So...what to do when you're told "If you breed snakes this season, I'm leaving you?"

[snakechaarmer]

I'd be Craig's List-ing the toys you bought him selling his Hoggies and Leos, and telling him not to let the door hit him in the ass when he leaves.

You were up front with him when you started seeing him, and he's done little to assist with the budget, so he doesn't get to tell you how to spend your money.

He isn't even carrying his own weight!!

Tell him to get out and grow a pair.

But..but...but..I love the hoggies If he tries to leave and take Franz (male het albino hog), I'm going to kick him. He's touched him like 3 times in the past 2 years.

 

[SamanthaJane13]

But..but...but..I love the hoggies If he tries to leave and take Franz (male het albino hog), I'm going to kick him. He's touched him like 3 times in the past 2 years.

Then keep the hoggies and sell the Leos and all the rest of the stuff you got him-then kick his free-loading ass to the curb.

You don't need a full grown man around who acts like a child and expects you to support him.

 

[deborahbroadus]

Then keep the hoggies and sell the Leos and all the rest of the stuff you got him-then kick his free-loading ass to the curb.

You don't need a full grown man around who acts like a child and expects you to support him.

My boyfriend works as a kennel tech at a local vet hospital, and that helps with the vet discount for the cats/dogs/etc, but he makes very little money and I understand that. That being so, he pays for electricity and phone bills, and helps with horse feed and groceries when possible.

I don't think he expects her to support him. The way I read the post, he does make money even if it's a little and helps her out PLUS does work with the animals.

It may be with his own needs becoming so much more immediate, that he's feeling the pinch of helping her out.

I do not agree with what he said, and he would definitely be gone if he was with me (been there done that...but the man was complaining about how much TIME I spent with the animals) but apparently, he's bringing SOMETHING in that helps out?

 

[snakechaarmer]

I don't think he expects her to support him. The way I read the post, he does make money even if it's a little and helps her out PLUS does work with the animals.

It may be with his own needs becoming so much more immediate, that he's feeling the pinch of helping her out.

I do not agree with what he said, and he would definitely be gone if he was with me (been there done that...but the man was complaining about how much TIME I spent with the animals) but apparently, he's bringing SOMETHING in that helps out?

As I said before, he pays for a few of the bills: electricity, phone/internet, trash, and sometimes horse feed and some groceries. That's pretty much all he's able to pay. And I understand that, because he doesn't make as much as me.

However, the job he has now is a 29 mile one way trip. It's a vet hospital that has promised him for a year that he would be promoted to full "vet tech" status, so he could have a raise and a better schedule. Every time they re-do their schedule, he asks about it, and they don't do it. They are severely under-staffed and they keep hiring more techs instead of promoting him.

So now, from August - December, because they won't hire more kennel tech people, he is literally working every other weekend, 16 days in a row, for like $8 an hour. He works M-F and every other weekend, 4 days out of the week he is literally there sunup to past sundown because he has a split shift. 7am-11am, then 4pm-6pm. Most days he's there he doesn't even work a full 8 hours.

So that being said, he does work a lot. But he won't stand up for himself to his manager about the schedule thing, he wont go back to school, and he won't go try and find a better job with better hours.

I do most of the work at home by myself, and as I said before, I literally live out in the middle of nowhere and If I'm not at work I'm usually alone. He does help when he can with the animals, but most of the time he is gone.

 

[charleshanklin]

This thread just makes me understand woman even less. I just don't understand it.

 

[Lucille]

So that being said, he does work a lot. But he won't stand up for himself to his manager about the schedule thing, he wont go back to school, and he won't go try and find a better job with better hours.

I do most of the work at home by myself.

Right now a LOT of people are overworked. They do not want to complain because the alternative is unemployment.

Maybe you two would be better off by yourselves. If you can't afford your place by yourself, maybe you could lease it out.

The more I hear, the more I think BOTH of you are using the other person for convenience. You are frustrated by lack of help and economic pressures. He is frustrated by long hours, lack of promotion, and economic pressures.

At first reading I was thinking he was giving you an ultimatum. Now I see that he is not a bad guy, that there are stresses and shortcomings on both sides and not enough communication. Why don't you print out this thread and read it with him, perhaps both of you will be able to see each others point of view better.

 

[snakechaarmer]

Right now a LOT of people are overworked. They do not want to complain because the alternative is unemployment.

Maybe you two would be better off by yourselves. If you can't afford your place by yourself, maybe you could lease it out.

The more I hear, the more I think BOTH of you are using the other person for convenience. You are frustrated by lack of help and economic pressures. He is frustrated by long hours, lack of promotion, and economic pressures.

At first reading I was thinking he was giving you an ultimatum. Now I see that he is not a bad guy, that there are stresses and shortcomings on both sides and not enough communication. Why don't you print out this thread and read it with him, perhaps both of you will be able to see each others point of view better.

I agree with you there, that a lot of people are overworked and he does have frustrations on his end - my point is with his job, he doesn't do anything to fix it or make it better.

I'm not frustrated by lack of help, I'm just frustrated because I'm alone a lot. i don't mind working by myself. It sucks, because the animals I don't really consider "work" and I wish I could be sharing the time with him, someone I love.

However, he actually DID give me an ultimatum. I flat out asked him "Are you breaking up with me because of the snakes?" And he replied "If you choose to ignore my feelings and breed them this year anyway, then yes".

He hasn't spoken to me since 3pmish on Friday. He is frustrated about his car, and about the dentist/doctor crap. I can't do anything about those issues, and he is trying to I guess pretend that I can. We aren't married. He's not on my insurance, and even without snakes I couldn't afford to buy him a car. Honestly, the true part is he couldn't be living at all like he is now without my helping him. Maybe I have "enabled him" a little bit a long the way, and that is my fault - but I never dreamed that after 2 years he'd do a complete 180 and try and take the small happinesses that I have away from me and attempt to make me choose.

 

[snakechaarmer]

This thread just makes me understand woman even less. I just don't understand it.

What don't you understand? I'm sorry to be confusing.

 

[Lucille]

I.

However, he actually DID give me an ultimatum. I flat out asked him "Are you breaking up with me because of the snakes?" And he replied "If you choose to ignore my feelings and breed them this year anyway, then yes".

You are not seeing that there is much more there than the snakes. And I would love to hear his side of all this.

You are doing a lot of explaining and defending and spending a lot of time with us. But it sounds like the situation there had deteriorated to the point where you need to make some choices regardless of perceived fault.

He seems to be anxious about money and in this economic climate that is not too strange. Y'all need more money than you are bringing in, but that doesn't mean that there is fault here. Maybe you should look at your priorities and make some choices.

 

[snakechaarmer]

You are not seeing that there is much more there than the snakes. And I would love to hear his side of all this.

You are doing a lot of explaining and defending and spending a lot of time with us. But it sounds like the situation there had deteriorated to the point where you need to make some choices regardless of perceived fault.

He seems to be anxious about money and in this economic climate that is not too strange. Y'all need more money than you are bringing in, but that doesn't mean that there is fault here. Maybe you should look at your priorities and make some choices.

I'm not going to re-prioritize my life for someone who has no intentions of real commitment anywhere in the near future, and expects me to change parts of my life and personality on a whim after living peacably for 2 years just because he needs a new car.

If he'd speak, I'd be happy to try to explain where he's coming from and why he's freaking out all of the sudden, but he isn't. So I guess ultimately, it's all speculation.


Thanks for your input, and I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I chose to "spend time here" because I thought maybe I'd find some people who could relate to the situation? If not, then I apologize.

 

[deborahbroadus]

I'm not going to re-prioritize my life for someone who has no intentions of real commitment anywhere in the near future, and expects me to change parts of my life and personality on a whim after living peacably for 2 years just because he needs a new car.

If he'd speak, I'd be happy to try to explain where he's coming from and why he's freaking out all of the sudden, but he isn't. So I guess ultimately, it's all speculation.


Thanks for your input, and I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I chose to "spend time here" because I thought maybe I'd find some people who could relate to the situation? If not, then I apologize.

We can all relate. However, at the same time, we try to be fair. The man has been helping you for two years..and that can't be negated. Perhaps he needs a new car to get back and forth to work? How is he getting to work?

He's been paying the bills that you assigned to him? You also knew that he had little money and your eyes were open before going into the situation.

He seems like he's doing what he can and now sees the need to make some life changes or else he will forever be dependent on you?

I don't get the whole "if you breed animals....I am leaving" because of course breeding them would bring in more money...that's the part I don't understand about the situation.

 

[Southern Wolf]

So that being said, he does work a lot. But he won't stand up for himself to his manager about the schedule thing, he wont go back to school, and he won't go try and find a better job with better hours.

Thats because your his gravy train. Why should he have to try to improve himself when you will support him. Sure... I could quit my job and go find something that I enjoy doing that will pay me a little $$ but I wouldnt be able to support myslef. Thus I do a job that I hate. Its called responsiblilty and being an Adult. He hasn't grasped that yet.

I mean no disrespect with this next statement... I promise **Raises right hand**

Do you really need a man child in your life? I know you care for him, but his unwillingness to help improve the household situation seems like he is just using you for a free ride. Your not responsible for his teeth.... he is! Your not responsible for his car... he is!

What would happen if you kicked his free loading ass out. He would then see how much you really did.... and he could go live with his folks if he didnt want to improve himself.

I understand your financial situation... there for a while I had 2 roomies to help me make ends meet. I went from bringing in 36k a year to 20k a year. That about killed me.... but in time I did make it thru.

 

[snakechaarmer]

We can all relate. However, at the same time, we try to be fair. The man has been helping you for two years..and that can't be negated. Perhaps he needs a new car to get back and forth to work? How is he getting to work?

He's been paying the bills that you assigned to him? You also knew that he had little money and your eyes were open before going into the situation.

He seems like he's doing what he can and now sees the need to make some life changes or else he will forever be dependent on you?

I don't get the whole "if you breed animals....I am leaving" because of course breeding them would bring in more money...that's the part I don't understand about the situation.

He does have a car that is still working to get back and forth to work. It just needs repairs and it's too old to repair so the general consensus is to get a new one. Everyone has told him Go find a working, decent car for 3-5k and go to the community credit union and get a loan. He just won't. I don't know why.

You're right, the fact he's been here and been supportive for 2 years can't be negated, but all of the sudden asking me to change my life around and stop plans I've had for years before I even knew him is extremely confusing, and rude, and shocking. It's not about the money he is or isn't bringing in, as long as he pays the bills he's chosen to be responsible for. However for him to say he is suffering when he is not and ask me to give up my animals is just crazy?

It's like I said - if neither of us had a car, if I was losing my home, etc etc - the situation would be different. But none of those things are happening. So I do not understand his logic. The only examples he can give me is HIS car and HIS dental work - and I'm not trying to be abrasive or rude but his parents should have helped him with his teeth. Just because we've been dating for 2 years doesn't mean I'm responsible for his teeth? And I should sacrifice myself and my happinesses for his teeth? I am confused.

As far as breeding, I think he is worried because some stuff has been taking awhile to sell? And I think he is afraid that my snake-feeding bill will multiply astronomically - which doesn't make sense either, because I'm breeding my own feeders now. I just don't know where he is coming from.

 

[Southern Wolf]

I'm not frustrated by lack of help, I'm just frustrated because I'm alone a lot. i don't mind working by myself. It sucks, because the animals I don't really consider "work" and I wish I could be sharing the time with him, someone I love.

I've been sayin this for years.... I wish you the best because Im still trying to find my snake lady.

However, he actually DID give me an ultimatum. I flat out asked him "Are you breaking up with me because of the snakes?" And he replied "If you choose to ignore my feelings and breed them this year anyway, then yes".

Tell him to take a hike.... if he really loved you.. he would not give you that ultimatum. My last GF hates snakes with a passion... but never once did she say its the snake or me. She understood my passion for them and she accepted that. I never had any help with them, but at least she understood.

 

[snakechaarmer]

Thats because your his gravy train. Why should he have to try to improve himself when you will support him. Sure... I could quit my job and go find something that I enjoy doing that will pay me a little $$ but I wouldnt be able to support myslef. Thus I do a job that I hate. Its called responsiblilty and being an Adult. He hasn't grasped that yet.

I mean no disrespect with this next statement... I promise **Raises right hand**

Do you really need a man child in your life? I know you care for him, but his unwillingness to help improve the household situation seems like he is just using you for a free ride. Your not responsible for his teeth.... he is! Your not responsible for his car... he is!

What would happen if you kicked his free loading ass out. He would then see how much you really did.... and he could go live with his folks if he didnt want to improve himself.

I understand your financial situation... there for a while I had 2 roomies to help me make ends meet. I went from bringing in 36k a year to 20k a year. That about killed me.... but in time I did make it thru.

This. Very much this, about the being an adult. We've had the conversation before, SO MANY TIMES, about how like maybe 5% of the population of the universe is actually doing their dream job. I've found that most people find a job that they like, that they can tolerate, that pays their bills - and then they do the things they love as their hobby. I don't want to be stuck in a lab all day, I'd rather be training horses. But that's life. He just doesn't get it.

I've been advertising for roommates for EVER all over the place. So far, no luck. If I kicked him out, I have no idea where he'd go. His parents and family are in Texas and there is no way he could support himself on his own.

 

[Southern Wolf]

This. Very much this, about the being an adult. We've had the conversation before, SO MANY TIMES, about how like maybe 5% of the population of the universe is actually doing their dream job. I've found that most people find a job that they like, that they can tolerate, that pays their bills - and then they do the things they love as their hobby. I don't want to be stuck in a lab all day, I'd rather be training horses. But that's life. He just doesn't get it.

I work with the scum of society... and I hate it with a passion. It is slowly changing me and my perspectives of people. I would love to find something else but right now.. I cant afford the pay cut. I do what needs to be done to support myself. I assume just like you and the lab work.

I've been advertising for roommates for EVER all over the place. So far, no luck. If I kicked him out, I have no idea where he'd go. His parents and family are in Texas and there is no way he could support himself on his own.

My roomies were actual friends of mine. They were in a financial bind and I made them an offer they couldnt refuse. I basically cut their expenses in half when they moved in. It was a win win situation. I have a 2023sq ft 3 bedroom house. What they were payin in rent help me keep my head above water until I could better myself. They kept me from going under. All I did was set a $$$ for rent.... all utilities were included. They helped with the grocery bill and we lived happy for a few years until we all were in some sort of financial shape to venture out on our own again.

One of my roomies used the opportunity to get out of debt. The money she was saving while living here went to destroy her debt.

I know you loved him.... you spent two years with him. BUT.... If you get to the point where you say... enough is enough then what happens to him is not your concern. That situation is going to be a tough one... and I honestly dont know how I would handle that.

 

[Mister Internet]

Sorry for being snarky, but I don't feel that people should make accusatory comments without fulling understanding the situation. If you had questions, you should ask instead of accuse and make assumptions about me?

I'm sorry you felt I was being accusatory simply because I didn't immediately agree with your assessment of the situation based on what you had chosen to share here. I assure you I wasn't, and I think, based on your reactions to people who were at first understanding and then were trying to get you to see two sides to this, that you were really only interested in affirmation, not our honest thoughts.

How much money to you *actually* makes from breeding projects? I know for 90% of the reptile "breeders" I know, it's basically a way to make their hobby/addiction a zero-sum game, but one would have to be incredible charitable to call it "profit" or "making money". I'm not saying that you don't make money at it, but let's say that your idea of making money off of something that takes so much of your time, and his idea of what your time together is worth don't add up... my guess would be that he sees a ton of time being spent on something that he sees as being minimally beneficial $$$-wise, and that, compounded with his own frustrations at working the job he has now are probably making his a little crazy, yes. The way to solve this is not necessarily by saying "I'm still breeding snakes, no matter what you think". It MAY be, but it might also NOT be... just think openly about it.

I will leave you to your desire to only have people respond who agree with you, but please don't discount the thoughts and experiences of those who don't automatically jump to your side of the situation... no one here seems to be an outright jerk for no reason, so everyone took time out of their day they could have used to do something else and tried to offer you a helpful perspective... that's got to count for something...

 

[deborahbroadus]

I work with the scum of society... and I hate it with a passion. It is slowly changing me and my perspectives of people. I would love to find something else but right now.. I cant afford the pay cut. I do what needs to be done to support myself. I assume just like you and the lab work.



My roomies were actual friends of mine. They were in a financial bind and I made them an offer they couldnt refuse. I basically cut their expenses in half when they moved in. It was a win win situation. I have a 2023sq ft 3 bedroom house. What they were payin in rent help me keep my head above water until I could better myself. They kept me from going under. All I did was set a $$$ for rent.... all utilities were included. They helped with the grocery bill and we lived happy for a few years until we all were in some sort of financial shape to venture out on our own again.

One of my roomies used the opportunity to get out of debt. The money she was saving while living here went to destroy her debt.

I know you loved him.... you spent two years with him. BUT.... If you get to the point where you say... enough is enough then what happens to him is not your concern. That situation is going to be a tough one... and I honestly dont know how I would handle that.

Since he has a car and job..... after he paid his share of the bills (he used the utilities while he was there) I would have his bags outside and tell him, "I understand what you are saying, and since I AM planning to breed this year...good luck with your life; bye-bye!" (I would have back up in case he decided to go ballistic...I don't play that. )

He can sleep in the car and wash in gas stations till his next paycheck and purchase a ticket for home as far as I was concerned.

 

[snakechaarmer]

I'm sorry you felt I was being accusatory simply because I didn't immediately agree with your assessment of the situation based on what you had chosen to share here. I assure you I wasn't, and I think, based on your reactions to people who were at first understanding and then were trying to get you to see two sides to this, that you were really only interested in affirmation, not our honest thoughts.

How much money to you *actually* makes from breeding projects? I know for 90% of the reptile "breeders" I know, it's basically a way to make their hobby/addiction a zero-sum game, but one would have to be incredible charitable to call it "profit" or "making money". I'm not saying that you don't make money at it, but let's say that your idea of making money off of something that takes so much of your time, and his idea of what your time together is worth don't add up... my guess would be that he sees a ton of time being spent on something that he sees as being minimally beneficial $$$-wise, and that, compounded with his own frustrations at working the job he has now are probably making his a little crazy, yes. The way to solve this is not necessarily by saying "I'm still breeding snakes, no matter what you think". It MAY be, but it might also NOT be... just think openly about it.

I will leave you to your desire to only have people respond who agree with you, but please don't discount the thoughts and experiences of those who don't automatically jump to your side of the situation... no one here seems to be an outright jerk for no reason, so everyone took time out of their day they could have used to do something else and tried to offer you a helpful perspective... that's got to count for something...

Wow. Way to still make assumptions about people, there. And if people didn't want to take time out of their day to read a thread on a forum, they didn't have to? A number of people brought a few interesting perspectives to think about, which is fantastic - which would be great to discuss IF commuication was, you know, existent.

Breeding reptiles isn't about money, to me. It's about something that makes me happy. If I make money along the way, then so be it. As far as I knew, he *used* to feel the same way.

 

[zn394]

Leigh, I'm really sorry to hear about this. You DO have friends here that happen to live fairly close and you do have our number.

For my public opinion on this, true loving partners accept each other completely just as they are. They do not try to change the other or force their opinions on them. I went through that with 2 past relationships and swore never again! It was 13 years of living on my own before I met the current "Angel" in my life. Now she has voiced her displeasure at the amount of fish I had accumulated, but she never once told me too get rid of them. Likewise, when out of a sound sleep I was awakened by "meow, meow" as she walked in the door from her late shift, all I said was "have you completley lost your mind?!" and went right back to sleep. Our psycho Dobe made the wisdom of adding a kitten to the collection questionable at best. But it's working and I love the little stinker.

Neither of us is perfect by any stretch, but we love each other, wholly accept each other and are 100% supportive of each other.

You know where to find me.