the issues.

The only time you'll probably see a psychiatrist is if/when they prescribe meds.

Don't fear the meds, but don't disrespect them, either.

They can help you over the hump...but the can have side-effects.

When you get a handle on why you're the way you are, they can be tapered off...also can be reduced if you have side-effects.

They will help you sleep better and make you feel less anxious during the day and in situations that make you feel uncomfortable.

I'm med-free for over 10 years now, and if I have an anxiety attack or just feel icky, I know how to deal with it.

One BIG part is allowing yourself to FEEL the way you feel, but also to understand WHY you feel that way.

Don't fear the feelings. They're there to protect you!!

 

[Katie.Shinkle]

As far as therapy goes, you'll most likely see a counselor-a case-worker who will talk to you from session to session.

Most likely a female.

Think of her as a aunt of sorts, who you can just DUMP you pain, fear and anxiety on.

It's not about laying on a couch and telling them that you hate your mother, love your father, have sex with goats, or any of that crap you see on TV.

You talk, and she listens. She may ask questions to help her pin-point the issues.

The only time you'll probably see a psychiatrist is if/when they prescribe meds.

Don't fear the meds, but don't disrespect them, either.

They can help you over the hump...but the can have side-effects.

When you get a handle on why you're the way you are, they can be tapered off...also can be reduced if you have side-effects.

They will help you sleep better and make you feel less anxious during the day and in situations that make you feel uncomfortable.

I'm med-free for over 10 years now, and if I have an anxiety attack or just feel icky, I know how to deal with it.

One BIG part is allowing yourself to FEEL the way you feel, but also to understand WHY you feel that way.

Don't fear the feelings. They're there to protect you!!

Thanks Doesn't sound too scary haha! Just brings me back to when I had to go to Guidance Group sessions in school because I had written a suicide letter (yup...I was one depressed kid back then, and still am today every so often, but now know that suicide or causing harm to myself is not the answer). That was never fun, but then again, it was a GROUP, several other kids from my classes there, some I knew pretty well.

 

[SamanthaJane13]

Just remember-there's not gonna be anyone there but you and the counselor-and maybe BF if you invite him in.

Nobody is gonna know what you say...or how you feel.

So it's definitely NOT like a group counseling session.

 

[Helenthereef]

I'm flying by and haven't read all the posts (obvisouly people have really gone to a lot of trouble to give very good advice)..

I want to add a very simple, brutal truth that I told my father when he informed me that I'd change my mind about not wanting kids when I met the right man..

If he wants kids he's not the right man.

I decided at 15. Now 54, no regrets. You can't paste on a mothering urge.

 

[SamanthaJane13]

I'm flying by and haven't read all the posts (obvisouly people have really gone to a lot of trouble to give very good advice)..

I want to add a very simple, brutal truth that I told my father when he informed me that I'd change my mind about not wanting kids when I met the right man..

If he wants kids he's not the right man.

I decided at 15. Now 54, no regrets. You can't paste on a mothering urge.

EXACTLY!!

Casey Anthony didn't want her child-even during the pregnancy. Her mother shamed her into keeping Caylee. Now, she's dead...by Casey's hand...even though the jury dropped the ball for money deals.