I am living alone now. And I am not sure whether it is just to fill the silence with noise or something more "loose marbles" is taking place. But I find myself talking to myself quite often. Maybe TOO often. Not just muttering under my breath kind of talking. Real honest to goodness discussions. Like I am talking to someone I really expect to get replies from. And truth be known, yes, sometimes I do reply back. So this has me wondering if this is the beginning stages of being that old guy walking through Walmart or some other place in public, talking to himself. The guy everyone avoids eye contact with and gives a wide berth in the aisles. Does it start when you are alone and progress to a point where you don't care if you are alone or not, because the person you are talking to is the only one who listens?
So is this the way dementia starts? Is that just a more technical term for being crazy? If you are crazy, how do you know? Compared to what? A classic CATCH-22? Would a person who is really crazy be concerned about BEING crazy? Does a crazy person KNOW they are crazy? And whose yardstick is being used to measure craziness? Can I be graded on a curve, please?
Never in my most vivid nightmares did I ever imagine I would be spending my life alone. I mean COMPLETELY alone. I guess maybe it is a good thing that I have tinnitus from playing in bands for many years, so at least I hear SOMETHING all of the time. Complete and total silence would probably be unnerving. That was a joke, Other Rich! Like you are already NOT unnerved... You need to laugh....
Oh yeah, as for being "alone", I am seeing a woman who lives in Thailand, but that seems kind of unreal to me. She comes here for 6 months at a time, but then has to go back. Will she always come back? Who knows? I don't know my own mind, much less someone else's. Heck, has she REALLY been here at all? This could easily be a figment of my imagination. She is a wonderful woman. Seemingly TOO wonderful. It would be difficult for me to conjure up someone with more option boxes checked off. So that makes me doubt my own mind. I could easily fantasize about such a woman while in a coma, hoping she is real. Heck, perhaps when I had my heart attack I am still in some hospital all hooked up with wires and tubes running everywhere. I could easily believe that.
Maybe she is real. It is just way too easy to think she is not real and I am just imagining such a fleeting whisp of a relationship. Can dreams seem to be 6 months in duration while you are having them? Perhaps this is all just that rare dream I can actually remember when I wake up. Or perhaps I am not awake at all now. How would I know? Dreams can fill in ANY blanks your mind wants to. How often do you dream and KNOW you are dreaming? Never that I can recall, but I rarely remember the dreams I think I have had. So I really don't know if I knew I was dreaming while dreaming. What if I am dreaming that I am dreaming? Would I remember that? What do the insane dream about? Something more sane than the real world to them? Is it insane to want to escape the real life you are living in?
Don't know why I am writing this here. But I guess it is because I know few people will read this, and even less will really give a crap about it anyway. Perhaps I should take up alcoholic drinks. That would make things so much easier to explain away, wouldn't it? Ah, Rich is drunk again. Pay him no mind. Such an easy out...
I guess I need to have more discussions with myself to figure things out. I sure hope I know the answers to these puzzles that plague me.
Just think of all the truly weird stuff I typed here but later deleted. Wouldn't want you to REALLY think I was crazy, now would I?
A belated April Fool's Day to you.....
So is this the way dementia starts? Is that just a more technical term for being crazy? If you are crazy, how do you know? Compared to what? A classic CATCH-22? Would a person who is really crazy be concerned about BEING crazy? Does a crazy person KNOW they are crazy? And whose yardstick is being used to measure craziness? Can I be graded on a curve, please?
Never in my most vivid nightmares did I ever imagine I would be spending my life alone. I mean COMPLETELY alone. I guess maybe it is a good thing that I have tinnitus from playing in bands for many years, so at least I hear SOMETHING all of the time. Complete and total silence would probably be unnerving. That was a joke, Other Rich! Like you are already NOT unnerved... You need to laugh....
Oh yeah, as for being "alone", I am seeing a woman who lives in Thailand, but that seems kind of unreal to me. She comes here for 6 months at a time, but then has to go back. Will she always come back? Who knows? I don't know my own mind, much less someone else's. Heck, has she REALLY been here at all? This could easily be a figment of my imagination. She is a wonderful woman. Seemingly TOO wonderful. It would be difficult for me to conjure up someone with more option boxes checked off. So that makes me doubt my own mind. I could easily fantasize about such a woman while in a coma, hoping she is real. Heck, perhaps when I had my heart attack I am still in some hospital all hooked up with wires and tubes running everywhere. I could easily believe that.
Maybe she is real. It is just way too easy to think she is not real and I am just imagining such a fleeting whisp of a relationship. Can dreams seem to be 6 months in duration while you are having them? Perhaps this is all just that rare dream I can actually remember when I wake up. Or perhaps I am not awake at all now. How would I know? Dreams can fill in ANY blanks your mind wants to. How often do you dream and KNOW you are dreaming? Never that I can recall, but I rarely remember the dreams I think I have had. So I really don't know if I knew I was dreaming while dreaming. What if I am dreaming that I am dreaming? Would I remember that? What do the insane dream about? Something more sane than the real world to them? Is it insane to want to escape the real life you are living in?
Don't know why I am writing this here. But I guess it is because I know few people will read this, and even less will really give a crap about it anyway. Perhaps I should take up alcoholic drinks. That would make things so much easier to explain away, wouldn't it? Ah, Rich is drunk again. Pay him no mind. Such an easy out...
I guess I need to have more discussions with myself to figure things out. I sure hope I know the answers to these puzzles that plague me.
Just think of all the truly weird stuff I typed here but later deleted. Wouldn't want you to REALLY think I was crazy, now would I?
A belated April Fool's Day to you.....