• In case most of you have not noticed, I made changes to the donation amounts as well as the durations for all of the paid membership levels. Things are winding down here, and this seems to be the most prudent way to deal with the "end of life" period of this site.

    Contributor level members - $10 per 30 days
    Sponsors - Eliminated
    Benefactor level members - $25 per 30 days
    Endowment level members - $50 per 30 days

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  • Responding to email notices you receive.
    **************************************************
    In short, DON'T! Email notices are to ONLY alert you of a reply to your private message or your ad on this site. Replying to the email just wastes your time as it goes NOWHERE, and probably pisses off the person you thought you replied to when they think you just ignored them. So instead of complaining to me about your messages not being replied to from this site via email, please READ that email notice that plainly states what you need to do in order to reply to who you are trying to converse with.

Connie (Mrs. WebSlave)

Well, there is a small silver lining in this HUGE cloud I have been living in lately. Lost weight from eating sparsely, and getting back into working outside in the yard. Down to 132.6 lbs now. Not feeling much like the decrepit old man I felt I was being transformed into by circumstances.
 

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Dude, the old ladies on the meat market are gonna chase you! I hope you're a fast runner.
 
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Not to worry. I am NOT going to date someone who looks like my grandmother or my Aunt Edna. :rofl:

To be honest, I have been checking out the internet dating sites, and to be blunt, there is slim pickings there.

But I am fully prepared to live the rest of my life alone, if it comes to that.

Connie would insist that I be HAPPY with someone new. Matter of fact, before she died, she said to me that she needs to find me a girl friend to be with me after she died. That is just like her. Always concerned and worried about my welfare even though she was in dire straights herself.
 
Ah, well. It was 2 years ago today that Connie got the diagnosis of stage 4 metastatic ovarian cancer.

Been working out on the property a lot clearing the underbrush and small trees to open up the woods some. Been using the wood chipper on the tractor to turn all those small trees, vines, and brush piles into little wood chips. Interestingly enough, while I was out there today I was carrying an armload of branches and roots I had cut off of some of the trees to the chipper when I moved to readjust the weight distribution. I suddenly felt a very sharp pain in my left chest. First thing that went through my mind was "well I guess my time here on Earth is done. About time..." I didn't expect that thought. But in any event, just turned out to be a sharp root jabbing me in the chest, so I am still here. :shrug01:

As for the internet dating stuff.... I am a complete flop at it. No closer to finding someone than I was when I started. Have yet to have any real offers to meet anyone in person. Not unless I want to send them money for airfare or gasoline. So it looks like that is a complete bust. Being 73 years old is certainly putting me behind the eight ball. That and I guess I just am not anyone's heart throb. Oh well..........
 
I went to doctors last week. Weight was 208 on a 6'3" frame. Doctor acted like I was 300 pounds. My best friend is female and if wife passed I would never get remarried but I'd be happy with my buddy going to movie or zoo and having lunches and dinners. I'm retiring in August. Planning to get a 2 or 3 day job at Ace Hardware or maybe mowing just a few small yards in neighborhood. I hope you get everything sorted in your new life Rich!
 
WebSlave said:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Not to worry. I am NOT going to date someone who looks like my grandmother or my Aunt Edna. :rofl:

To be honest, I have been checking out the internet dating sites, and to be blunt, there is slim pickings there.

But I am fully prepared to live the rest of my life alone, if it comes to that.
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Just to show you the semi local beauties that like me...... :ack2:

Am I being shallow by not looking for some inner beauty?
 

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Been 9 months now since Connie passed away.

Can't really say things are getting better, just different. Hard to explain in what way things feel different. Maybe it is that I feel that this is now becoming real and I am not expecting (hoping?) to awaken from this nightmare. This is the rest of my life.....
 
WebSlave said:
Been 9 months now since Connie passed away.

Can't really say things are getting better, just different. Hard to explain in what way things feel different. Maybe it is that I feel that this is now becoming real and I am not expecting (hoping?) to awaken from this Only speaking for myself, of course, it doesn't get better; you just learn how to live with the differences.
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WebSlave said:
Been 9 months now since Connie passed away.

Can't really say things are getting better, just different. Hard to explain in what way things feel different. Maybe it is that I feel that this is now becoming real and I am not expecting (hoping?) to awaken from this nightmare. This is the rest of my life.....
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Only speaking for myself, of course, things don't get better; you just learn how to live with the differences, and what your new life has become. I liken it to leaving the house, getting a few miles away, and getting that nagging feeling that something is wrong. Did I unplug the percolator? Check the animals? Did I grab my phone, purse, receipt or whatever documents I need?
Nothing earth-shattering, but just that mild anxiety. I think I live most of the time with a mild anxiety that something isn't right.
 
When Connie knew she was dying, she made me promise that I wouldn't do anything drastic for 3 months after she was gone. She said that she hoped that the pain I would feel from her memories would eventually change into happiness at the thought of her instead of sadness. This has not happened yet. If anything, it has gotten worse. But I told her I would not do anything for a year. I am really REALLY dreading that anniversary date of her dying.....
 
Well, passed the 11th month marker since Connie's death. Still kicking and some screaming.

Connie's sister Karen came over yesterday (Wednesday) and did the bulk of the work going through Connie's clothes and packing them up to take to Goodwill. Also were some items that Connie's niece and other sister, Debbie, were interested in. I helped out a little, but some things that I could see Connie wearing in my mind's eye view were rather unsettling to me. And I also discovered some pics of Connie that were taken when she was much younger, before I met her, and they were really hard to take. Then looking through some of her books to get rid of, I found a photo album containing pics taken when we had gotten married. I couldn't help but look at those photos wondering if she could have possibly thought of some day they would be looked at after she had died? But I guess that is really true about all photographs of yourself. They probably WILL out live you and some day someone will be looking at your pics after you are gone. Yeah, been a rather harsh couple of days.

What bothers me is that I feel like I am erasing Connie out of existence. Removing nearly all evidence that she ever even existed. That just doesn't seem to be fair. How would I feel about someone doing that to me after I die? Removing all traces of my life on this earth? Heck, I had those sorts of pangs to the brain when throwing all the records and many photographs of all the animals I worked with in my SerpenCo business. I felt like I was throwing much of my life into the trash can. Was a pretty rough ride taking all those clothes to the Goodwill and unloading them out of Connie's pickup truck. And then throwing much of her underwear into the garbage and taking that to the end of the driveway Thursday night. It just seems SOOO wrong.

So the anniversary of her death will be coming up soon. I will not be here at home for that day. I cannot be here that day. I cannot walk through the family room where her death bed was located when she died there. Not this year. Maybe never any November 11th. It would NOT be a good day for me here being alone. I wonder if I will wake up at 5:30 am on that day hearing her voice?
 
Well, I survived the one year marker after Connie's death. But I believe the only reason I did was because I was out of the country and spent 3 weeks with a woman I met online in Thailand. She asked me specifically to come to see her and be with her on that date. Yeah, I post on Facebook these days a bit. I can see the attraction. Personal interaction is a powerful draw. I can see where that is missing here, and the discussion forums really never got off the ground. So this site is mostly for classified transactions, and that personal interaction just never interested anyone.

But anyway, this woman I met is Thailand is proving to be a truly wonderful person. I can't say that she erases thoughts of Connie from my mind, however, as I don't believe anything will ever be able to do that. And neither would I want anything to. Being married to someone for 46 years puts them into your DNA for the rest of your life. But the overpowering sadness I would feel thinking of Connie has been greatly diminished. Not totally, of course, but enough that I no longer wonder if putting a gun to my head is in my future. Yeah, things were THAT bad.....

So I am on a path to a new life now. No telling where it will lead. Maybe I lucked out and found a true gem on a dating site on the internet. She is 67 years old, so within my age bracket where a large age gap won't realistically produce it's own set of problems. Her name is Pim. She practices yoga and is in incredible shape for her age. Very attractive in all aspects. And she appears to have been looking for the same things I am for the end time of my life. She treats me like I am the answer to her prayers. I have had some friends say that she is just looking for a better life. Well, so? I am too. Who wouldn't be at this age? Frankly, I feel incredibly lucky to have found her. I could do a whole lot worse, and maybe even not find anyone at all. Biggest drawback is that Pim speaks very little English, but so far we are getting by using translation apps on our phones, and that is working out pretty well. With all of the other positives she offers to my life, this is a very minor issue.

So here I am regretting that I gave away all of the Christmas ornaments last year. But honestly, last Christmas was so disheartening that I seriously doubted I would ever celebrate another Christmas, much less even be around to see that day. But Pim is Buddhist. Does that religion even recognize, much less celebrate that holiday?

But it is a really odd feeling. How do you feel lucky to find someone when it took the death of someone you loved dearly for that to take place? So many conflicting thoughts and feelings running through my heart and head.....
 
Well...... Friday UPS made a delivery and after the driver had unloaded the pallets I ordered, he called to me as I was walking away. He asked me how my wife was doing. Some guys at UPS apparently knew about her being sick and had asked him to ask about her. Talk about a punch to the gut. I wasn't prepared for that scab to be peeled off. Connie had no idea how many people really cared about her.

Yeah, been just over 13 months since she died.
 
So yesterday, May 11th, marked 18 months since Connie passed away. There are still things here in the house of hers that I haven't touched. I act like they would burn my hands to touch them. Odd things, like her wallet and her glasses. I have moved out all of her clothes and toiletries. That was tough enough. She has lots of antique glassware here that I believe she wanted to go to her sister and niece, but I think looking at those bare cabinets would be a whole lot worse than seeing them there reminding me of her. Yeah, some memories still hit me pretty hard.

Pim returned to Thailand in February and returned here first week of April. This time staying for 6 months. I am not sure how I would have been without her being with me these last several months. I got through Connie's birthday and our anniversary without falling apart. I think I am on the mend, but damn, it just doesn't seem fair. I look at the things we have done on our property, and it just doesn't seem fair that she is not here now to enjoy them. I guess sometimes I feel guilty that I am still alive and she is not.

I have been working HARD outside a lot, and am actually surprised I haven't had another heart attack. I think early on I was trying to have one. But that has changed to where I don't wish to have one, but neither am I slacking off any. What will be, will be.

I don't spend much time here, and I am sorry about that. I believe things are running smoothly enough with the help of the mods to where I really don't need to be here much any way. Members are here to buy and sell their stuff, and probably just as well I don't get involved with that anyway. I have long ago given up on the discussion forums ever amounting to anything here. Honestly, I have been spending much more time on Facebook, and I can see why people prefer that platform for more personal interactions with others online. Just another "so be it", I guess. It is what it is.

Maybe I will be able to enjoy life again. I really am trying......
 
Things like her wallet and glasses have traces of her. They echo your memories. Definitely keep those for all time. The glassware, when you find yourself ready, should go to where you believe she intended it to end up. That way you will have honored her wishes. It hurts to let go of those things, but it is a noble move and it is a testament to your enduring respect for Connie.

It does not seem fair because it truly is unfair. I believe survivor's guilt is a normal part of being a good human being who cared enough in love and whose heart is bewildered by loss.

It is good to stay active. Even to push yourself hard. Live the way you want to within your capabilities.
 
I am trying, but it is very difficult to open up my heart completely again. Deep down inside, I know both Pim and myself will die, and quite likely not at the same time. Again the agony of the coming watching her die or my having to watch her looking at me while I die. It is constantly in the back of my mind no matter how much I try to believe I am getting back to enjoying life again. Quite likely this has ruined my outlook about life. Death awaits us all. It was so easy not to think about that before Connie died.

And of course, it leads me to wonder what the hell is the purpose of it all. Is everything just one big cosmic coincidence? Some accident of chance that created life? Get out of bed. Eat. Shit. Do something to kill the time. Go to bed. Rinse and repeat every day till the end of your days. Or is there really a God and a purpose larger than we can understand? Is Connie REALLY gone from all existence now? I know I do not feel her presence at all. And I feel awful when I throw anything away that belonged to her. I feel like I am making efforts to erase all evidence of her even ever having existed at all. I feel like I really should take her ashes and disperse them. But how will I keep my sanity as I watch even that step of erasing all the physical being that she was? What if "she" is really locked up in that box till I release her?

Heck, I wonder if cremation was even the proper path to take concerning her remains. But she was adamant about wanting to be cremated, and I could never have stood in her way with her final request.

I am so thankful that I found Pim. She is truly a wonderful woman. I seriously doubt I would still be here otherwise. My heart would have no real good reason to keep on beating. But I can't help but wonder if I am short changing her with this cold hollow shell I have become.

Oh well. I am thankful I don't have dreams (nightmares?) about Connie and wake up screaming in the night. The memory images I have of her and what she went through are sometimes very hard to take when something brings them front and center in my mind. Things like sitting on the couch in the family room with Pim sitting at my side watching a movie and the image of Connie being in the hospital bed in the middle of that room and trying my damnedest not to cry.

Ah, coming up on the 3 year anniversary of my heart attack. I am truly astonished that the other shoe hasn't dropped yet.
 
So now I am coming up on the 3 year anniversary of Connie's death. 11/11/2023. Some days are bad, but on the other hand some days are truly awful. I seem to have some selective amnesia that will kick in sometimes to allow me to be happy to be alive and smile. But it is like waking up, knowing something is very wrong, but just can't put your finger on it quite yet. Walking around on my property there is a silence that is unnerving. Like I have lost the ability to hear a certain range of frequencies. Yet knowing they are there, but I just cannot here them any longer. Maybe it is the sound of someone else's footsteps walking with me. Perhaps it is the knowledge that there is now a voice I will never hear again.

I wish I could selectively erase some memories rattling around in my head. Not everything, of course, because I would be waking up wondering where Connie was today. But heck, my memory isn't as good as it used to be, so maybe I will be there whether I want to be or not eventually. Sometimes sitting in the family room where Connie's hospital bed was located I can't help but think of those days I was sleeping on one of the couches to be close to her. And honestly seems like many movies or TV series I watch for entertainment will have a spot that jabs a fork into my heart. When I get an injury to my skin I seem to heal over in about 6 days. I seem to have recovered pretty well from my heart attack. Even my stress tests during the first year or so after her death didn't succeed in killing me. But this? Will that part of my heart ever heal?

Last year I was alone on that anniversary date. Don't recall what I did or did not do, but obviously I survived it. No plans for the 11th this year, but I think I had better do something to occupy my mind and spirit. Only problem is that there really isn't much to choose from that I don't have memories of doing together with Connie. I really don't think she had a clue that I would miss her so much.
 
WebSlave said:
So now I am coming up on the 3 year anniversary of Connie's death. 11/11/2023. Some days are bad, but on the other hand some days are truly awful. I seem to have some selective amnesia that will kick in sometimes to allow me to be happy to be alive and smile. But it is like waking up, knowing something is very wrong, but just can't put your finger on it quite yet. Walking around on my property there is a silence that is unnerving. Like I have lost the ability to hear a certain range of frequencies. Yet knowing they are there, but I just cannot here them any longer. Maybe it is the sound of someone else's footsteps walking with me. Perhaps it is the knowledge that there is now a voice I will never hear again.

I wish I could selectively erase some memories rattling around in my head. Not everything, of course, because I would be waking up wondering where Connie was today. But heck, my memory isn't as good as it used to be, so maybe I will be there whether I want to be or not eventually. Sometimes sitting in the family room where Connie's hospital bed was located I can't help but think of those days I was sleeping on one of the couches to be close to her. And honestly seems like many movies or TV series I watch for entertainment will have a spot that jabs a fork into my heart. When I get an injury to my skin I seem to heal over in about 6 days. I seem to have recovered pretty well from my heart attack. Even my stress tests during the first year or so after her death didn't succeed in killing me. But this? Will that part of my heart ever heal?

Last year I was alone on that anniversary date. Don't recall what I did or did not do, but obviously I survived it. No plans for the 11th this year, but I think I had better do something to occupy my mind and spirit. Only problem is that there really isn't much to choose from that I don't have memories of doing together with Connie. I really don't think she had a clue that I would miss her so much.
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My 95 year old grandfather doesn't have a day he doesn't think of my grandmother. It never goes away - that's what love is. I am sorry for your loss.
 
I'm so sorry about Connie, even 3 years on. If you didn't love her so much, it wouldn't be so hard.
I'll be 65 in a few weeks. I've started getting so much Geezer mail. All the pamphlets about Medicare, and cremation/funeral arrangements is reminding me that I'm getting to the jumping-off spot myself.
My husband is several years younger than I am, so most likely, I'll die first. I worry about what his life will become if that happens. It certainly isn't fair, and it sure as hell hasn't been fair to you either.
 
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