So...what to do when you're told "If you breed snakes this season, I'm leaving you?"

[PAVLOVK1025]

Hold on...

Allow me to be speak freely for a second, and please dont take offense...

Are you retarded? You work and he leeches off of you... the house is yours and youre gonna let him tell you anything?

Your first relationship ended because you are too invested in your animals, your second one ended cause of a guy that wanted more ass, and your third one needs to end because this guy is a loser, who has no right to tell you what to do. If he tells you hes gonna leave if you breed, show him the door.

 

[snakechaarmer]

Well, it seems like the situation has taken on a completely different tone.

I tried to speak to him last night, and he was, and is, absolutely adamant that I am lying and that he NEVER said any of the things he said on Friday, that i was making it all up and had no idea what i was talking about.

He claims that he wholeheartedly believes that breeding the snakes is a terrible idea, it shouldn't be done, "we" can't afford it, because he needs a new car, the dental work, and to go to the Dr. I still fail to comprehend this logic, as I already have the snakes I'll be breeding, and I raise my own feeders. So short of bedding aspen/newspaper, water, etc - I have no idea what he is freaking out about.

He then proceeded to say that If I agreed to take over all animal care costs, that "we" didn't have a problem anymore. That then he could afford his car, dental work, dr's appoint, etc. (Which, I will say here, on an $8/hr wage and with the thousands upon thousands of dollars all of this will cost, is a totally ridiculous assumption).

So in reality, he is only helping with groceries half the time, occasionally buying horse feed - He has a 75 gallon fish tank that he changes the filters on weekly, has to be medicated it seems like constantly, has 2 cats of his own, "3 snakes" of his own that he never touches, one of the dogs is supposedly "his", and he rides and enjoys one of the horses - How is this possibly fair? After combining "income" for 2 years and then he wanting to literally separate and split the common expenses again and not take financial responsibility for "his" animals, either?

Ultimately, the conversation didn't matter, because I told him we obviously had bigger problems to worry about if he was so stressed out about something that he was saying things and then forgetting he said them, to which he said that He wasn't stressed out about anything else, the animal care was the only thing. And I told him that it was pointless to talk to someone who was supposedly in love with you that kept calling you a liar.

So, I'm not sure what's going on at this point. I'm pretty frustrated. I made a call to a therapist and I'm going to see if by some chance she could set up an appointment tonight to be a mediator and drag him to the appointment. If not, there's no point in me being with somebody who doesn't believe what I say and continually calls me a liar, especially when he absolutely DID say the things that he said.

 

[snakechaarmer]

Hold on...

Allow me to be speak freely for a second, and please dont take offense...

Are you retarded? You work and he leeches off of you... the house is yours and youre gonna let him tell you anything?

Your first relationship ended because you are too invested in your animals, your second one ended cause of a guy that wanted more ass, and your third one needs to end because this guy is a loser, who has no right to tell you what to do. If he tells you hes gonna leave if you breed, show him the door.

I'm not offended. That's a relatively simple way to put it, and for the most part I agree with you - except I don't think he leeches off of me in the way that you are thinking. He does work, too.

 

[Southern Wolf]

So, I'm not sure what's going on at this point. I'm pretty frustrated. I made a call to a therapist and I'm going to see if by some chance she could set up an appointment tonight to be a mediator and drag him to the appointment. If not, there's no point in me being with somebody who doesn't believe what I say and continually calls me a liar, especially when he absolutely DID say the things that he said.

From a guys perspective... if he is already giving you ultimatums... this wont work. Chances are he will go in the defensive and you wont get anything from him even if he does go.

Something else that crossed my mind.... and I'd also like to hear what the others think on this as well.

He knows you and knows your passion for you animals... but yet he still gives you the.... if you breed snakes this year we are thru.

Is it possible he wants you to be the one to breakup the relationship... maybe he's too chicken to do it.... and he knows your still gonna breed. Maybe this is his way of putting the blame on you?

 

[snakechaarmer]

From a guys perspective... if he is already giving you ultimatums... this wont work. Chances are he will go in the defensive and you wont get anything from him even if he does go.

Something else that crossed my mind.... and I'd also like to hear what the others think on this as well.

He knows you and knows your passion for you animals... but yet he still gives you the.... if you breed snakes this year we are thru.

Is it possible he wants you to be the one to breakup the relationship... maybe he's too chicken to do it.... and he knows your still gonna breed. Maybe this is his way of putting the blame on you?

That's an excellent point, and you could be right. I honestly don't know, but one of the specific things out of his mouth last night were "You are picking the snakes over us! This is not my fault!"

 

[deborahbroadus]

That's an excellent point, and you could be right. I honestly don't know, but one of the specific things out of his mouth last night were "You are picking the snakes over us! This is not my fault!"

This is reminding me of an incident that happened between my son and his wife.

He stayed away for three days, and came home on the fourth. The first thing out of his mouth was, "If I didn't have to take out mama's trash, I wouldn't be here now."

Guess what she did? Followed him around crying and begging him to tell her how he felt about her.

Then she had the nerve to try and drag me in that crap, and I told her "He already told you how he felt. Either you accept it or you don't." Of course, she didn't accept it and he still screws around on her (they are no longer here...I don't like that kind of drama and I didn't raise him that way, but a whiny, needy woman who won't let go will bring out the worse in a man if he has tried the straightforward approach and it has not worked.) Eventually, they stop telling us how they feel, and start SHOWING us.

 

[snakechaarmer]

This is reminding me of an incident that happened between my son and his wife.

He stayed away for three days, and came home on the fourth. The first thing out of his mouth was, "If I didn't have to take out mama's trash, I wouldn't be here now."

Guess what she did? Followed him around crying and begging him to tell her how he felt about her.

Then she had the nerve to try and drag me in that crap, and I told her "He already told you how he felt. Either you accept it or you don't." Of course, she didn't accept it and he still screws around on her (they are no longer here...I don't like that kind of drama and I didn't raise him that way, but a whiny, needy woman who won't let go will bring out the worse in a man if he has tried the straightforward approach and it has not worked.) Eventually, they stop telling us how they feel, and start SHOWING us.

Maybe I'm a little slow on the uptake today, but I don't really understand your comparison? LoL..Sorry..It's the paint fumes.

 

[deborahbroadus]

He told you how he felt. "If you breed...." "I need to keep my money and you pay for everything..."

You are talking about "counseling." In other words, you may be in denial.

 

[Southern Wolf]

That's an excellent point, and you could be right. I honestly don't know, but one of the specific things out of his mouth last night were "You are picking the snakes over us! This is not my fault!"

This just goes to show that he is forcing your to choose.. and then will say its all your fault. Once again he is unwilling to accept resonsiblity for his actions (lack of trying to improve his situation or trying to improve his relationship)

If he is the type of person that is willing to throw this up in your face... do you really want that kind of relationship?

 

[Iguanachic]

In life the person who holds your heart needs to support you. They don't necessarily have to love what you choose to do but they have to respect you and support you. Not many people in this world will have your back, the person who shares your bed damn well better.

My other half is not an animal person. Yet my house if full of them. Does he take care of them daily? Hell no. BUT he is there when push comes to shove whether it be financially, emotionally, or whatever. He does not hold them over my head or use them as leverage to get what he wants.

And for the record he comes FAR before my animals and just a few inches below my children. His peace of mind and happiness matters deeply to me. Thankfully he'll never ask me to make that choice.

People don't have to be identical to have a lasting, healthy commitment to each other. Differences can be attractive and intriguing. Above all else though if you do not have respect, love, and support you don't have a relationship.

 

[zn394]

In life the person who holds your heart needs to support you. They don't necessarily have to love what you choose to do but they have to respect you and support you. Not many people in this world will have your back, the person who shares your bed damn well better.

My other half is not an animal person. Yet my house if full of them. Does he take care of them daily? Hell no. BUT he is there when push comes to shove whether it be financially, emotionally, or whatever. He does not hold them over my head or use them as leverage to get what he wants.

And for the record he comes FAR before my animals and just a few inches below my children. His peace of mind and happiness matters deeply to me. Thankfully he'll never ask me to make that choice.

People don't have to be identical to have a lasting, healthy commitment to each other. Differences can be attractive and intriguing. Above all else though if you do not have respect, love, and support you don't have a relationship.

This gave me goosebumps - probably the best response yet. I do believe that the situation your boyfriend has put you in is not something that would happen in a relationship as quoted above. Maybe this is a red flag that's telling you to wake up, that this may not be the best partner for you.

 

[brd7666]

I didn't read what everyone had to say. He knew what he was getting into before hand. It sounds to me like he is trying to get you to stop doing what you have always done. I would explain to him, that it is what it is. Like it or leave it. So what I am saying is, you are who you are, you do what you do, if he can't accept it, then he is not the one for you. It would be different if you started all of this after you got involved with him, but you were doing this long before he came along. Tell him to start packing.

 

[snakechaarmer]

Thanks for the valid points and suggestions, all.

We went to a counseling session last night and I'm fairly certain I'm more confused than i was before i went. He is contradicting himself as far as what he said/what he wants/etc..so...We have a few things to discuss, apparently, and I'm not sure where it will go from here but I'll keep all your words and advice and experience in mind.

Thanks.

 

[TailsWithScales]

Now I'm curious what was said in the counseling session to confuse you and alter your opinion on you and he's relationship.

Part of me also wonders if he's potentially manipulating the counselor so they see things his way?

I still say it sounds as though he's manipulating you to get what he want and attempt to get you to feel guilty and is doing the "oh poor baby me" act. Real men don't act like that!!!!

I may not have the best relationship with my boyfriend now but you can sure as hell bet if he said to me and treated me the way your boyfriend has you he'd be kicked out or I'd be out the door. Every relationship has it's issues but counseling or not being given the "do this and I leave" ultimatum is wrong on every level and a huge red flag. Regardless of what your counselor says. Unless of course things are as I said and he's lying to the therapist. And if he is that automatically makes what the therapist said null and void since their opinion is based off of fibs.

 

[snakechaarmer]

Just as an update -

Over the week after the counseling session, he spoke with his Mother. This was a good thing, I think, because he wasn't getting influenced only by the pre-teen giggling girls and single college guys at his workplace. We sat down and talked awhile, but it really made things worse and more confusing at first because he had gone from complaining about money to wanting x, y, and z, all involving lots of money.

He said in counseling and during our talk a few things that is what the therapist would have called "dumpster communication" - bringing up stuff dead and buried that we both should've forgotten about, basically bringing up all this random junk and throwing it in my face. He said he felt he was sacrificing things about himself which I thought were absolutely silly to consider part of your "self" - online gaming (because our internet out in the country isn't very good), smoking (because he couldn't afford it, neither could I, and It's nasty), Going to the movies every weekend ...etc etc. He mentioned a few other things that were really dumb in my opinion.

I told him that I felt it was silly to classify these things as "part of yourself" - and I told him that there was nothing I could do about the smoking/internet/etc - but that he needed to attempt to look at the entire picture instead of blaming me and the animals directly for what he perceived as problems. One of his complaints was going to the movies - Sure, I'd love to go, too - but his schedule doesn't allow for it usually. By the time he gets home it's close to 8:30 pm and it's a 45 minute, 40 mile one way drive to the nearest movie theatre. By the time you drive, eat, get tickets, etc - It's a $75+ outing.

However, I told him flatly that I was NOT giving up the snakes, horses, altering my breeding plans (Because it made no logical sense whatsoever), and that I did claim responsibility for picking a house so far out, the rest of the factors involved in his "issues" were really nothing I could control or any fault of mine. I told him that the money issues we were having were absolutely irrelevant if he was that unhappy here. So I told him to think about what it was he really wanted, and make a decision about his happiness and his goals before we even sat down and hashed out the money thing. He asked me to give him a few days and I did.

He said two days later that he decided he still wanted to be with me, but he wanted x,y, and z, mostly involving friends / outings / entertainment. I was still just as baffled because I reiterated the fact that all of this had started because he said me and my snakes were making him not able to get his teeth fixed, a car, etc - and now he wants all of this entertainment stuff? I talked to him a long while about the stuff he was demanding versus stuff I'd already done for him and tried to explain some LOGIC. He in the end ended up feeling really bad and said that I was right about almost all of it, and apologized for being so confusing and being so dumb and obsessing over stupid crap and treating me like he had. Since then he has renewed (though I'm sure temporary) interest in the snakes and other animals, so...

So - (sorry for the rambling) - I guess at this point, things are okay? I am honestly still not sure where things will go from here, but I do think we'll end up going to another counseling session.

Honestly, they say women are confusing?

 

[annmikeal]

Leigh, first of all, I went through the same thing at the end of September and I completely understand how you feel. It is so confusing having to pick what to do. I continued to do my thing, I was buying the snakes and trying to get the breeding stock in order. He had an issue with all the animals, I was a bad girlfriend and he was being neglected, the animals came first, blah, blah, blah. I told him that when he wanted to act like an adult and not throw a temper tantrum we could talk... Well, its been almost a month since then, I am still getting the snakes, still taking care of them before going and hanging out with him, but he decided that he should just deal with it and stick around. That for right now, he knows that he loves me and that he wants to be with me, so if this is who I am, he will have to learn to deal with it.

So, the advice that I can give you, is that you love him, and if he loves you, he will deal with the snakes. If you two split up, it is going to hurt, but eventually you will be fine, there will always be another guy who loves you for you. Its not like you are living with him and have kids. It is your house and no kids... You will come out on top of this situation

If you need me, let me know, I dont live too far away, much love, Ann

 

[snakechaarmer]

Leigh, first of all, I went through the same thing at the end of September and I completely understand how you feel. It is so confusing having to pick what to do. I continued to do my thing, I was buying the snakes and trying to get the breeding stock in order. He had an issue with all the animals, I was a bad girlfriend and he was being neglected, the animals came first, blah, blah, blah. I told him that when he wanted to act like an adult and not throw a temper tantrum we could talk... Well, its been almost a month since then, I am still getting the snakes, still taking care of them before going and hanging out with him, but he decided that he should just deal with it and stick around. That for right now, he knows that he loves me and that he wants to be with me, so if this is who I am, he will have to learn to deal with it.

So, the advice that I can give you, is that you love him, and if he loves you, he will deal with the snakes. If you two split up, it is going to hurt, but eventually you will be fine, there will always be another guy who loves you for you. Its not like you are living with him and have kids. It is your house and no kids... You will come out on top of this situation

If you need me, let me know, I dont live too far away, much love, Ann

Thanks very much for the kind words. I honestly appreciate it. Thanks for your input as well - maybe that is ultimately what it's about is just acceptance or not on both ends. :/

 

[psychoprimate84]

Sounds like you are having man problems too. My man tells me he loves me and wants to be with me, yet complains that I can not ride with him on his motorcycle. Yeah, I am a big girl but whatever is left of his seat after he is on it is TINY. I told him either get a bigger bike or another girlfriend. I told him I will be fine, I can find someone else that will love and appreciate me for me. Also said that if he really loved me, it would not be an issue. Its a real pain in the rear when he does not want to open up and most of the time resorts to lying instead of telling me his true feelings. I try to compromise but still I will catch him talking to other girls and denying me as his girlfriend. Grrrr!

 

[Laura Fopiano]

Hmmmmm, I normally don't post in this forum and I'm still not sure why I landed on this thread, that being said thank you very much for sharing your troubles. Reading this thread is actually helping me.

I have had it all and lost it all. I had the great house and what looked like the perfect marriage. Looks can be deceiving as I learned later. I was so busy with what I thought was what I wanted that I lost site of us.

I have been clean and sober for many, many years (that's how my ex husband and I met) I stopped attending as many meetings as I did to give more time to my collection and Southern California Herpetology Associaton, being the President had it's own responibilties.

While I was doing all of that, he was spending more time with his church, writing sermons, reading the bible, and so on, that we both drifted apart from each other. When my marriage collapsed I was devastated!

Not only did I loose my marriage, and my home, 6 months prior, I had to euthanize my entire collection and destroy all of my equipment. In less than a year I lost everything that I had.....

Fast forward 5 years.....I live in another state 2500 miles from what I had always known as home. I was talking to my cousin on the phone and beating myself up about how I could have changed things, been a better wife, better me, a better anything, yes I have those moments often as Bryon and I do not have the best living situation but we make due with what we have and have a kick ass reptile collection.

I received a note from my cousin that I thought I would share with you because life give me little glimmers when I least expect them. When i've prayed and prayed and don't think I will ever get the answers to let me know that things will be ok. This is the bulk of my note from her who I love dearly.

Hey Cuz, I just wanted to tell you how much I look up to you and admire you. I was thinking about the last time we talked on the phone and you compared yourself and your worldly possession with Julie's big house and fancy lifestyle. You are living out your life's purpose.

Ever since we were little kids you loved lizards and snakes. I really don't know anyone besides you that followed through with their childhood passions. I think most people, myself included sell out. We pick a job that will pay the bills and forget about things we lived for when we were kids.

I know in AA they say something like "does that person have what I want" meaning are they living their life in a way shows they have a fulfilling lifestyle and are staying clean and sober. You have what I want. It would nice to get up in the morning with that same enthusiasm I had when I was a kid.

Maybe you will consider being my sponsor.

Anyway, the main reason I am sending you a note is because I wanted you to know how cool I think it is that you are living a passionate meaningful life-breeding snakes-that is so cool. And I am totally amazed that you are able to stay clean and sober. Hope to hear from you soon. Love Sue

Now let me tell you how the tears fell after reading that, I'm not a looser that I prefer the company of animals over people, my passion means everything and sometimes it takes another person and another perceptive to read or hear that makes it all worth while.

 

[snakechaarmer]

Wow, that is a really, really touching story.

Thank you so much for sharing that, I think it's inspiring not just to me, but to others - it's so true that the animals keep my life from being boring and routine and mundane. They are always there no matter what. We can only hope to find that kind of dedication in a partner.

Thanks. <3