So is this how it starts? Or how it ends?

[WebSlave]

I am living alone now. And I am not sure whether it is just to fill the silence with noise or something more "loose marbles" is taking place. But I find myself talking to myself quite often. Maybe TOO often. Not just muttering under my breath kind of talking. Real honest to goodness discussions. Like I am talking to someone I really expect to get replies from. And truth be known, yes, sometimes I do reply back. So this has me wondering if this is the beginning stages of being that old guy walking through Walmart or some other place in public, talking to himself. The guy everyone avoids eye contact with and gives a wide berth in the aisles. Does it start when you are alone and progress to a point where you don't care if you are alone or not, because the person you are talking to is the only one who listens?

So is this the way dementia starts? Is that just a more technical term for being crazy? If you are crazy, how do you know? Compared to what? A classic CATCH-22? Would a person who is really crazy be concerned about BEING crazy? Does a crazy person KNOW they are crazy? And whose yardstick is being used to measure craziness? Can I be graded on a curve, please?

Never in my most vivid nightmares did I ever imagine I would be spending my life alone. I mean COMPLETELY alone. I guess maybe it is a good thing that I have tinnitus from playing in bands for many years, so at least I hear SOMETHING all of the time. Complete and total silence would probably be unnerving. That was a joke, Other Rich! Like you are already NOT unnerved... You need to laugh....

Oh yeah, as for being "alone", I am seeing a woman who lives in Thailand, but that seems kind of unreal to me. She comes here for 6 months at a time, but then has to go back. Will she always come back? Who knows? I don't know my own mind, much less someone else's. Heck, has she REALLY been here at all? This could easily be a figment of my imagination. She is a wonderful woman. Seemingly TOO wonderful. It would be difficult for me to conjure up someone with more option boxes checked off. So that makes me doubt my own mind. I could easily fantasize about such a woman while in a coma, hoping she is real. Heck, perhaps when I had my heart attack I am still in some hospital all hooked up with wires and tubes running everywhere. I could easily believe that.

Maybe she is real. It is just way too easy to think she is not real and I am just imagining such a fleeting whisp of a relationship. Can dreams seem to be 6 months in duration while you are having them? Perhaps this is all just that rare dream I can actually remember when I wake up. Or perhaps I am not awake at all now. How would I know? Dreams can fill in ANY blanks your mind wants to. How often do you dream and KNOW you are dreaming? Never that I can recall, but I rarely remember the dreams I think I have had. So I really don't know if I knew I was dreaming while dreaming. What if I am dreaming that I am dreaming? Would I remember that? What do the insane dream about? Something more sane than the real world to them? Is it insane to want to escape the real life you are living in?

Don't know why I am writing this here. But I guess it is because I know few people will read this, and even less will really give a crap about it anyway. Perhaps I should take up alcoholic drinks. That would make things so much easier to explain away, wouldn't it? Ah, Rich is drunk again. Pay him no mind. Such an easy out...

I guess I need to have more discussions with myself to figure things out. I sure hope I know the answers to these puzzles that plague me.

Just think of all the truly weird stuff I typed here but later deleted. Wouldn't want you to REALLY think I was crazy, now would I?

A belated April Fool's Day to you.....

 

[JColt]

“Solitude is dangerous. It’s very addictive. It becomes a habit after you realise how peaceful and calm it is. It’s like you don’t want to deal with people anymore because they drain your energy.”
– Jim Carrey”

 

[DLenaRuth999s]

I am living alone now. And I am not sure whether it is just to fill the silence with noise or something more "loose marbles" is taking place. But I find myself talking to myself quite often. Maybe TOO often. Not just muttering under my breath kind of talking. Real honest to goodness discussions. Like I am talking to someone I really expect to get replies from. And truth be known, yes, sometimes I do reply back. So this has me wondering if this is the beginning stages of being that old guy walking through Walmart or some other place in public, talking to himself. The guy everyone avoids eye contact with and gives a wide berth in the aisles. Does it start when you are alone and progress to a point where you don't care if you are alone or not, because the person you are talking to is the only one who listens?

So is this the way dementia starts? Is that just a more technical term for being crazy? If you are crazy, how do you know? Compared to what? A classic CATCH-22? Would a person who is really crazy be concerned about BEING crazy? Does a crazy person KNOW they are crazy? And whose yardstick is being used to measure craziness? Can I be graded on a curve, please?

Never in my most vivid nightmares did I ever imagine I would be spending my life alone. I mean COMPLETELY alone. I guess maybe it is a good thing that I have tinnitus from playing in bands for many years, so at least I hear SOMETHING all of the time. Complete and total silence would probably be unnerving. That was a joke, Other Rich! Like you are already NOT unnerved... You need to laugh....

Oh yeah, as for being "alone", I am seeing a woman who lives in Thailand, but that seems kind of unreal to me. She comes here for 6 months at a time, but then has to go back. Will she always come back? Who knows? I don't know my own mind, much less someone else's. Heck, has she REALLY been here at all? This could easily be a figment of my imagination. She is a wonderful woman. Seemingly TOO wonderful. It would be difficult for me to conjure up someone with more option boxes checked off. So that makes me doubt my own mind. I could easily fantasize about such a woman while in a coma, hoping she is real. Heck, perhaps when I had my heart attack I am still in some hospital all hooked up with wires and tubes running everywhere. I could easily believe that.

Maybe she is real. It is just way too easy to think she is not real and I am just imagining such a fleeting whisp of a relationship. Can dreams seem to be 6 months in duration while you are having them? Perhaps this is all just that rare dream I can actually remember when I wake up. Or perhaps I am not awake at all now. How would I know? Dreams can fill in ANY blanks your mind wants to. How often do you dream and KNOW you are dreaming? Never that I can recall, but I rarely remember the dreams I think I have had. So I really don't know if I knew I was dreaming while dreaming. What if I am dreaming that I am dreaming? Would I remember that? What do the insane dream about? Something more sane than the real world to them? Is it insane to want to escape the real life you are living in?

Don't know why I am writing this here. But I guess it is because I know few people will read this, and even less will really give a crap about it anyway. Perhaps I should take up alcoholic drinks. That would make things so much easier to explain away, wouldn't it? Ah, Rich is drunk again. Pay him no mind. Such an easy out...

I guess I need to have more discussions with myself to figure things out. I sure hope I know the answers to these puzzles that plague me.

Just think of all the truly weird stuff I typed here but later deleted. Wouldn't want you to REALLY think I was crazy, now would I?

A belated April Fool's Day to you.....

I’m two years into my retirement from teaching high school English: lots of human interaction to very little. I talk A LOT to my collie, my cat, my snakes, and even my car. I talk to myself in the grocery store, especially when they keep rearranging their aisles.
It’s not crazy, it’s grounding. That’s what I keep telling myself.

 

[spawn]

Are you selling the site? Or just shutting it down?

 

[WebSlave]

“Solitude is dangerous. It’s very addictive. It becomes a habit after you realise how peaceful and calm it is. It’s like you don’t want to deal with people anymore because they drain your energy.”
– Jim Carrey”

I don't think solitude will ever be addictive to me. Up till Connie dying, I had never really been alone at any time in my life. And suddenly it was thrust upon me. I seriously think that had I lived in an apartment or condo or something where I had nothing to do outside, I would have lost all my marbles pretty quickly. Even on days here where rain, mosquitoes, or something keeps me inside for a couple of days, I start getting in a very bad way. I don't find it peaceful and calm at all. It is like some of the pleasant parts of being alive are missing.

 

[WebSlave]

I’m two years into my retirement from teaching high school English: lots of human interaction to very little. I talk A LOT to my collie, my cat, my snakes, and even my car. I talk to myself in the grocery store, especially when they keep rearranging their aisles.
It’s not crazy, it’s grounding. That’s what I keep telling myself.

Except for muttering under my breath at the grocery store or something, I don't talk to myself then. But I do spontaneously talk to people when the opportunity arises. Usually to get a laugh at something humorous. So I still seem to have a sense of humor. I always have liked to make people laugh. I used to love making Connie laugh so long and hard that she would almost pass out. Kind of hard to do that with Pim because of the language gap. Plays on words lose a lot in translations.

 

[WebSlave]

Are you selling the site? Or just shutting it down?

Shutting it down.

 

[BajaBoas]

Shutting it down.

Why is the site being shut down? I really enjoyed this site over the years.

 

[WebSlave]

Why is the site being shut down? I really enjoyed this site over the years.

Easy question with an easy answer: Lack of financial support and overall evaporating traffic. Site is just barely operating in the black, and over the last couple of years I don't see any signs of it improving. Sorry, but I am not digging into my retirement funds to provide people a place to advertise their animals for free. Been warning you all for years that this was coming. So on August 1, 2027, at the latest, it will be gone unless something completely unexpected happens and people decide this site is worth saving. In the early years I was footing the bills from my SerpenCo business to run this site and a few others. I retired that business back in 2010. Traffic and financial support was sufficient then for me to keep running this site regardless of my leaving the business myself. Right now, income from the Google Adsense ads are not even covering the monthly server lease I have to pay. Paid memberships and sponsorships dropped way off too.

Yes, I have had people offer to provide hosting for the site and make suggestions as to how I could cut expenses. Stop using canned forum based platforms and go with custom coding specific to buying and selling. Thanks, but no thanks. Not worth the headaches and expenses just going through such a move and change would entail any longer. EVERY server move I did was a nightmare and very stressful. Just going through that last platform change, from vBulletin to Xenforo was not something I intend to go through again, EVER.

Anyway, OK, I can take a hint. I believe there are at least two other similar sites people have found more favorable to them to sell their animals and related merchandise. That is fine with me. More power and success to them and you all. I am not competitive by nature. I do mean that. If I was, I would have NEVER done a site like this that would compete against my own SerpenCo business when it was active. I actually enjoyed doing this, for a while when I saw people making use of it. That was actually rather rewarding feeling. So I guess my ego has gotten bruised when that no longer appears to be the case. No one likes to feel that they have failed at something. Things have changed in my life, and this is just part of it.

I can do without the inevitable headaches running an internet site provides to the owner. I don't even want to know what sort of hourly wage I have been making from this site the last couple of years. I am certain it would make me feel foolish to not have cut it loose earlier. At the very least, if nothing else, let this be a lesson to everyone. If you want a site you like to survive, you really need to support it. Otherwise those sites will not be available forever neither. Yeah, new ones can pop up that may or may not be at least temporarily successful, but eventually they too will wither away and die without your support. Yes, they will start out for free, but eventually the headaches and the bills necessary to pay will force their hand to NEED financial support from the users. THAT is inevitable and really needs to be expected.

I had really hoped this site would thrive and put some pocket change in my pockets to make it worthwhile administering and maintaining. But it no longer is, and that is that.

 

[spawn]

Easy question with an easy answer: Lack of financial support and overall evaporating traffic. Site is just barely operating in the black, and over the last couple of years I don't see any signs of it improving. Sorry, but I am not digging into my retirement funds to provide people a place to advertise their animals for free. Been warning you all for years that this was coming. So on August 1, 2027, at the latest, it will be gone unless something completely unexpected happens and people decide this site is worth saving. In the early years I was footing the bills from my SerpenCo business to run this site and a few others. I retired that business back in 2010. Traffic and financial support was sufficient then for me to keep running this site regardless of my leaving the business myself. Right now, income from the Google Adsense ads are not even covering the monthly server lease I have to pay. Paid memberships and sponsorships dropped way off too.

Yes, I have had people offer to provide hosting for the site and make suggestions as to how I could cut expenses. Stop using canned forum based platforms and go with custom coding specific to buying and selling. Thanks, but no thanks. Not worth the headaches and expenses just going through such a move and change would entail any longer. EVERY server move I did was a nightmare and very stressful. Just going through that last platform change, from vBulletin to Xenforo was not something I intend to go through again, EVER.

Anyway, OK, I can take a hint. I believe there are at least two other similar sites people have found more favorable to them to sell their animals and related merchandise. That is fine with me. More power and success to them and you all. I am not competitive by nature. I do mean that. If I was, I would have NEVER done a site like this that would compete against my own SerpenCo business when it was active. I actually enjoyed doing this, for a while when I saw people making use of it. That was actually rather rewarding feeling. So I guess my ego has gotten bruised when that no longer appears to be the case. No one likes to feel that they have failed at something. Things have changed in my life, and this is just part of it.

I can do without the inevitable headaches running an internet site provides to the owner. I don't even want to know what sort of hourly wage I have been making from this site the last couple of years. I am certain it would make me feel foolish to not have cut it loose earlier. At the very least, if nothing else, let this be a lesson to everyone. If you want a site you like to survive, you really need to support it. Otherwise those sites will not be available forever neither. Yeah, new ones can pop up that may or may not be at least temporarily successful, but eventually they too will wither away and die without your support. Yes, they will start out for free, but eventually the headaches and the bills necessary to pay will force their hand to NEED financial support from the users. THAT is inevitable and really needs to be expected.

I had really hoped this site would thrive and put some pocket change in my pockets to make it worthwhile administering and maintaining. But it no longer is, and that is that.

Why don't you just sell it? When does the domain registry expire?

 

[WebSlave]

Why don't you just sell it? When does the domain registry expire?

Had some people kicking the tires over the years. Wanting me to provide them with all the statistics and stats that they really need to figure out on their own and not ask me to do it for them. When I suggest this to them, they go away. I guess in a huff, but tough noogies to that. Actually had one guy suggest that this site should be making me a quarter million bucks per year. I told him just offer me one year of that and it is his. Never heard back from him. So lots of smoke blowing, evidently. Or maybe it was someone just trying to make me feel bad that I am not working this site hard enough to make such a killing off of it. I honestly never looked at this site with that in mind. Just keep it in the black and I would be satisfied. I guess even that was too much to ask.

So quite likely just looky-loos with idle curiosity about what a site like this earns. Sorry, not doing the work for anyone. If I were actively TRYING to sell the site, then maybe I would act differently. So I just tell everyone to make me an offer. If it is serious and interesting enough, we can continue the discussion. I did get a couple of "testing the waters" offers, which I declined, and there was no followup. So really, no skin off of my butt either way.

As for the domain registry, it will not expire as long as I am alive. No one is going to get the domain name that easily and try to resurrect their site off of that launch pad. Petty of me? Perhaps. Really don't care what anyone thinks about my decisions. I believe everyone got what they paid for from this site, some more than others, so I don't owe anyone anything.

So in a nutshell, come July 2027 I will just evaluate things at that time and decide what to do. I made payment options a monthly duration limit so that I CAN shut it down 30 days after I make the decision and not have to wait out any 1 year paid memberships. My bills do not stop in the meantime. If anyone believes it fair that I take money out of my retirement income to keep this site afloat, well, sorry about that. You are mistaken.

I tried to make this work. I failed. Boohoo. Just the way it goes. Lots of things have changed in my life recently. This will just be another one. FaunaClassifieds going away certainly will not kill me.

 

[Insomniac101]

Funny how life changes so drastically. After my mom died a few years back, I just seemed to lack the energy for a lot of things. Now, my brother has liver cancer, and the last 6 months have been a blur of doctor's appointments, scans, procedures, etc. I sold most of my snakes; I'm down to a half-dozen of my favorites. I used to keep around 60, but with 3 horses, and 5 dogs too, something had to go.
Sorry to hear how things are going, Rich. I thought Pim was in Florida with you for part of the year, and then you would go to Thailand for a few months with her.
I guess we're all getting old, and trying to deal with our new reality. Not a lot of fun.

 

[WebSlave]

Pim is back in Thailand now. Been there since June. She has to renew her VISA and the government in Thailand is no different than our own concerning speed and efficiency. So she is just waiting out the process. I would think a renewal would go much quicker than a new application, but heck, dealing with any government agency seems to be about the same headache.

As for me going to Thailand, honestly I felt like such a burden there. Bangkok where the airport is located is quite distant from Pim's home and Pim really doesn't like to drive all that much. So she had to employ her nephew to cart us around everywhere. I cannot blame her, as driving in Bangkok is an absolute nightmare. I just will not do it myself. Besides driving on the other side of the road and the steering wheel being opposite of what I am used to, many of the roads are so narrow and convoluted that I was constantly on the edge of my seat expecting the crunch of painted metal on metal the entire time as two way traffic would go around corners. Things we take for granted, like strict sanitation, just does not exist in Thailand. Food preparation leaves a lot to be desired. Even Pim's family and friends strongly recommended that I NOT eat anything from the street vendors. When I was there I was popping Ivermectin and vitamins the entire time. I got a little ill for a few days, but it wasn't a big deal. As for food, eat NOTHING raw there. I pretty much lived on fried chicken and fried fish for the entire three weeks I was there.

So yeah. Honestly I am lonely as hell here. I just am not used to living alone. Nearly three years since Connie died and although I feel like I am recovering, life just is not the same any more. It is like I have become partially tone deaf. Things I used to hear and took for granted are just gone. What is truly sobering is the knowledge that life will never be the same again. Something irreplaceable has been taken from me.

 

[DLenaRuth999s]

It took me almost a year to realize that some part of my mind was constantly on alert for the sounds I wasn’t going to ever hear again. It took 5 trips through the calendar of holidays and special days to move from “ I just can’t celebrate this,” to trying to replicate something that was gone, to finally reaching the place where I could even begin to make the effort to do holidays anymore. It’s really difficult to make new habits and change up how to do things like holidays and special events and activities. Stay strong.

 

[WebSlave]

I played in bands for a number of years. Local night clubs, bars that were big enough to have a stage and dance floor. I used to see the same people come in night after night. Sit at the bar, drinking one drink after another until glassy eyed, with no goal apparently but just to deaden their mind to something in their past and/or present. They had nothing they wanted to go home to. I usually played 6 nights a week. Same people. Every night. That was all life had to offer them. That is all they expected out of life. I did not understand them.

A while back I had a friend that owned a pawn shop in Crystal River, FL. He always had a bunch of older guys hanging around there whenever Connie and I would visit. They were "regulars" there. His name was Dave. Dave told me in private once that all of them were alone. All of their family and friends had either died or moved away. They had no one else. Dave was friendly with them all, and they obviously had no where else to go, and valued, even craved, the company of someone, anyone, who had a kind word to share with them. That was all life had to offer them any longer. That is all they expected out of life. They lost their past, their shared memories. Lived trapped in the present, and had no better future to ever hope to look forward to. I did not understand them.

Then I BECAME them. Now, I understand. Except that I do not drink, and I do not hang out at some shop or bar, or anywhere else outside my own home and property. What a shocking revelation to realize that I have become them. I built my life around someone I expected would always be with me. Never really considered, much less planned, on anything different.

I have found a wonderful woman in Thailand. I would be hard pressed to write out a prescription for someone who would be a better match that I would find attractive to me. But there is something dark and empty that was my heart. Perhaps the knowledge that there will be hurt in my future. Again. Whether it be that I have to watch her die, or I have to watch her watching me die. Pain will be likely as a result of allowing the numbness to fade. Not that I feel that I am purposely trying to resist returning to life. But it does feel like an enticing trap. As most effective traps are. Believe the promise up to the point when the jaws snap shut when very bad news lands in your lap. Been there, done that already. Do I really want to do that again?

When I am feel like I should be happy, I feel like I am just an actor. I know the lines I should say, the way I should act. I do all the correct things, and I suppose I seem normal on the outside to casual observers at the grocery store. I try to tell myself to make myself happy for whatever life remains for me. Have someone to be happy with and make her happy too. Have fun while you can, trying hard to not look at the future, only focusing on today. Smile and make her smile too. Trying hard to not allow her to see the bandages still leaking holding my heart together. I guess I am hoping I can heal before she sees that I am a lost cause. I hope I am not, but seriously, I do not know. I have images in my memory that rake razorblades over every part of my being that will pop up at the slightest provocation. No one should ever have to watch someone they truly and deeply love die. I don't know how many times a day I will whisper to myself "It wasn't supposed to be like this." Heck, sometimes I actually shout that out loud.

So, I don't know. I say that a lot too. I just do not know. How long can I continue to tread water? That is really all I am doing now. Doing busy work around my property. Doing things that won't really matter to anyone. So I pretend they matter to me.

In a way I guess I should be thankful that this site is going down the tubes. I used to worry about what would happen to it after I am gone. Silly, I know. That was actually the time before Connie got diagnosed and I was worried about how to teach her to keep it going so she might have that little bit of income to see her through when I was gone. I really thought it would always matter to enough people to want to keep it alive. Even after all the crap I have gone through keeping it running and putting up with lawsuit threats, death threats, nonsensical petty arguments between people, etc., etc. In reality, it just does not matter. Really, it does not. Nothing lasts forever. Just another flash in the pan. Just something that will soon be forgotten.

 

[Keith R.]

Well, I can say this or that, but I do sympathize with you. Born in 1970, lived here in FL. my entire life. Got my first turtle/tortoise when I was 4 or 5. It was a gopher tortoise before they became illegal to have. Funny thing is they don't want you to have one, but they kill them quick for development $$$$$. Have had all kinds of reptiles and animals as a kid running the good old woods here in Florida. Have seen almost everything in the wild except a Floridia Panther. Really don't have family left. Grandparents, Parents, Brother, 5 Uncles, some aunts, cousins all gone now. Recently in June my wife had a severe stroke. So, I started selling off or giving away all of my turtles and tortoises. Not just because I would need the money but also would not have the time for them anymore. Well, it's been about a month now since my wife passed away in Sept. Sitting all alone now in this 3-bedroom, 2 bath house except for 1 of our 3 dogs. I had given our others to her sister, because she wanted them and would love them. Times constantly change for good and bad, I have bought and sold off your site in the past. The other site I check sometimes starting with a K is not doing good also. Maybe because of the economy, interest, times or whatever. I will say thank you for doing your best. Being able to get an animal someone most likely wouldn't be able get was one of life's the biggest enjoyments. So, in ending thanks man. One piece of advice for everyone I would like to share is don't take your loved ones (family, friends, or co-workers) for granted, because one day they won't or you won't be there. I LOVE and MISS you, Vickie.